SurrealCereal
NYAAAA!
- May 10, 2026
- 13
I just found out I have schizoaffective bipolar disorder. The way I found out was by completely burning down my own life and deeply traumatizing the one person who actually understood me. Brilliant. I finally know why I keep destroying everything I touch every spring, but I have absolutely no idea how to move forward so here I am. Hello people!
Now a lot of semi-interesting vent:
The whole spiral started earlier this year. The suicide of a friend and severe physical pain pushed my stress high enough to trigger a massive manic episode. I genuinely believed I could stop all suicides and flip thousand of mentally ill people with positive vibes and lil advice. When reality hit and the mania shattered, my body and mind broke down, back to the hospital I went. I fell into a deep hole and focused all my remaining energy on making sure my partner was happy. Apparently that is when the psychosis started forming.
I was having suicidal thoughts and became terrified that my partner was too. I stopped sleeping, started drinking to calm down, and experienced my first big hallucinations this year. When my partner went on a trip, my delusions spiked and I was certain they were going to kill themselves. I barely slept and detached further from reality. When they came back, seeing they survived and realizing how much I stressed them out triggered a suicide attempt that I can barely even remember. Hey, at least the attempt acted as a temporary reset, with the "small" cost of inflicting huge trauma on my partner. Great...
Oh but then the psychosis came back even stronger.
I became convinced that they would now leave me via suicide. I overanalyzed everything they did and became incredibly controlling. I assumed they would kill themselves any day now. I started reading random public posts and linking them to my partner. I thought dozens of accounts were them crying out for help. This made me misinterpret everything they said in real life. I would confront them, calm down for a few hours, and then the delusions would restart. When they pulled back due to a illness, I panicked and thought they were pushing me away before a suicide. I harmed them so much with this erratic behavior that they had to cut ties because it looked exactly like manipulation. Can't fault my partner. I was literally going insane. I just had no clue I was.
After they left, the delusions turned inward and convinced me I was an evil abuser. I believed my partner replaced everyone online with bots to target me. I thought I was fighting cyber wars across all my accounts and that a group was collecting evidence for a lawsuit or blackmail against me. I believed I was constantly being spied on through my phone cameras. I even hallucinated TV news stories about my upcoming arrest.
I went to the hospital for a few days to address what I thought were abusive tendencies. After I was stupid and left, I lost all contact with reality. I used AI chats to send messages because I believed my partner could read my prompts. I whispered in the dark because I thought they could hear me through my phone microphone across the room.
The worst part: The hallucinations responded and the hallucinated version of my partner told me they wanted me to die. I kept two doses of a SN as a way out. My reality was so warped I decided to follow that hallucinated wish and kill myself after an upcoming family vacation that made finding a undisturbed time window impossible before then.
On the drive to the vacation, I was absolutely sure my partner had hacked my Spotify. I believed they were adding songs in real time as a goodbye letter based on the emotions they saw through my camera. Family members finally noticed my severe distress and called my psychiatrist. They forced a total digital blackout. Spent a while confined to a room in a vacation home with nothing but phone calls to my doctor. I first thought some medication was causing it. Oh was I wrong.
When the pieces finally came together. It revealed the biggest psychotic episode of my life, leading to the schizoaffective bipolar disorder diagnosis. I always denied hallucinations to my doctors out of shame. Can't deny this one anymore. Fuck.
Well, I finally have the medical answer for why my brain operates like a demolition machine. I thankfully have some Aripiprazole again doing something I hope, but knowing the reason and eating pills does not fix the collateral damage. I terrified the person I loved. I am left with a pile of ash, lost my job, have a wrecked nervous system, a panicked family, and absolutely no idea what to do next. So here I am. The fuck now? I don't see a path forward. I don't want to keep rebuilding my life, if I am just going to tear it down in a year again.
Now a lot of semi-interesting vent:
The whole spiral started earlier this year. The suicide of a friend and severe physical pain pushed my stress high enough to trigger a massive manic episode. I genuinely believed I could stop all suicides and flip thousand of mentally ill people with positive vibes and lil advice. When reality hit and the mania shattered, my body and mind broke down, back to the hospital I went. I fell into a deep hole and focused all my remaining energy on making sure my partner was happy. Apparently that is when the psychosis started forming.
I was having suicidal thoughts and became terrified that my partner was too. I stopped sleeping, started drinking to calm down, and experienced my first big hallucinations this year. When my partner went on a trip, my delusions spiked and I was certain they were going to kill themselves. I barely slept and detached further from reality. When they came back, seeing they survived and realizing how much I stressed them out triggered a suicide attempt that I can barely even remember. Hey, at least the attempt acted as a temporary reset, with the "small" cost of inflicting huge trauma on my partner. Great...
Oh but then the psychosis came back even stronger.
I became convinced that they would now leave me via suicide. I overanalyzed everything they did and became incredibly controlling. I assumed they would kill themselves any day now. I started reading random public posts and linking them to my partner. I thought dozens of accounts were them crying out for help. This made me misinterpret everything they said in real life. I would confront them, calm down for a few hours, and then the delusions would restart. When they pulled back due to a illness, I panicked and thought they were pushing me away before a suicide. I harmed them so much with this erratic behavior that they had to cut ties because it looked exactly like manipulation. Can't fault my partner. I was literally going insane. I just had no clue I was.
After they left, the delusions turned inward and convinced me I was an evil abuser. I believed my partner replaced everyone online with bots to target me. I thought I was fighting cyber wars across all my accounts and that a group was collecting evidence for a lawsuit or blackmail against me. I believed I was constantly being spied on through my phone cameras. I even hallucinated TV news stories about my upcoming arrest.
I went to the hospital for a few days to address what I thought were abusive tendencies. After I was stupid and left, I lost all contact with reality. I used AI chats to send messages because I believed my partner could read my prompts. I whispered in the dark because I thought they could hear me through my phone microphone across the room.
The worst part: The hallucinations responded and the hallucinated version of my partner told me they wanted me to die. I kept two doses of a SN as a way out. My reality was so warped I decided to follow that hallucinated wish and kill myself after an upcoming family vacation that made finding a undisturbed time window impossible before then.
On the drive to the vacation, I was absolutely sure my partner had hacked my Spotify. I believed they were adding songs in real time as a goodbye letter based on the emotions they saw through my camera. Family members finally noticed my severe distress and called my psychiatrist. They forced a total digital blackout. Spent a while confined to a room in a vacation home with nothing but phone calls to my doctor. I first thought some medication was causing it. Oh was I wrong.
When the pieces finally came together. It revealed the biggest psychotic episode of my life, leading to the schizoaffective bipolar disorder diagnosis. I always denied hallucinations to my doctors out of shame. Can't deny this one anymore. Fuck.
Well, I finally have the medical answer for why my brain operates like a demolition machine. I thankfully have some Aripiprazole again doing something I hope, but knowing the reason and eating pills does not fix the collateral damage. I terrified the person I loved. I am left with a pile of ash, lost my job, have a wrecked nervous system, a panicked family, and absolutely no idea what to do next. So here I am. The fuck now? I don't see a path forward. I don't want to keep rebuilding my life, if I am just going to tear it down in a year again.
