Story Day 1. A day of fun and crashing again.

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 26: No Pressure

I woke up at 10:00 AM and got out of bed. (Yeah, I know. Crazy. Could never be me.)

★ Washed my face
★ Ate an apple

I needed to go and talk to someone to receive support through a mentor. It was a really sunny and warm day today.

My wolf shirt finally came, hooray! But it is too big, so I need to return it.

I went on my way to the appointment. I was holding a bag with my wolf shirt and a tank top because I planned to go to a shop afterward to try on some cargo shorts with the outfit.

I arrived at the place and we had a discussion. It seems I don't need a mentor for the time being, just mental health support. I left and went to the shop. I didn't like the cargo shorts, so I will just buy them online. I looked cute fr fr tho.

I got some lunch and sat down in the forest to eat it. It was a very peaceful moment with the sun shining through the leaves, me nomming on a yummy meal deal, and talking to myself.

I'll miss this if I die, but the peace might be better than this.

I guess it would be more clearer to say: that the world is very pretty sometimes and moments like these are very much appreciated, I just don't think I need to stick around for it.

The garden crew popped into my head, but I need to ignore them because they don't matter anymore.

Anyway, I went home and my knees were very tired. I washed off the germs and sat down to start doing more art stuff on my laptop. It was very annoying.

I got the game Limbo and will play it tomorrow!

I encountered many errors with my art stuff, so I will be fixing those now instead of sleeping because I'm bored of sleeping.

I've been listening to melancholy music all day on this warm day. I'm in a very funky and tired mood now.

I had lentils for dinner and now I am going to do those art fixes.

I emailed my teacher about some concerns for the future.

I'm sad right now about not being able to sleep next to someone today. Rah, I wanna sleep with someone and cuddle.

Thanks for reading, kind stranger. I hope your day was good.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 27: Dreaming of You and Nothing Less

I woke up again around 12:00 PM to another warm, sunny day.

After taking a shower, I shaved off my beard. It made me remember what my teacher said about shaving, how it can apparently be painful without foam. I don't actually use foam. I guess the water lubricates my skin well enough? I don't really know.

I thought about that guy I had sex with in the forest. Do I want to do it again? Probably, but his communication is so poor that I don't even bother. I also remembered my teacher asking if there would be "no more meeting men in the forest." I thought of a snarky comeback I could have used:

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

Fun, huh?

For breakfast, I had something pretty yummy. Afterward, I got straight to my usual routine: working on art and fixing technical errors. Because I do 3D modeling and modding, it can be quite a hassle, especially when the tools are absolute garbage and you don't know how to code your own. I spent most of the day wrestling with that. In between tasks, my mind drifted to the garden crew and a few new epiphanies about myself.

I realized I don't need to see myself, or my inner child as a victim anymore. Sure, a ton of bad things happened, but we got through it. That means we are incredibly strong. I don't need to view him, or myself, through that fragile lens anymore.

I also recognize that I don't want bad things to happen to the garden crew. You naturally don't want bad things happening to people you once cared about, even if things ended poorly. But do I love them? No, I don't. Still, I prefer they stay safe. I know it is completely okay to be upset about how things went. After all, if they truly cared about me, wouldn't they still be around?

I've been thinking a lot about my teacher's game idea since he invited me to help out. Over the next week, I'm going to take the time to play Limbo and another interesting game I found to gather my thoughts. I want to brainstorm a solid art style, a compelling story, game progression, and character designs. I am also debating whether I want to learn pixel art. Pixel art is absolutely sick, and the animations look incredible.

Later on, I took a break from art and played ARMS with some people from Discord. I got absolutely whooped a few times, but I wasn't half bad myself! It was a pretty good time. Afterward, I hopped onto Tomodachi Life for a bit to check on the Miis. I kept a close eye on my teacher's Mii to see if he was doing anything funny so I could share it with him later. A heavy wave of melancholy hits me when I look at them. Seeing those adorable little goobers just hanging around on the island makes me wistful. I wish I had that. Friends.

Throughout the day, this deep melancholy kept returning, this intense longing to just have someone around. It was such a beautiful day. What could we have done together? I don't know, but I'd like to spend it with you. My mind spun out into questions:

★ Is there anyone out there worth staying around for?
★ Is my teacher staying in my life out of purpose, friendship, or just worry?
★ Am I consuming him? No, probably not. I am trying my best on my end.
★ Does anyone truly know me?
★ If I finally get real support, will I be able to talk freely?
★ Will I stare into the ocean's reflection and see nothing looking back?
★ Will I be left alone again?
★ What decision will I be happy with most?
★ What do you want to do?

I don't need to pressure myself to find the answers right now, but I will keep looking.

