dealing with immense self-hatred and guilt (short vent)

[glowing.purple.aura]

I'm so exhausted. I get sleep but never feel well rested. Every day I wake up with an immense feeling of guilt that weighs on me so heavily. I feel like I don't deserve to exist but also don't deserve the peace that would come from finally dying.

I only see myself as a worthless, evil failure. I'm not sure how much of those thoughts were shaped by my parents and their abuse, but they must hold some truth to them because no one in my life likes me. I'm 19 and my social life is already ruined because I feel like I don't even deserve to speak to people. I don't know what to do about feeling judged and extremely hated by everyone, all hours of the day.

 

[Climber]

It feels unbearable. unforgivable. Waking up and falling asleep to the same thoughts. Feeling underserving of everything. It's so painful.

And the part about not wanting the peace, I get that too, to feel like I need to suffer, and if I die it must be slow and draining. You are not a failure or worthless. I hope you can forgive yourself.

You are your worst judge. Just stop to think, if a friend told you the things you say here would you forgive them or would you blame them?

I've struggled with this answer because I would obviously forgive them but I still can't forgive myself. You deserve forgiveness, take care.

 

[itsgone2]

I only see myself as a worthless, evil failure.

Hello. I don't know why you feel this way though. I don't think you've done anything to feel evil. You mention your parents making you feel that way.

I'm older and have guilt from years of making the wrong choices. I feel the same as you but we got here different ways. Have you seen a therapist? You're not really hated by everyone but I'm not sure how to get you past that.

 

[glowing.purple.aura]

Have you seen a therapist? You're not really hated by everyone but I'm not sure how to get you past that.

I'm in psychotherapy/talk therapy right now, and I think the next step for me is TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation). I have tried ~10 different medications (some of which I'm still on), exposure therapy, family therapy, hospitalization, two IOPs (Intensive Outpatient Programs), and two PHPs (Partial Hospitalization Programs); and during all of those I still felt a lot of this same self-hated and guilt.