Venting dealing with trauma

[Bassem]

How do you deal/cope with the fact that your parents have fucked you up during your childhood ,are fucking you up now and their actions will continue to fuck you up in the future?My parents way of raising me have completely destroyed every chance I had and ever will because of the severe mental illness I suffer through because of their way of raising me. I used to be a gifted child now Im a husk of a man, Severe depression ,suicidal ideation, Bipolar Disorder and Borderline. I hate myself , I cant stand the way I look in the mirror, I have no confidence or social skills, im a chronic overthinker and im genuinely terrified of all things social, Im scared of commitment and Ive never been loved in my life. Ive never had a partner even though im 21. My forearms have become so bumpy from all the SH . I wish I could just move abroad , that was my one and only dream from when I was a kid, to get away and even that they took away from me after promising me for years that they would help me move. I really see no way out I dont have any money to move away and going no contact is impossible since I live with them. I hate having to see them everyday. The people who are supposed to help me become a grown up have ruined me beyond repair in every realm I can think of, It's not even the past that I resent I could forgive all of that with a fresh start, a good circle, love. But the fact that im basically fucked for the present and the future. (I have tried therapy multiple times,Ive been on grams of medication and Ive even been admitted so no just get some sunlight and appreciate the flowers comments please)
also there are no flowers where I live the outside smells like sweat, ignorance and concrete/sand

 

[killawithme]

How do you deal/cope with the fact that your parents have fucked you up during your childhood ,are fucking you up now and their actions will continue to fuck you up in the future?My parents way of raising me have completely destroyed every chance I had and ever will because of the severe mental illness I suffer through because of their way of raising me. I used to be a gifted child now Im a husk of a man, Severe depression ,suicidal ideation, Bipolar Disorder and Borderline. I hate myself , I cant stand the way I look in the mirror, I have no confidence or social skills, im a chronic overthinker and im genuinely terrified of all things social, Im scared of commitment and Ive never been loved in my life. Ive never had a partner even though im 21. My forearms have become so bumpy from all the SH . I wish I could just move abroad , that was my one and only dream from when I was a kid, to get away and even that they took away from me after promising me for years that they would help me move. I really see no way out I dont have any money to move away and going no contact is impossible since I live with them. I hate having to see them everyday. The people who are supposed to help me become a grown up have ruined me beyond repair in every realm I can think of, It's not even the past that I resent I could forgive all of that with a fresh start, a good circle, love. But the fact that im basically fucked for the present and the future. (I have tried therapy multiple times,Ive been on grams of medication and Ive even been admitted so no just get some sunlight and appreciate the flowers comments please)
also there are no flowers where I live the outside smells like sweat, ignorance and concrete/sand

I get it but there izn't much you can do make peace with it start a loan something like that also you should try to cut out expenses maybe you can move when you do have the money but for now make peace with the fact that you can't move right away and mental healing izn't realy something thats doable in my opinion maybe you're fucked but dw you could always get wasted on alcohol

 

[Abyss Dweller]

Hey, Just want to tell you are not alone with this. Mom died when I was 5 and I guess as a result of that there was basically no off balance for my dad. Who also carried/carries heck knows what trauma after having to diaper the love of his life because of colon cancer..
The best I can say is this: I know you probably heard this before, maybe even sick of it but its the truth: you are still young. Please, please hold on to that dream of one day moving away from your parents. Try to work towards it the best you can.
Sending lots of love your way.

 

[Bassem]

Thing is , say I live till 80 ,last 5-10 years will be miserable because of old age,disease,etc and let's just say that the suffering stops now (which it won't, track record shows I'll probably suffer till the day I pull the plug) I'll still have gone through like close to 1/3rd of my life suffering, and this is a BEST CASE SCENARIO

 

[Abyss Dweller]

Thing is , say I live till 80 ,last 5-10 years will be miserable because of old age,disease,etc and let's just say that the suffering stops now (which it won't, track record shows I'll probably suffer till the day I pull the plug) I'll still have gone through like close to 1/3rd of my life suffering, and this is a BEST CASE SCENARIO

Believe me I understand where you are coming from. I'm really no expert at this but don't you think its possible that lets say you move away from your parents in the next 10 years. Maybe you meet your future significant other. And I don't know at the age of 40 you say.. "I may have only had this nice life for 3 years and suffered for god knows how many but you know what? fuck it.. for this 3 years it was worth it"

 

[Bassem]

I won't have a happy ending my family made damn sure of that

 

[Abyss Dweller]

I hope you'll prove them wrong

 

[uuser1412]

How do you deal/cope with the fact that your parents have fucked you up during your childhood ,are fucking you up now and their actions will continue to fuck you up in the future?My parents way of raising me have completely destroyed every chance I had and ever will because of the severe mental illness I suffer through because of their way of raising me. I used to be a gifted child now Im a husk of a man, Severe depression ,suicidal ideation, Bipolar Disorder and Borderline. I hate myself , I cant stand the way I look in the mirror, I have no confidence or social skills, im a chronic overthinker and im genuinely terrified of all things social, Im scared of commitment and Ive never been loved in my life. Ive never had a partner even though im 21. My forearms have become so bumpy from all the SH . I wish I could just move abroad , that was my one and only dream from when I was a kid, to get away and even that they took away from me after promising me for years that they would help me move. I really see no way out I dont have any money to move away and going no contact is impossible since I live with them. I hate having to see them everyday. The people who are supposed to help me become a grown up have ruined me beyond repair in every realm I can think of, It's not even the past that I resent I could forgive all of that with a fresh start, a good circle, love. But the fact that im basically fucked for the present and the future. (I have tried therapy multiple times,Ive been on grams of medication and Ive even been admitted so no just get some sunlight and appreciate the flowers comments please)
also there are no flowers where I live the outside smells like sweat, ignorance and concrete/sand

I wish I could have some magic words to tell you, to make everything better, but i'm in a similar situation. I'm stuck and unsure. Ultimately, i think it comes down to a feeling of safety. To heal, you must feel safe in the body. What do you think will give you that? You have to become your authentic self. I'm 21 as well. One day you'll move out. One day i hope ill move out. i hope you have the strength and courage to last a little longer. hold on to hope for dear life. The self hatred and shame that you feel is just a mechanism of the brain, it comes from the abuse. good luck, i think you can get better. Maybe try trauma therapy? emdr? im not sure, i've never done therapy before.