Story Day 1. A day of fun and crashing again.

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 26: No Pressure

I woke up at 10:00 AM and got out of bed. (Yeah, I know. Crazy. Could never be me.)

★ Washed my face
★ Ate an apple

I needed to go and talk to someone to receive support through a mentor. It was a really sunny and warm day today.

My wolf shirt finally came, hooray! But it is too big, so I need to return it.

I went on my way to the appointment. I was holding a bag with my wolf shirt and a tank top because I planned to go to a shop afterward to try on some cargo shorts with the outfit.

I arrived at the place and we had a discussion. It seems I don't need a mentor for the time being, just mental health support. I left and went to the shop. I didn't like the cargo shorts, so I will just buy them online. I looked cute fr fr tho.

I got some lunch and sat down in the forest to eat it. It was a very peaceful moment with the sun shining through the leaves, me nomming on a yummy meal deal, and talking to myself.

I'll miss this if I die, but the peace might be better than this.

I guess it would be more clearer to say: that the world is very pretty sometimes and moments like these are very much appreciated, I just don't think I need to stick around for it.

The garden crew popped into my head, but I need to ignore them because they don't matter anymore.

Anyway, I went home and my knees were very tired. I washed off the germs and sat down to start doing more art stuff on my laptop. It was very annoying.

I got the game Limbo and will play it tomorrow!

I encountered many errors with my art stuff, so I will be fixing those now instead of sleeping because I'm bored of sleeping.

I've been listening to melancholy music all day on this warm day. I'm in a very funky and tired mood now.

I had lentils for dinner and now I am going to do those art fixes.

I emailed my teacher about some concerns for the future.

I'm sad right now about not being able to sleep next to someone today. Rah, I wanna sleep with someone and cuddle.

Thanks for reading, kind stranger. I hope your day was good.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 27: Dreaming of You and Nothing Less

I woke up again around 12:00 PM to another warm, sunny day.

After taking a shower, I shaved off my beard. It made me remember what my teacher said about shaving, how it can apparently be painful without foam. I don't actually use foam. I guess the water lubricates my skin well enough? I don't really know.

I thought about that guy I had sex with in the forest. Do I want to do it again? Probably, but his communication is so poor that I don't even bother. I also remembered my teacher asking if there would be "no more meeting men in the forest." I thought of a snarky comeback I could have used:

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

Fun, huh?

For breakfast, I had something pretty yummy. Afterward, I got straight to my usual routine: working on art and fixing technical errors. Because I do 3D modeling and modding, it can be quite a hassle, especially when the tools are absolute garbage and you don't know how to code your own. I spent most of the day wrestling with that. In between tasks, my mind drifted to the garden crew and a few new epiphanies about myself.

I realized I don't need to see myself, or my inner child as a victim anymore. Sure, a ton of bad things happened, but we got through it. That means we are incredibly strong. I don't need to view him, or myself, through that fragile lens anymore.

I also recognize that I don't want bad things to happen to the garden crew. You naturally don't want bad things happening to people you once cared about, even if things ended poorly. But do I love them? No, I don't. Still, I prefer they stay safe. I know it is completely okay to be upset about how things went. After all, if they truly cared about me, wouldn't they still be around?

I've been thinking a lot about my teacher's game idea since he invited me to help out. Over the next week, I'm going to take the time to play Limbo and another interesting game I found to gather my thoughts. I want to brainstorm a solid art style, a compelling story, game progression, and character designs. I am also debating whether I want to learn pixel art. Pixel art is absolutely sick, and the animations look incredible.

Later on, I took a break from art and played ARMS with some people from Discord. I got absolutely whooped a few times, but I wasn't half bad myself! It was a pretty good time. Afterward, I hopped onto Tomodachi Life for a bit to check on the Miis. I kept a close eye on my teacher's Mii to see if he was doing anything funny so I could share it with him later. A heavy wave of melancholy hits me when I look at them. Seeing those adorable little goobers just hanging around on the island makes me wistful. I wish I had that. Friends.

