solanastan16
Member
- May 4, 2021
- 23
Most of the time throughout the week I'm stable. Stable means being able to complete basic tasks and interact with housemates without wanting to implode. During those days, my mind is just blank. I imagine it as my body being on autopilot, just completing tasks cause they need to be without ever feeling anything. I'm not excited, neither am I sad... I'm just existing.
Then there are days where I struggle to get out of bed. The things that need to be done are met with my dread. Either I hate everything and everyone and want to ctb of spite or I'm crying because I realize how truly miserable I am and want to ctb to get out of it as soon as possible.
Today was one of those days. I suddenly realize all the failures that have led me to this irrecoverable state. Every mistake I've ever made replaying in my head, desperately trying to distract myself with anything to prevent a premature attempt. Asking why can't ctb be easily accessible to those who want it. It truly feels like I'm being kept here against my will— to keep working under the guise of "personal achievement" when really it truly is just capitalism. It feels like my life has never truly been my own.
I just want to end my thoughts. End having to deal with the torture that is living with my brain. I never know when it hits but when it does, it's a true shit show for everyone in close proximity to me. Years of therapy, self help books and meds have brought nothing. So june 16 will be the day it all ends. Until then, I'll just ride that autopilot and hope it doesn't disable again till then.
Then there are days where I struggle to get out of bed. The things that need to be done are met with my dread. Either I hate everything and everyone and want to ctb of spite or I'm crying because I realize how truly miserable I am and want to ctb to get out of it as soon as possible.
Today was one of those days. I suddenly realize all the failures that have led me to this irrecoverable state. Every mistake I've ever made replaying in my head, desperately trying to distract myself with anything to prevent a premature attempt. Asking why can't ctb be easily accessible to those who want it. It truly feels like I'm being kept here against my will— to keep working under the guise of "personal achievement" when really it truly is just capitalism. It feels like my life has never truly been my own.
I just want to end my thoughts. End having to deal with the torture that is living with my brain. I never know when it hits but when it does, it's a true shit show for everyone in close proximity to me. Years of therapy, self help books and meds have brought nothing. So june 16 will be the day it all ends. Until then, I'll just ride that autopilot and hope it doesn't disable again till then.
Last edited:
