Story deranged ramblings (i had an odd dream and can't stop thinking about it)

[socrates.]

i don't even know how to begin to explain this because it's barely real. just a feeling in my head

last night i had a dream that i was so much worse. i was probably going to kill myself within a few days. i tried to reach out for help but nobody was there. i think it's the first time ive ever felt that someone could help me with my suicidal thoughts but nobody was there.

and then i don't really remember what happened but i like. ripped a suicide prevention poster off the wall and hung it up in a secret room that my school certainly does not have and i just looked at it and tried to get the motivational messages to sink in.
and then a friend (kind of? more like an acquaintance ig) walked in and asked if i was okay and now i don't know

it's so odd because i've never opened up to this friend about my mental illnesses before in real life. and now i can't stop thinking about dying and maybe killing myself and i can't stop thinking about my friend. he sounded so sincere in the dream. it makes my stomach ache almost because i know that at this point, if anyone worried about me, they would just report me and then id have to deal with things.

i just want to get worried about and cared for without getting a crazy intervention involving teachers and family members and all that. a small personal intervention might be fine. but yeah

and i seriously can't stop thinking about dying. it's not like ive had a particularly hard week or anything. i haven't been as suicidal lately at all. but now since waking up, whenever i think about it my stomach does little flips like when the elevator slows down.

but it's just a dream so. just my mind making up stuff.!!!

basically what the fuck is happening to me i feel like i want to die but not out of depression really? like my life isn't too bad or anything i don't feel terrible right now. i just want to be seen

 

[timf]

Dreams are an interesting process. I once heard that they are a by product of the brain turning short term memories into long term ones. The visual imagery would simply be a side effect of the brain making a visual story out of the pieces of information that are being processed. I am not sure this theory holds up as dreaming about trying to find a bathroom often means that you have to go to the bathroom.

There have been a number of theories about dream interpretation and I do not think any of them have really held up under close scrutiny. It might simply be a result of having your thoughts narrow down such that suicide looms larger. If we neglect to engage in expansive activities such as socializing, physical exercise (like jogging or tennis), or some hobbies, life can begin to shrink down and amplify negative thoughts.

Life can happen to us or we can make life happen. Being able to take more control of life can push back against a gathering darkness.

 

[The_Hunter]

Dreams can make us feel fucked up after them. Especially when they punch us in the gut with serious topics, snagging people we care about, to make such a nightmare happen—such a nightmare that remains in our mind to the day.

Dreams are indeed our mind making up stuff. There can be ways to find out where the madness comes from, but of course, they are not magical revelations or prophecies of truth. Anyone who believes they are, brings great stress upon themselves, for little cause.

Psychologists have a variety of theories on what causes dreams

But in my personal opinion, sometimes things we really want or things we really fear can end up popping up in our dreams—and sometimes completely random things.

Maybe you had this dream because you're really scared about other people finding out you've experienced suicidal thoughts, and maybe because you have a great deal of shame surrounding your suicidal thoughts.

i just want to get worried about and cared for without getting a crazy intervention involving teachers and family members and all that. a small personal intervention might be fine. but yeah

That is fair. All you want is a little human care, and that's very human & valid.

Please know that you are not your thoughts. Your dreams are just your thoughts. Therefore, you aren't your dreams. You are not destined to fulfill anything that comes from your dreams. They are not prophecies or visions, they are things made up by your brain, as you said. But the natures of your thought patterns can show certain things about you. The thoughts you have during the day might pop up at night, too, during sleep.

Know that this scary situation described in your dream, is greatly unlikely in real life. It's a nightmare, I assure you something like this most likely won't happen in real life. Nightmares have this entire veil of black despair painted all over them, right to your soul. But it's not real.

Please take care of yourself tenderly during this difficult time for yourself. This dream was very traumatic for you, this is a very real trauma and a very real amount of suffering, so don't feel like you're overreacting over this. Your friends and family may struggle to understand what's bothering you, and you might think yourself a little crazy for being hurt by a dream, but trust me, your pain is valid.

Maybe you're having a lot of suicidal thoughts from remembering this traumatic dream? I'm not sure, but it might be possible. Trying to repress thoughts (and failing) might cause considerable cognitive stress, which might open up pathways for suicidal thoughts to come in as well. Just a theory, I'm not sure.

And btw. Some people think they can perfectly interpret other people's dreams. Don't buy it, it's fake. These "dream dictionary" styles as I like to call them, are completely baseless. They come from Freud's pseudoscience, and like many of Freud's theories, are made up with no evidence to support them, just speculation. No one can know for sure that "X dream means Y, for all people", it's simply preposterous.

I wish you all the healing that solace can give, while you grapple to make sense of reality after this traumatic dream. Know this trauma will certainly pass. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe it will take 2 days. 3 days, even. But I promise you'll be able to heal from it. I have my hopes for you. Hang in there. Best of luck.

And also, I promise you this did not come off as deranged ramblings :) you simply recalled your dream and your feelings, perfectly human and coherent ^^

This, too, shall pass.