Throughout the day, this deep melancholy kept returning, this intense longing to just have someone around. It was such a beautiful day. What could we have done together? I don't know, but I'd like to spend it with you. My mind spun out into questions:

★ Is there anyone out there worth staying around for?
★ Is my teacher staying in my life out of purpose, friendship, or just worry?
★ Am I consuming him? No, probably not. I am trying my best on my end.
★ Does anyone truly know me?
★ If I finally get real support, will I be able to talk freely?
★ Will I stare into the ocean's reflection and see nothing looking back?
★ Will I be left alone again?
★ What decision will I be happy with most?
★ What do you want to do?

I don't need to pressure myself to find the answers right now, but I will keep looking.

I signed up to volunteer for a cool upcoming event! I really want to do more volunteer work moving forward. If I am still around after August, I think I will finally look for a job.

Listening to a lot of music today that amplified that summer melancholy, just wanting to go out and have a ton of fun. One song in particular that I've been enjoying is "What You Were" by The Drums on YouTube. It is one of those songs that hits just right and makes me want to drop everything to go do something absolutely awesome and fun with you/dance with you.

I need to return my wolf shirt and exchange it for a size down. I also got another hair appointment scheduled. Sadly, no spaghetti today.

I think that is everything. The defining feeling of today is simply:

"Can you just be around? Maybe if you were here, I'd have a reason to stay."

Thank you for reading, kind stranger. I hope your day was beautiful.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 28: That Feeling Again

I woke up at around 10 or 12 this time. I don't remember. It is a Sunday. I typically don't do much on a Sunday.

I got up:

★ Washed my face
★ Made myself some breakfast

I don't remember much of what happened today since it's mainly a consistent blur again. Do the art stuff on the laptop. Think about all the feelings you have. I didn't do much. Just made an edit of an old model I made, but I gave up and just did some other ideas I had for boredom's sake.

Today's feelings mainly consist of "that feeling" again. It's the one where my melancholy, tiredness, and lack of connection all come together. All I want is someone to hang out with me, but no one is there. Thinking more about all the fun things I could do on this warm day, spend time with someone I love, laugh and play with them, ya' know?

R.I.P. I don't know anyone like that.

I've been thinking of a valid reason to stick around. What's a reason worth living? I can't find anything. Isn't that annoying? The only thing that might be worth sticking around for is the art teacher thing, but I don't think it's very mutual. Though, that is just me guessing. Then again, I just don't feel safe with anyone.
If I removed the pressure of everything, would I want to stick around? No. There's a lot I might miss out on, but I don't like how boring my episodes are. I want more consistency, but nothing really happens.

I played Splatoon 3 on Discord, but it devolved into a conversation over things we liked. Then they left to do something. We had a small chat, and it just reminded me of how I don't understand why I don't have anyone worth sticking around for in my life. Good friends, close relationships... something worth cherishing and staying around for. Rah.

I then just played Tomodachi Life and checked on the goobers. They seem well and are up to the usual shenanigans. I got the Space and Antarctica tickets, which was nice. The credits were pretty cool, and the rocket startup sequence was fucking cool. I'd like to show the teacher, but it just reminded me of one of the usual feelings:

if I stopped talking or sharing, would he even bother with me?

Honestly, is there anyone who wants to bother with me?

Yeah, Mum does. But I don't feel for her. Yeah, I know. What else am I supposed to say? I can't just make myself like her.

One of the Miis asked what the most thoughtful gift I've ever been given was, and I didn't know how to answer that either. I guess there are a few things, but sad stuff is attached to those. If it wasn't a physical object, then probably just... nothing? IDK. People are nice, but no one really stands by me, ya' know?

Well, I'm super duper eepy now.

I will be going to bed now. I hope your day was nice, and thanks for reading.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 29: Do You Wanna Go To The Beach?

The backing track for this blog post: Ride the Wind (pls play it)

Hi. Oh, hi. It's me again. Yeah, I woke up again. Truly tragic, I know.

