Story Day 1. A day of fun and crashing again.

[HeyBoogahJr]

I woke up and I got ready for college.

Told the people I like to have a good week.

I ate my apple and banana like I usually do, I listened to "Here comes a thought" to call myself.

I had a little fear in my heart about how I'll deal with the events of last Thursday at college.

I locked the door and pushed the key through the letterbox and realised I forgot my headphones. Tragic.

I walked to college, felt a little itchy. Saw some cute ducks laying about.

I sat down for a bit and calmed myself.

I went in and sat down with my classmates? We were apparently doing a trip today. I asked how they were doing and drank water. I saw that teacher walk past and felt bad. Damn, does he even want to talk to me anymore...

We got on the taxi, I made sure to check if anyone knew about Thursday and no one did thankfully.

We had a nice chat in the taxi and made it to the park and had a nice day. It was sunny and bright.

We walked and talked and took photos, had a picnic, I rolled down a hill, I played badminton and we had ice cream.

In between that, I checked my emails and saw that my teacher responded, it was a small response to all my pain and sadness.

He was busy and he only saw them now. But nothing after that.

I grabbed a big stick and broke it, I beat the ground with it many times. How angry I was, how saw I felt.

My ARMS keychain broke while I was pushing someone on the swing. I need to fix it. Almost lost all the pieces.

Wish I had someone who could help me fix it.

We went back and had another nice chat in the taxi.

I went to see my leaving care worker and we talked about my pain and sadness. She dropped me off at home and I was on sasu for the rest of the day.

I walked to my clown course and I had a wonderfully fun time there.

On my walk home I thought of the person who told me off about Thursday. "I can't do that again or I can't come anymore"

I sat down, I thought about how he didn't even ask why I did it. He just told me off.

It's been a while, I should've noticed it sooner, but it seems like this person seems to be distancing themselves now. How cruel. How sad. I've been trying to be friends with them for so long. I want to punch them in the face.

For a while now, I've been texting this persona Nd talking to them like we were besties. But he next really gave any of that back. He hasn't been asking about me or my week. Saying hi.

Maybe it was too painful to notice. I thought about how I could get back at him. I'd bring in Alcahol again and this time I'd make sure I'd be dead. The night night method seems a lot more nicer than hanging myself fully.

But I know I'm angry, I know I'm sad. When I die. I don't want it to be against another dick who can't just be human with me.

I want to die peacefully. I want to die not to spite someone. (Or else I'll become a ghost)

Anyway, how was your day today?

I'm gonna go patch up both my coats, shower, eat something yummy and see how my miis are doing in my island.

Thanks for reading.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 2: Just Another Day.

Today was Tuesday.

So I kinda didn't sleep for a while, I was awake until like 5am.

Why? I went to go do the deed with a stranger on Sniffies (gay app like Grindr) we did it, then conversated and I said bye.

On my walk home I thought, that maybe I didn't want to do sexual things (guess I'm spiritually a hoe confirmed.) I might just want to do it with a guy I like. Idk, I don't see myself meeting the man of my dreams before my birthday. But hopefully I will and I won't be found dead on a beach.

But I'm no longer a virgin, so I guess that's something. But a milestone for me would be if someone loved me and wanted to spend time with me.

I came home and showered, cleaned my butt out and went to bed.

I woke up around 13:50, I was thinking about the PS-Vita and how much I wanted one.

I got up and had breakfast, helped mum carry bags after she was done shopping.

I went out in my pyjamas.

Put on some vine compilations in the background.

Anyone know what "Taste the biscuit" is? If not.
I suggest watching it. It's a nice video. It's on YouTube.

I've been playing Tomodachi Life: Living the Dream. It's been going well, my teachers mii, isn't interested in being friends with me. Damn.

I have a husband on the island. Laios. Hehe.

I wish I could live on a quaint little island and just know everyone there and have a fun time.

I stopped and played ARMS for a bit. I've been trying to beat my score in Random ARMS mode, and I go down the roster and start over. Today was Twintelle and I lost in V-Ball at around 20.

I got up. Patched up some rips in my coats.

I'm hungry and will be eating some buldak noodles now. Off the bed and then it's college tomorrow and some gardening.

How was your day?

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Holy heck you listen to here comes a thought to calm yourself too? It's relaxing. Is that your favorite SU song? I love Steven Universe. Lapis is my favorite. Is yours Pearl?

Proud of you for doing college that's hard work. What's a clown course BTW? Glad you had fun!! Like your pictures.