I signed up to volunteer for a cool upcoming event! I really want to do more volunteer work moving forward. If I am still around after August, I think I will finally look for a job.

Listening to a lot of music today that amplified that summer melancholy, just wanting to go out and have a ton of fun. One song in particular that I've been enjoying is "What You Were" by The Drums on YouTube. It is one of those songs that hits just right and makes me want to drop everything to go do something absolutely awesome and fun with you/dance with you.

I need to return my wolf shirt and exchange it for a size down. I also got another hair appointment scheduled. Sadly, no spaghetti today.

I think that is everything. The defining feeling of today is simply:

"Can you just be around? Maybe if you were here, I'd have a reason to stay."

Thank you for reading, kind stranger. I hope your day was beautiful.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 28: That Feeling Again

I woke up at around 10 or 12 this time. I don't remember. It is a Sunday. I typically don't do much on a Sunday.

I got up:

★ Washed my face
★ Made myself some breakfast

I don't remember much of what happened today since it's mainly a consistent blur again. Do the art stuff on the laptop. Think about all the feelings you have. I didn't do much. Just made an edit of an old model I made, but I gave up and just did some other ideas I had for boredom's sake.

Today's feelings mainly consist of "that feeling" again. It's the one where my melancholy, tiredness, and lack of connection all come together. All I want is someone to hang out with me, but no one is there. Thinking more about all the fun things I could do on this warm day, spend time with someone I love, laugh and play with them, ya' know?

R.I.P. I don't know anyone like that.

I've been thinking of a valid reason to stick around. What's a reason worth living? I can't find anything. Isn't that annoying? The only thing that might be worth sticking around for is the art teacher thing, but I don't think it's very mutual. Though, that is just me guessing. Then again, I just don't feel safe with anyone.
If I removed the pressure of everything, would I want to stick around? No. There's a lot I might miss out on, but I don't like how boring my episodes are. I want more consistency, but nothing really happens.

I played Splatoon 3 on Discord, but it devolved into a conversation over things we liked. Then they left to do something. We had a small chat, and it just reminded me of how I don't understand why I don't have anyone worth sticking around for in my life. Good friends, close relationships... something worth cherishing and staying around for. Rah.

I then just played Tomodachi Life and checked on the goobers. They seem well and are up to the usual shenanigans. I got the Space and Antarctica tickets, which was nice. The credits were pretty cool, and the rocket startup sequence was fucking cool. I'd like to show the teacher, but it just reminded me of one of the usual feelings:

if I stopped talking or sharing, would he even bother with me?

Honestly, is there anyone who wants to bother with me?

Yeah, Mum does. But I don't feel for her. Yeah, I know. What else am I supposed to say? I can't just make myself like her.

One of the Miis asked what the most thoughtful gift I've ever been given was, and I didn't know how to answer that either. I guess there are a few things, but sad stuff is attached to those. If it wasn't a physical object, then probably just... nothing? IDK. People are nice, but no one really stands by me, ya' know?

Well, I'm super duper eepy now.

I will be going to bed now. I hope your day was nice, and thanks for reading.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 29: Do You Wanna Go To The Beach?

The backing track for this blog post: Ride the Wind (pls play it)

Hi. Oh, hi. It's me again. Yeah, I woke up again. Truly tragic, I know.

It was around 10:00 AM when I woke up. I was having a funky dream about that deliciously succulent Dev build of a game I like, but with the added nonsense of dreams, ya know? Eventually, it was becoming lucid, and before I could do anything cool, it all went blank and I woke up. Bitch ass dream ending, I was about to go do some cool shit.

Anyway, I got up and did the usual. I checked Discord, etc., played games on my phone, and then actually did the usual:

★ Washed my face
★ Had breakfast

While getting breakfast, Mum was telling me off about going to sleep early. I wasn't dealing, so I snapped a little. She's been in a mood with me for most of the day because of that.
It did make me sad, but whatever. I got to my laptop and continued working on my usual art stuff. I was also checking SaSu and trying to have a conversation with someone, but nothing. So, I was feeling down by myself. I talked to a few people on Discord, but didn't get much out of it.

I continued doing my art bits for a while and started breaking down. It was super warm yesterday, and I was super tired of not being able to spend this lovely day melting in the sun with someone. My tears started falling endlessly, and I couldn't stop crying. I checked my email to get back to filling out a form for a poetry thing, but I saw my teacher had responded, and that made it worse. Because it's hard to think about the future when you're depressed. I had sent an email earlier that week talking about my concerns and ideas for the future, and he had gotten back to me, but the tone confused me a little. I was already feeling tired and drained, and having more confusing stuff to understand wasn't fun.

