Decision made

[AreWeWinning]

I feel like the decision has been made, I want to end my life. I feel like it's a question of technicalities from now on. For example, how do I get myself into a mental state where I'm actually able to do it? When I'll do it? Etc.

Making big decisions is a slow process for me. I spend a lot of time contemplating them, and ideally, at the end of this process, I arrive at a conclusion. I still have my doubts, and I know that no decisions are perfect, but I'm 60-70% sure about the best choice. This is how I feel now.

It's not a comfortable feeling. It feels very dark and sad. But some decisions are like that. I think, hoping that it'll be easy is just wishful thinking. Some people say, when you are ready, you won't feel any emotional pain. I don't believe this is true. I'm more and more certain I want to do it, but I also feel like if I was waiting for this calm and peaceful moment, it'd never come.

I feel like if I really want to do it, I'll just have to push through the emotional pain and hardships of doing it, and do it anyway.

 

[its-about-time]

I was 100% certain. Well maybe 80%. But didn't care about that other 20%. Then right before my SN arrived there were a couple huge upsets. Now only maybe 30-40% certain. But have my SN and pre meds. Banking on impulsivity. No decision is ever 100%, really, at least like this, right? My advice is don't rush it. Death will always be there. Just move forward at whatever pace you are comf with. Be a jellyfish. That's what I'm doing. Just floating. If a huge wave crashes me onto shore, so be it! I'll die. Otherwise I'm just floatin'.

 

[AreWeWinning]

I was 100% certain. Well maybe 80%. But didn't care about that other 20%. Then right before my SN arrived there were a couple huge upsets. Now only maybe 30-40% certain. But have my SN and pre meds. Banking on impulsivity. No decision is ever 100%, really, at least like this, right? My advice is don't rush it. Death will always be there. Just move forward at whatever pace you are comf with. Be a jellyfish. That's what I'm doing. Just floating. If a huge wave crashes me onto shore, so be it! I'll die. Otherwise I'm just floatin'.

Very well said. Thanks for your comment. Kind of how I feel.

Some thoughts... Sure, no decision is ever 100%, especially big decisions. Feelings usually fluctuate. But there is usually a point where you need to draw the line and commit. Otherwise, the thing you have decided will never get done. This is just true in general. Although I acknowledge that deciding to ctb is an especially tricky decision, that can't be compared to anything else.

I also agree with your comments on not rushing it. This is what I should do. Slowly make concrete plans, get the accessories, visit my chosen location etc. Prepare everything in detail, then just float. And when I'm ready, I just need to go through the process step-by-step without thinking too much.

 

[its-about-time]

Very well said. Thanks for your comment. Kind of how I feel.

Some thoughts... Sure, no decision is ever 100%, especially big decisions. Feelings usually fluctuate. But there is usually a point where you need to draw the line and commit. Otherwise, the thing you have decided will never get done. This is just true in general. Although I acknowledge that deciding to ctb is an especially tricky decision, that can't be compared to anything else.

I also agree with your comments on not rushing it. This is what I should do. Slowly make concrete plans, get the accessories, visit my chosen location etc. Prepare everything in detail, then just float. And when I'm ready, I just need to go through the process step-by-step without thinking too much.

Prepare everything in detail then just float ——- precisely. That's what I've settled on as well. I have 90% things prepared just need to edit some notes. Then if I commit, I'm ready. If I don't, no harm no foul.

Deciding where to draw the line and commit is very difficult for me in normal life situations and it sounds like it is for you too. Many times I've gone hungry with a fridge full of food because I can't decide what to eat. That kind of thing. I think the final decision will be rather impulsive and acted upon quickly. I'm okay with that. I don't care if it's not a "fully authentic" decision. If I can muster the motivation to do it, I will, regardless of any hesitation I normally have. Is that similar to what you're feeling?

 

[AreWeWinning]

Deciding where to draw the line and commit is very difficult for me in normal life situations and it sounds like it is for you too. Many times I've gone hungry with a fridge full of food because I can't decide what to eat. That kind of thing. I think the final decision will be rather impulsive and acted upon quickly. I'm okay with that. I don't care if it's not a "fully authentic" decision. If I can muster the motivation to do it, I will, regardless of any hesitation I normally have. Is that similar to what you're feeling?

Making decisions, in general, is difficult for me too. Maybe not to the point of not being able to decide what to eat, but not much better. I tend to mull over even small decisions too much. Although this can be improved, I think. I feel like I made progress, and got better at it in the past couple of years.

Deciding to ctb is similar to other decisions in the way that at a certain point you just have to go through with it despite any remaining doubts or any uncomfortable feelings. Most decisions are like this. I have not found any other ways to make things happen. At some point, you just have to say "OK, f@ck it, I'll do it, whatever comes. I'll do it now, I'll take action now." Despite this, these decisions are still "authentic", I think, because I made them. So would be the decision to ctb.

Where deciding to ctb is different is that you don't get the chance to 'course-correct', to 'make the most of it' even if the outcome is not perfect, or to learn from the experience. Normally, you get all these 'perks' with decisions, but not with ctb. That's why I'm scared. It's literally jumping into the unknown, there is no way back. Normally you don't make decisions isolated. One decision after the other, one outcome affects the other. This is life. You have your ways, tactics, strategies and reasons to make decisions in certain ways. Most of those don't apply here, because this is different. This is the final decision. A decision to end it all. I cannot comprehend it.

Deciding where to draw the line and commit is very difficult for me in normal life situations and it sounds like it is for you too. Many times I've gone hungry with a fridge full of food because I can't decide what to eat. That kind of thing. I think the final decision will be rather impulsive and acted upon quickly. I'm okay with that. I don't care if it's not a "fully authentic" decision. If I can muster the motivation to do it, I will, regardless of any hesitation I normally have. Is that similar to what you're feeling?

But to answer the question more simplistically: If I prepared for it, and then acted impulsively, I would still feel my decision was authentic. It was me who decided to prepare, who decided to act on the impulse, who made it happen. My problem is not the authenticity, or how it'll actually happen, but whether it's the right decision or not. Which you cannot know. You cannot know it with normal decisions either, only after the fact. With ctb, you won't know it even after the fact. :D I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best in whatever happens. I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you.

 

[Freedomindeath4me]

Honestly this probably depends a lot on you. I don't imagine there's a universal answer to this. But I can tell you that having the goods on hand and readily accessible has helped in my past suicide attempts. You won't always have the mind to do it but sometimes you will and it's just there.