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- May 1, 2024
- 241
Did I really deserve everything that happened to me?
Do I really deserve this?
Do I really deserve not to be even seen as a human being?
Do I really deserve everyone to immediately hate me, to reject me completely, just because I have autism? Just because I look bad, which is made so much worse by the fact that I encounter hostility and rejection from everyone, and this pain and my confusion only deepen this repulsive appearance?
Do I really deserve to have everything in my life lost from the start, from the very beginning? So that I can't do anything in my life because everything requires the participation of another person?
Do I really deserve not to be able to even talk to anyone, not to be able to meet anyone, not to be able to be friends with anyone, because no one wants to have anything to do with me?
Did I really deserve that during 5 years of studies, out of 160 people per year, not a single person wanted to be friends with me, not a single person wrote to me or talked to me, and when I tried to do it, nothing worked because these people didn't want to do it with me?
Did I really deserve to be born someone who is not even biologically able to be friends with anyone because his interactions are completely different from those of ordinary people, which is why they don't work?
Did I really deserve that no conversation with another person would ever work, that no friendly bond between me and another person would ever be born? To never have a single friend in real life for almost 25 years of your life, at any stage of your life, and even on the Internet had only 2 during these 25 years? Do I really deserve not to be able to talk to anyone, even on the Internet, because my natural way of communicating is completely different than that of ordinary people?
Do I really deserve to have to waste every moment of my youth in bed, doing nothing, instead of making the most of it?
No, I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve anything, not even in the slightest. I didn't deserve for something like this to happen to me from the moment I was born, for there to be absolutely nothing I could do about it. And for me to constantly have to hear that "depression is an illness like any other" or that "people with autism lead lives just like everyone else, or even better." And for me to constantly be blamed, that if I don't want to be brainwashed in therapy and deceive and manipulate myself, it's my own fault. That if I don't want to be drugged with psychotropic drugs that will overwhelm my brain with serotonin and make me think and feel nothing, then it means I don't want to get better. And all this in a situation where none of these things would have made even the slightest difference to my situation. Because this isn't even depression. This is all a direct result of my autism and my appearance, and the resulting incompatibility and rejection from others.
Some nice person might reply, "No, you don't deserve it." That's true. But what does it mean that I don't deserve it when it happens to me anyway, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it?
Do I really deserve this?
Do I really deserve not to be even seen as a human being?
Do I really deserve everyone to immediately hate me, to reject me completely, just because I have autism? Just because I look bad, which is made so much worse by the fact that I encounter hostility and rejection from everyone, and this pain and my confusion only deepen this repulsive appearance?
Do I really deserve to have everything in my life lost from the start, from the very beginning? So that I can't do anything in my life because everything requires the participation of another person?
Do I really deserve not to be able to even talk to anyone, not to be able to meet anyone, not to be able to be friends with anyone, because no one wants to have anything to do with me?
Did I really deserve that during 5 years of studies, out of 160 people per year, not a single person wanted to be friends with me, not a single person wrote to me or talked to me, and when I tried to do it, nothing worked because these people didn't want to do it with me?
Did I really deserve to be born someone who is not even biologically able to be friends with anyone because his interactions are completely different from those of ordinary people, which is why they don't work?
Did I really deserve that no conversation with another person would ever work, that no friendly bond between me and another person would ever be born? To never have a single friend in real life for almost 25 years of your life, at any stage of your life, and even on the Internet had only 2 during these 25 years? Do I really deserve not to be able to talk to anyone, even on the Internet, because my natural way of communicating is completely different than that of ordinary people?
Do I really deserve to have to waste every moment of my youth in bed, doing nothing, instead of making the most of it?
No, I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve anything, not even in the slightest. I didn't deserve for something like this to happen to me from the moment I was born, for there to be absolutely nothing I could do about it. And for me to constantly have to hear that "depression is an illness like any other" or that "people with autism lead lives just like everyone else, or even better." And for me to constantly be blamed, that if I don't want to be brainwashed in therapy and deceive and manipulate myself, it's my own fault. That if I don't want to be drugged with psychotropic drugs that will overwhelm my brain with serotonin and make me think and feel nothing, then it means I don't want to get better. And all this in a situation where none of these things would have made even the slightest difference to my situation. Because this isn't even depression. This is all a direct result of my autism and my appearance, and the resulting incompatibility and rejection from others.
Some nice person might reply, "No, you don't deserve it." That's true. But what does it mean that I don't deserve it when it happens to me anyway, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it?
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