I melted even more. I left some vent emails about how bad I've been feeling today for my art teacher. He got back to me, but it couldn't hold a candle to my pain. I understand, because he isn't a professional, but it would've hurt less if he had taken more time to go through it with me, or just answered me about going to the beach. Yeah, I asked again. No, I don't have any dignity. I was gonna die anyway. He didn't give an answer again, and that felt awful. I cried for a while more while listening to melancholy music and trying to finish off the art stuff.

Honestly, the email isn't bad. It's very supportive and the usual I get from him, but I don't like it when people don't give me a proper answer on things. It reminds me of S and how much I have to guess things with him. I don't have much confidence in the lovely art teacher as it is right now, so it's harder to have faith.

Well. I was utterly conflicted, and I still am, but it seems to have lessened.

I made a poll on SaSu asking whether others would prefer dying in anguish or mental peace. While it didn't help much, it was still nice hearing how others felt about it. I also saw a cute Terminator pfp and learned a fascinating fact about female mantises.

I chose a good GIF to describe exactly how I felt at the time:











It is hard to hold myself together right now. There are so many thoughts flooding my heart and my mind:

What's the point of going if we can't have someone be there with us?
No one is going to be around again when we hold our face in our hands.
Why wait for later? Let's go home now.
Does he not want to go to the beach with me? Why won't he just say no?
Is he gonna abandon us too?
Are we too much?
Why don't people love me? Why don't people want to stay?
No one thinks about us as much as we think about others.
I just want someone to be here..
I just want to go out and have a blast with someone.
I want someone to show up. I want to feel like I matter.
I want to feel like someone's thinking of me.

A lot of these thoughts I will take the time to quell and understand, but I'm bored of that. I want someone to rub my back this time, instead of me doing it myself.
Though, the art teacher does show up to the forest when I ask. It's the most someone has done for me recently, the most someone has gone out of their way.

"But I know I can't rely on him."
"He's got his own things, remember?"
"Yeah, I know."
"But we don't have the time for ourselves anymore either."
"Yeah, I know."
"So let's go together."
"I'd like that. Can we go home?"
"Yeah. Let's go."

It is hard to look at the future without fear in my heart.
The fear alone couldn't take me down. It is the fact that I will be alone. Alone again to pull myself back together. But what am I even doing it for?
Nothing.

I've been telling myself for a long time that one day it will happen. I won't feel so alone anymore. I'll make friends, meet someone special, have a lot of fun, and go out and laugh together. See the stars and head to the beach.

But I'm 18 now. I know after all this time, if no one is going to hold my hand, give me a smile, rub my back, and tell me it's gonna be okay when things get tough... then I'd rather not stay around for my next breakdown.

I've always been alone and out of place in this world. I'm either too mean, or I try to be nice, or endearing, or weird, or funny, or entertaining. But it's never enough. It's never enough for someone to want to stand by me.

I am me. And I am alone.
I will take it upon myself to leave this world and find home.

I was gonna end it in the early morning hours, but I needed to finish the art stuff and that dragged on for a while. So I will do it today instead. I get to have another final meal, isn't that something? I had pizza, and I just had the chips now for breakfast.

I was slow dancing with my dearest pillow while waiting for the delivery man, I'm certainly not going to be able to do anything of the sort with a hunky dude when I'll be dead so soon. So my dearest pillow is good enough.

This isn't to say that I hate the art teacher or dislike him. I just can't hold a candle to myself anymore, and I think I'd like to move along now. I mean, what's the point of my bucket list if it's all by myself again? If I'm going to be standing at the beach by myself, then I'll probably be crying. So let's save that then. Let's just do it today, y'know? So yeah, hopefully my method works and my consciousness will be gone like zap.

I have not slept, but I wonder if my brain would've bothered giving me a nice dream before the end. I know what I desire, real companionship with someone.

On the flip side, I've been having some pretty fun conversations on Discord with the people from my friend's server. I finally finished one of the art projects for him, and now I'm done.

I think a new friend has also been made, and I think it could've turned out well, but we know how it usually goes. It always fizzles out, or they abandon me. Not that I think Mr. Art Teacher is gonna do that, but if he can't give a yes or no to me about a beach trip, then is my hope for him even worth it? I guess not.

As for today, I'll see if I can finish Limbo, and then do some litter picking for the rest of the day, and then grab noodles on my way back home. And, well, the end will be later!!!!

It's sadly time to move on. To be completely honest, I don't want to go. I wish I could meet someone who was worth sticking around for. Someone who was more mutual with me. Who at least is kind and caring, and doesn't randomly just stop talking to me, or just not bother with me anymore. Someone who will actually just be a human with me. A real human person. Someone who can hold my feelings with me, and I them. Someone who can at least say yes or no to a beach trip, haha.

See ya then. I hope your day was nice, and thank you for reading.

Good morning, sweet friends.