It was around 10:00 AM when I woke up. I was having a funky dream about that deliciously succulent Dev build of a game I like, but with the added nonsense of dreams, ya know? Eventually, it was becoming lucid, and before I could do anything cool, it all went blank and I woke up. Bitch ass dream ending, I was about to go do some cool shit.

Anyway, I got up and did the usual. I checked Discord, etc., played games on my phone, and then actually did the usual:

★ Washed my face
★ Had breakfast

While getting breakfast, Mum was telling me off about going to sleep early. I wasn't dealing, so I snapped a little. She's been in a mood with me for most of the day because of that.
It did make me sad, but whatever. I got to my laptop and continued working on my usual art stuff. I was also checking SaSu and trying to have a conversation with someone, but nothing. So, I was feeling down by myself. I talked to a few people on Discord, but didn't get much out of it.

I continued doing my art bits for a while and started breaking down. It was super warm yesterday, and I was super tired of not being able to spend this lovely day melting in the sun with someone. My tears started falling endlessly, and I couldn't stop crying. I checked my email to get back to filling out a form for a poetry thing, but I saw my teacher had responded, and that made it worse. Because it's hard to think about the future when you're depressed. I had sent an email earlier that week talking about my concerns and ideas for the future, and he had gotten back to me, but the tone confused me a little. I was already feeling tired and drained, and having more confusing stuff to understand wasn't fun.

I melted even more. I left some vent emails about how bad I've been feeling today for my art teacher. He got back to me, but it couldn't hold a candle to my pain. I understand, because he isn't a professional, but it would've hurt less if he had taken more time to go through it with me, or just answered me about going to the beach. Yeah, I asked again. No, I don't have any dignity. I was gonna die anyway. He didn't give an answer again, and that felt awful. I cried for a while more while listening to melancholy music and trying to finish off the art stuff.

Honestly, the email isn't bad. It's very supportive and the usual I get from him, but I don't like it when people don't give me a proper answer on things. It reminds me of S and how much I have to guess things with him. I don't have much confidence in the lovely art teacher as it is right now, so it's harder to have faith.

Well. I was utterly conflicted, and I still am, but it seems to have lessened.

I made a poll on SaSu asking whether others would prefer dying in anguish or mental peace. While it didn't help much, it was still nice hearing how others felt about it. I also saw a cute Terminator pfp and learned a fascinating fact about female mantises.

I chose a good GIF to describe exactly how I felt at the time:











It is hard to hold myself together right now. There are so many thoughts flooding my heart and my mind:

What's the point of going if we can't have someone be there with us?
No one is going to be around again when we hold our face in our hands.
Why wait for later? Let's go home now.
Does he not want to go to the beach with me? Why won't he just say no?
Is he gonna abandon us too?
Are we too much?
Why don't people love me? Why don't people want to stay?
No one thinks about us as much as we think about others.
I just want someone to be here..
I just want to go out and have a blast with someone.
I want someone to show up. I want to feel like I matter.
I want to feel like someone's thinking of me.

A lot of these thoughts I will take the time to quell and understand, but I'm bored of that. I want someone to rub my back this time, instead of me doing it myself.
Though, the art teacher does show up to the forest when I ask. It's the most someone has done for me recently, the most someone has gone out of their way.

"But I know I can't rely on him."
"He's got his own things, remember?"
"Yeah, I know."
"But we don't have the time for ourselves anymore either."
"Yeah, I know."
"So let's go together."
"I'd like that. Can we go home?"
"Yeah. Let's go."

It is hard to look at the future without fear in my heart.
The fear alone couldn't take me down. It is the fact that I will be alone. Alone again to pull myself back together. But what am I even doing it for?
Nothing.

I've been telling myself for a long time that one day it will happen. I won't feel so alone anymore. I'll make friends, meet someone special, have a lot of fun, and go out and laugh together. See the stars and head to the beach.

But I'm 18 now. I know after all this time, if no one is going to hold my hand, give me a smile, rub my back, and tell me it's gonna be okay when things get tough... then I'd rather not stay around for my next breakdown.

I've always been alone and out of place in this world. I'm either too mean, or I try to be nice, or endearing, or weird, or funny, or entertaining. But it's never enough. It's never enough for someone to want to stand by me.

I am me. And I am alone.
I will take it upon myself to leave this world and find home.

I was gonna end it in the early morning hours, but I needed to finish the art stuff and that dragged on for a while. So I will do it today instead. I get to have another final meal, isn't that something? I had pizza, and I just had the chips now for breakfast.

I was slow dancing with my dearest pillow while waiting for the delivery man, I'm certainly not going to be able to do anything of the sort with a hunky dude when I'll be dead so soon. So my dearest pillow is good enough.

This isn't to say that I hate the art teacher or dislike him. I just can't hold a candle to myself anymore, and I think I'd like to move along now. I mean, what's the point of my bucket list if it's all by myself again? If I'm going to be standing at the beach by myself, then I'll probably be crying. So let's save that then. Let's just do it today, y'know? So yeah, hopefully my method works and my consciousness will be gone like zap.

I have not slept, but I wonder if my brain would've bothered giving me a nice dream before the end. I know what I desire, real companionship with someone.

On the flip side, I've been having some pretty fun conversations on Discord with the people from my friend's server. I finally finished one of the art projects for him, and now I'm done.

I think a new friend has also been made, and I think it could've turned out well, but we know how it usually goes. It always fizzles out, or they abandon me. Not that I think Mr. Art Teacher is gonna do that, but if he can't give a yes or no to me about a beach trip, then is my hope for him even worth it? I guess not.

As for today, I'll see if I can finish Limbo, and then do some litter picking for the rest of the day, and then grab noodles on my way back home. And, well, the end will be later!!!!

It's sadly time to move on. To be completely honest, I don't want to go. I wish I could meet someone who was worth sticking around for. Someone who was more mutual with me. Who at least is kind and caring, and doesn't randomly just stop talking to me, or just not bother with me anymore. Someone who will actually just be a human with me. A real human person. Someone who can hold my feelings with me, and I them. Someone who can at least say yes or no to a beach trip, haha.

See ya then. I hope your day was nice, and thank you for reading.

Good morning, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 30: Let's go home

Hey! Hey! Hey! Let's recap the events of today for the last time. (Hopefully.)

I noticed an error I had made on the render I did for a friend, but he doesn't seem to mind it. I chatted on his Discord server for a bit about the usual friendly, weird nonsense that I put out, and then went on to play Limbo. Let me tell you, it was a total rage bait simulator for me. The fucking spider, dying so often, the annoying noises, I disliked it to all hell! But I did feel smart completing the puzzles. I got stuck on one where you have a box and an elevator, but there's this ramp that acts like a seesaw and you can't move the box over it. I tried for a while and found this secret rope for the hidden collectible, or whatever those white, pearl looking things are. Idk. I gave up and played the usual games on my phone for a bit.

I kept on going in between going blank and snapping out of almost falling into a nap.

I checked SaSu and talked for a bit to the people around me. I was hoping someone would come along to litter pick with me, but people are busy. Others are feeling similarly tired, dealing with their own issues, or are just too far away.

I cut up the neck hole of my wolf shirt to make it bigger, and wore some sports shorts since I didn't have cargo shorts. I looked non-binary, cute, swag, and hot. It was a super warm day and my anxiety itches were being annoying, but I think I looked nice. I was gonna die today anyway, so what's it matter, ya know?
I saw a shirtless man in the car park, so I enjoyed the view thoroughly.

I grabbed my litter picking equipment and a bag, then made my way to the forest trail. I grabbed some water and noodles from the local corner shop and started picking up trash. Drinking water in between, readjusting my coat and tying it around my waist because I was sweating a ton, I was a salt lick, retying my coat, and shifting the strap on my shoulders while holding a heavy bag of garbage and trying to maneuver the litter picker.

It was a beautiful day today. It was super warm. I took some photos to share with the art teacher for my goodbye email, photos of the places I've seen and been with him. The bench, the college, the place I wait for him, and the path leading to the bench.

I saw the beautiful paths throughout the forest, and it reminded me of how I tend to imagine my goodbye. It's a white void. The camera is in a static position as it watches me walk away into the distance. I look around one more time, smile one big smile and wave at the camera goodbye, and turn back around as I continue to walk off... as I fade into the void.
I keep on thinking of that joke I saw on Reddit: "I'd make a good dead wife montage sequence." Yeah, I would. I'm amazing. But there isn't anyone who will walk past these paths I walked every day and think of me, or imagine me walking with them. I'm sadly only relevant to Mum. But you know how I feel about her, inconsistent and empty.

My garbage bag was full after finding so much leftover shit from someone leaving concrete bags, truly ew behavior. I tied it up and tried finding a nice spot to put it, which just reminded me that I need to fill out a form to have the garbage bags taken away. I walked down the path I was following and saw some new places I hadn't seen, and then I saw the canal. I didn't dip my feet, I wasn't sure if that was okay to do. But I wanted to.
After dropping the bag off at a nice streetlamp, I continued cleaning up around the area and even found an old scooter. Looking back, I should've gone for a ride on it, but oh well. Found someone's boxers and had an internal joke telling myself not to sniff them. I would never! I don't know where they've been, but it's funny to think the opposite.

I sat down at the bench I usually sit at near the canal, and a dude came around and asked to sit down. I started a general conversation with him, and then some kids came around to throw rocks into the canal. They left, and then after a bit, I did too. I wonder if I had friends when I was younger, if we would've done similar things, doing random things like this to entertain ourselves and go riding on our bikes, ya' know?

I said bye to the stranger, took a photo of the spot I wait for the teacher to come by, and went to lay on the grass outside of college for a bit. I lay there, thinking about my future and saying goodbye, staring into the clouds and chomping at them with my litter picker. I took some photos of college and then went to get one more photo of the bench I like sitting at, but the stranger dude was upset with me for some reason. This made me sad since I knew I didn't do anything wrong, but I felt bad nonetheless and was about to cry. I managed it well and just took the photo I could. The stranger was kind of a meanie head in this situation.

Another stranger came around to get high, so I got some photos of the canal I sit at and told him to have fun. He had some nice, strong arms, so those were nice to look at! I was worried the meanie stranger was going to do something with my garbage bag, which I had left to sit down earlier because it was heavy, and maybe he was upset about my bag? Idk. Thankfully, he didn't, and I went on my way home.

I got a milkshake and some chips, but I started crying thinking about Mr. Art Teacher, and the future. I went home, saw a DILF in shorts suntanning, hot, fr fr. I sat down to eat. I watched the latest episode of Rick and Morty, which was nice. I was pretty full and not feeling great. Mr. Art Teacher hadn't responded back, so I told him I can handle a "no, and I don't get why he isn't communicating."

I was really feeling down and sad, and really wanted to die just then and there, but I stood it for a while and started talking on Discord to the new friend I made. We chatted for a bit, and then started playing games and talking in chat. It was a lot of fun! We talked and laughed about a ton. It was so much fun. We talked with another diva for a bit, I didn't expect this person to be such a diva, but bada-boom, they are!

And while this was happening, I was on SaSu talking to this person who seemed really nice (the one with the cute Terminator pfp). We talked about my feelings, and them trying to encourage me to give life more of a go, etc, and what they like doing with their vintage items, their favorite being a clock. Anyway, then on Discord, we watched SpongeBob SAW videos and dubbed over them with another server member, and that was fun. We played a few more games and said bye. New friend and me have a lot in common, but sadly... even with them, I want to just go away.
Not because they ass, they pretty cool, but I just want to go. It seems like a nice time to go. It's also that I want to prove to other people that I can do this. I've tried dying so many times but failed and such, and if this one fails, then I'll try and take life by the balls. But if I don't... then this is the final day before the end.
It makes me worry that Mr. Art Teacher is only waiting for me to find something so he can up and leave. Which is okay for him, it's his choice, but I don't want him to go, whether that be my daddy issues, a crush, or a lack of a guidance figure.

I'm just in a mood where I've had a ton of fun. I enjoyed talking to my new friend, but I won't let life take away this peace and fun I had. I will end this night on a fun note. It is sad to give up because I could certainly have more fun moments like this with my new friend, but to be honest, I don't want to. I'm bored of life and its random, cruel bullshit. I also just am bored in general, though.

I'd prefer him staying around, but he never got back to me on that email and that sucked. I'm gonna send him one final email, as he is the closest I've gotten to home... and yet to experience the sweet release of death.

I understand that I will become nothing, but I will no longer be alone.

I want this pain to stop, and I've tried countless times with many different things, but I haven't tried death. The permanence holds me back, but is anyone holding my hand when death is a teardrop away?

At the same time...

I'd like to experience. I'd like to be an experience. But I don't have someone to show me the way.

I want to dance, and play games, and sing, and eat, and just do so much! I want to be an experience, and experience love, and men, and making games with Mr. Art Teacher, and becoming friends with him, hopefully. But that might just be a delusion. It might not have been if he had communicated with me in a way where I would feel less hurt on my end. Not that I'm blaming or hating on him, I appreciate him nonetheless.

I understand if I go now, I won't have any more of the oh so good moments that I might not even believe are happening, like meeting the man of my dreams, or meeting people I connect with in general, seeing the stars and the beach, going to many different places in Japan like Nintendo Land or the muscle cafes, continuing to explore what sexuality means to me with someone I love, and experiencing what I want most: to have someone to stand by me, to be loved, to have a home.

But there's another home, the loss of me for an endless slumber. Maybe a Prince Charming will come along, but I won't hold my breath. Let's go home. Let's find our solace, finally. Let's break through the atmosphere and dash along the stars, across the astral belt, and find somewhere where we can make a home.

Well, I'm gonna go eat my final noodles and then go night-night after I give Mr. Art Teacher my final goodbye from myself, the sweet, kind, funny, weird, and all together alien guy I am, and then I'll head off towards space to find my home. Haha.

Thank you for sticking around. We did one month of this, and I am glad I tried one more time.

So, I hope your life is nice and you have plenty of sweet times.

Goodnight, sweet friends. Come visit me on the moon if you want to hear from me again. SEEEEE YAAAAA!!!!!! : )


P.S. Segment

I want to talk about some anime clips that resonate with me, since I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it.

(Spoilers for: Takopi's Original Sin, Mob Psycho 100, Our Dreams at Dusk, and Blue Flag.)

Actually, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to share the clips, but it essentially boils down to having someone have your back. Like the scene of Naoki's older brother saying he's got his back. Or Takopi wishing that Shizuka and Marina, and all those who are alone, become happy adults. And the ending of Our Dreams at Dusk with Tasuku having found a community and people he can be himself around, his crush still being around and not being as much of a douche, and him looking up at the sky, knowing that the future is transparent but he doesn't need to dwell on it, he just needs to keep on going, doing the best he can. And when Mob laughs at the end of the last episode, looking so carefree and happy, surrounded by people he loves and being able to just be more himself. Beautiful.

And then Blue Flag. Yes, I know people don't like the ending, but I know. I know how my decision can hurt others and might even bring about the wrong solution, but to me, it seems like the kindest thing for myself. I'm happy and calm right now. Let's go home, that's what I want... and then those two head home together, holding hands.

I haven't held hands with someone I love before.

I understand that I can't experience that now. I'll prefer the calmness of my home, and I'll prefer the endless possibilities the next day might bring. I can hold both, and choose the thing that seems right for me.