Sorry you hooked up with someone and didn't like it too much. I've done the same. Being with someone you love would be way better. I hope you find soneone you love! You deserve it.

Why would you be found on the beach?

Tomodachi life and Buldak noodles sounds amazing BTW I'm jealous lol.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Yeah I was listening to it earlier today. Sitting and waiting. But no one came around. It's a lovely song. Thinking about yourself. Taking a breath. Even if it isn't little. It helps.

I like a ton of su songs. Love like you is my favourite. What is yours? Bird mom is an icon, but my favourite is peridot.

Lapis is an icon too, her feelings are understandable and the pain she must've gone through. Bitch beat blue diamond in sad contest.

Thanks, I appreciate it. College isn't hard. Life isn't too hard, I have to do something. It's better than crying and screaming in your bedroom, y'know? What do you do?

Thanks again, I would love to meet that special someone, maybe I'd be less alien. And maybe I could love like you (hehe)

Who do you look for in a partner?

I plan on doing something around my birthday, if I'm alone again. The place I wanted to go the most. Then it's best if I don't continue the rocky road ahead.

I had curry instead, but watching those goobers interact, it's cute. I wish I had that.

What games do you play? Comfort meal? How's your day going?

Holy heck you listen to here comes a thought to calm yourself too? It's relaxing. Is that your favorite SU song? I love Steven Universe. Lapis is my favorite. Is yours Pearl?

Proud of you for doing college that's hard work. What's a clown course BTW? Glad you had fun!! Like your pictures.

Sorry you hooked up with someone and didn't like it too much. I've done the same. Being with someone you love would be way better. I hope you find soneone you love! You deserve it.

Why would you be found on the beach?

Tomodachi life and Buldak noodles sounds amazing BTW I'm jealous

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Yeah I was listening to it earlier today. Sitting and waiting. But no one came around. It's a lovely song. Thinking about yourself. Taking a breath. Even if it isn't little. It helps.

I like a ton of su songs. Love like you is my favourite. What is yours? Bird mom is an icon, but my favourite is peridot.

Lapis is an icon too, her feelings are understandable and the pain she must've gone through. Bitch beat blue diamond in sad contest.

Thanks, I appreciate it. College isn't hard. Life isn't too hard, I have to do something. It's better than crying and screaming in your bedroom, y'know? What do you do?

Thanks again, I would love to meet that special someone, maybe I'd be less alien. And maybe I could love like you (hehe)

Who do you look for in a partner?

I plan on doing something around my birthday, if I'm alone again. The place I wanted to go the most. Then it's best if I don't continue the rocky road ahead.

I had curry instead, but watching those goobers interact, it's cute. I wish I had that.

What games do you play? Comfort meal? How's your day going?

I'm glad the song helps you too! It's such a nice one.

Do it for her is my favorite song maybe. Hard to pick tho. Bird mom is indeed an icon lol.

Yeah I think that's why I like Lapis so much. She's super relatable. I forgot she beat blue diamond lol. I need to watch again. The show is very comforting.

Peridot is my 2nd favorite. She's such a fun little goblin. I love them episode where her and lapis watch that TV show together and make meep morps lol.

I'm glad things aren't too stressful for you in life. That's a good attitude you have about keeping trying and not wallowing in sadness. My therapist told me that is how you should be. Everyone needs to cry and let it out sometimes though! I try to do the same.

I'm sure you will met someone special to you! I found someone i cared for a lot and they did me. It was very unexpected. You never know when or where it could happen! It does make you feel more like you have a place in life. It doesn't cure everything tho obviously. I look for someone who is very caring and kind, and can relate or deal with how I feel. I don't have a lot of qualifications lol. I bet you look for the same. Everyone wants someone like that.

Birthdays are the worst for me I cry all the time. Try not to do anything on your birthday if you can. You might get impulsive and not make the best choice. I understand how you feel tho.

Curry sounds good with lots of spice!! That game looks really fun. You play it a lot? Is that the only game?

I play lots of games. My comfort drink is coffee not sure about a meal. I'm not doing good, but I will try to feel better. Wbu?

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

I'm glad the song helps you too! It's such a nice one.

Do it for her is my favorite song maybe. Hard to pick tho. Bird mom is indeed an icon lol.

Yeah I think that's why I like Lapis so much. She's super relatable. I forgot she beat blue diamond lol. I need to watch again. The show is very comforting.

Peridot is my 2nd favorite. She's such a fun little goblin. I love them episode where her and lapis watch that TV show together and make meep morps lol.

I'm glad things aren't too stressful for you in life. That's a good attitude you have about keeping trying and not wallowing in sadness. My therapist told me that is how you should be. Everyone needs to cry and let it out sometimes though! I try to do the same.

I'm sure you will met someone special to you! I found someone i cared for a lot and they did me. It was very unexpected. You never know when or where it could happen! It does make you feel more like you have a place in life. It doesn't cure everything tho obviously. I look for someone who is very caring and kind, and can relate or deal with how I feel. I don't have a lot of qualifications lol. I bet you look for the same. Everyone wants someone like that.

Birthdays are the worst for me I cry all the time. Try not to do anything on your birthday if you can. You might get impulsive and not make the best choice. I understand how you feel tho.

Curry sounds good with lots of spice!! That game looks really fun. You play it a lot? Is that the only game?

I play lots of games. My comfort drink is coffee not sure about a meal. I'm not doing good, but I will try to feel better. Wbu?

It is a really nice song. I appreciate Rebecca sugar a ton.

Do it for her is a nice song too. What do you like about it? Pearls emotions? Connies lack of safety?

I'd love to get a pearl point from her.

The show is wonderful. I'm listening to drift away right now.

It would be fun to make meep morps with someone, live on a farm, dance together and watch TV. I like how peridot and lapis are friends.

Yeah "how you should be" what a fuckin sentence. I cry often. What do you do?

I cope everyday with the imaginary boyfriend I have. He's the only one who's had my back. I'd be a lot worse without him. Without me. You have some nice qualities your looking for. We all deserve someone who can listen and be there for us, be kind and understanding.

I don't have that sadly. I know mum tried to, but something is wrong with me. I just don't like her. What would your dream person be like?

I appreciate the advice. I'm sorry to hear that you have a ton of pain on your birthday too. No one needs that on such a day. Whether it be special or sad that your existence was brought about on this day.

The birthday thing is just a nice plan. Can you wait a little longer? Let's do a few more things, yeah? If no one is there to hold us, be our friend on our birthday. I'll take you to the stars. We'll make our own home elsewhere. I'm gonna sit at that beach and remind myself of all the pain. I'm gonna come back home. Goto a graduation party. And when the next big bad day comes. I'll be off and away. I don't have the energy for this anymore.

I play Splatoon and arms and Undertale and danganronpa and many many many games. But I mainly am just playing tomodachi life rn. What do you play?

I don't like coffee, maybe I'm just not adult enough haha.

Sorry, I hope you feel better soon.

I had a bad day, and I'll pen it down on my thread. Do you want to move to DMs? I want to have my thread be about my days before the end. Thanks

 

[Kanau_Nano]

It is a really nice song. I appreciate Rebecca sugar a ton.

Do it for her is a nice song too. What do you like about it? Pearls emotions? Connies lack of safety?

I'd love to get a pearl point from her.

The show is wonderful. I'm listening to drift away right now.

It would be fun to make meep morps with someone, live on a farm, dance together and watch TV. I like how peridot and lapis are friends.

Yeah "how you should be" what a fuckin sentence. I cry often. What do you do?

I cope everyday with the imaginary boyfriend I have. He's the only one who's had my back. I'd be a lot worse without him. Without me. You have some nice qualities your looking for. We all deserve someone who can listen and be there for us, be kind and understanding.

I don't have that sadly. I know mum tried to, but something is wrong with me. I just don't like her. What would your dream person be like?

I appreciate the advice. I'm sorry to hear that you have a ton of pain on your birthday too. No one needs that on such a day. Whether it be special or sad that your existence was brought about on this day.

The birthday thing is just a nice plan. Can you wait a little longer? Let's do a few more things, yeah? If no one is there to hold us, be our friend on our birthday. I'll take you to the stars. We'll make our own home elsewhere. I'm gonna sit at that beach and remind myself of all the pain. I'm gonna come back home. Goto a graduation party. And when the next big bad day comes. I'll be off and away. I don't have the energy for this anymore.

I play Splatoon and arms and Undertale and danganronpa and many many many games. But I mainly am just playing tomodachi life rn. What do you play?

I don't like coffee, maybe I'm just not adult enough haha.

Sorry, I hope you feel better soon.

I had a bad day, and I'll pen it down on my thread. Do you want to move to DMs? I want to have my thread be about my days before the end. Thanks

Yeah I'll pm you in a bit sorry for taking the thread up

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 3: how is this caring?

I woke up and the garden manager had messaged me.

He told me it's urgent and he'll come visit. But it was at 8. I wasn't awake then. I changed my alarm for 8:50 because college said to come in later.

I obviously knew he wanted to talk about my suicide attempt at his garden. Someone had let him know. Tragic. I pretended it was something else, something he needed help with. To feel like he actually cared about me.

He told me to call him instead. Why would I? I told him okay. And waited. I assumed he'd be by at 8 but oh well.

I had my breakfast of apple and banana. Got some food for college to share.

I listened to here comes a thought and went on my way.

The forest trail entrance from the canal side was blocked by construction people, so I went to through the forest instead.

I said hi to the receptionist. Got some water and went upstairs. Not looking at the teacher.

I came in and sat down, checked my cookie clicker. Checked my email. The teacher didn't give ne a reply that was barley worth sending all my pain. Wow.

I did some work and went to grab lunch.

I hummed on the trip to lunch and back. The mario world map theme, I think?

I started feeling worse and worse. I had my yummy meal deal, of chicken and mushroom noodles with BBQ hoops and choccy milk.

I like choccy milk.

Still no response from the teacher. R.i.p

The bandaid on my toe fell off. (-1 defense)

I watched Grief on YouTube (he does recap video of horror stuff, I like him) I found the song Home - KillMeKatie through him. I suggest taking a listen.

Eventually the teacher came in and he did previously throughout the day but he didn't acknowledge my existence. It hurt.

He stayed to help another student and it didn't feel good to feel like a ghost so I went home with the food I brought. No one tried it. He didn't even acknowledge my existence still.

I walked to the garden after dropping the food off at home.

I walked past S and tried getting my pass. But he told me I wasn't allowed in anymore. "Well damn. That's balls."

He told me to walk and talk, but then he barley said anything and left me alone to get another person. A complete stranger. The stranger told me I couldn't come back anymore and that they wished they could help and are concerned.

I started writing down what I was experiencing. So my future self can look back on it and hold no doubt when he ends himself:

He didn't bother saying anything. He's standing and looking around. He has someone else talking for him.

And then he left. He said bye. Wow.

Passing by one last time and he doesn't even reach out.

He only cares about his job. Not the friend I tried to be, not the card I made for him, not the food I made for him, not the jokes. Nothing I did was enough. What a friend he was.

"Urgent" he said. He looked at me like nothing but a ghost.

He'd rather listen to people that don't respect him.

Fuck you.

And yet, when I'm going end it all. I'll still send a message to him.

I walked off in shambles, I wanted to kick and punch something. I kept calm and collected like the queen I am when I was there. But god what a dick.

So I eventually went home and forgot that he still has my stuff at the garden. He left some of it outside but forgot to get the rest.

I went to the GP. Got a boring appointment about my depression. Walked home. Walked back to the garden to get my helmet and nail polish. Tomorrow I'll get my wellies and sunflowers.

I messaged him later to ask about one more thing:

Conversation with S (garden manager):

Me: Also, what is thy email?

Me: Also, to clarify. I'm perma-banned? Fr fr?

Me: You could've just messaged that

S: Yes, I'm afraid so. You're not very well, and your actions meant that I couldn't keep it between us - the garden and school is a safe space for children. That is my first responsibility.

Reply to: You could've just messaged that
S: That would've been a dick move

S: I'm not angry at you or disappointed or anything. I am sad that you cant come back, and I am very worried about you.

- Fin~

Nice to know that. But has he bothered saying anything else to me. I didn't even ask if he was disappointed in me. The way he looked at me when he was just standing around saying nothing and having someone else speak for me. Yeah. That sure looked like "worry" and not "I couldn't care less" what a dick move to have someone else talk to me about their "concerns"

See. He isn't gonna bother reaching out further. To try and even be human with me. What a dick.

He's pushed me onto someone else. That isn't care. Fuck you.

I messed up again. But it doesn't feel like that and it doesn't feel bad. I understood that on Tuesday. He doesn't care about me.

Anyway. I came home and ate food. Started collecting emails of the people I want to email when I eventually say bye forever. Sad that piece of shit will hear me at my ending.

Played more tomodachi life. Need to add new people. Keep on trying to make my mii and ths teachers mii be friends. I know. Sad.

Smosh in the background playing. I like tntl. Damien Haas is a hot man.

Met some nice people on here.

Drift away from Steven Universe is the music for the day. Because that's what happened to me today.

I'm gonna go eat noodles and look through Reddit.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 4: I'm bored and want my destruction.

Today is Thursday.

I hadn't mentioned but this week's outfit is the dungarees and ARMS FIGHT t-shirt with my laios keychain and bite risk keychain. Ain't I adorable? Tee-hee.

I woke up and didn't crave Ps-Vitas this time. Not in a eating yummy way. Though they do feel good in my mouth, but I'm more into how the Dsi tastes.

I made some eggs and had them for breakfast.

In between pretending to be normal and not depressed. Going to Asda was a drag, but I sure did see some hot men.

I got what mum wanted and what I wanted.

Im checking my emails constantly now. I know it isn't healthy, but I'm doing it on purpose now.

Nothing from my teacher. Isn't that cruel.

I gave mum her stuff.

I sat in my room and thought about ways I could mess with myself. Let's go on an extreme diet and become skinny, build a plan for daily life and then get fucked by men left and right and diagnolly, horizontally, on the fridge, on the ceiling. I'm giving black diamond. I'll see how it goes. I know I can do it.

I'm not interested in sex I'm just bored and like in every show with a messed up gay main character sex with men is the only way I can feel wanted. (Right now)

Anyway I was just sitting around staring into the blue sky and researching and seeing what's going on here.

I went to the queer young adults group and I was too depressed so I played mario kart Wii. Had a chat with the youth worker and then sat in the library room on my phone listening to ink another day.

I was going home when I got messages from S (garden manager) and he was being annoying about telling my mum about what I did. What a dick.

I got to gardening, picked up my shit. The sunflowers weren't growing. So I guess I'm gonna give a bouquet to my main teacher. Not the one I'm sad for. A sunflower would be a bit cruel anyway.

Here's a sunflower I grew. I'm gonna go kill myself now. Tee-hee.

So yeah.

I thought about giving my teacher and ultimatum of choosing to sit with me and talk outside or to never speak again. But ultimatums are for cunts and I'm not one of those.

Anyway I got home and I don't remember what I did. Probably just being bored. I got some messages from S and they were annoying. But it seems to have calmed my suicidal tendencies down. I don't want that. I want to die.

I had curry btw.

Anyway I'm gonna respond to him. Then goto bed after doing some light exercise.

Friday is tomorrow.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 4: I'm bored and want my destruction.

Today is Thursday.

I hadn't mentioned but this week's outfit is the dungarees and ARMS FIGHT t-shirt with my laios keychain and bite risk keychain. Ain't I adorable? Tee-hee.

I woke up and didn't crave Ps-Vitas this time. Not in a eating yummy way. Though they do feel good in my mouth, but I'm more into how the Dsi tastes.

I made some eggs and had them for breakfast.

In between pretending to be normal and not depressed. Going to Asda was a drag, but I sure did see some hot men.

I got what mum wanted and what I wanted.

Im checking my emails constantly now. I know it isn't healthy, but I'm doing it on purpose now.

Nothing from my teacher. Isn't that cruel.

I gave mum her stuff.

I sat in my room and thought about ways I could mess with myself. Let's go on an extreme diet and become skinny, build a plan for daily life and then get fucked by men left and right and diagnolly, horizontally, on the fridge, on the ceiling. I'm giving black diamond. I'll see how it goes. I know I can do it.

I'm not interested in sex I'm just bored and like in every show with a messed up gay main character sex with men is the only way I can feel wanted. (Right now)

Anyway I was just sitting around staring into the blue sky and researching and seeing what's going on here.

I went to the queer young adults group and I was too depressed so I played mario kart Wii. Had a chat with the youth worker and then sat in the library room on my phone listening to ink another day.

I was going home when I got messages from S (garden manager) and he was being annoying about telling my mum about what I did. What a dick.

I got to gardening, picked up my shit. The sunflowers weren't growing. So I guess I'm gonna give a bouquet to my main teacher. Not the one I'm sad for. A sunflower would be a bit cruel anyway.

Here's a sunflower I grew. I'm gonna go kill myself now. Tee-hee.

So yeah.

I thought about giving my teacher and ultimatum of choosing to sit with me and talk outside or to never speak again. But ultimatums are for cunts and I'm not one of those.

Anyway I got home and I don't remember what I did. Probably just being bored. I got some messages from S and they were annoying. But it seems to have calmed my suicidal tendencies down. I don't want that. I want to die.

I had curry btw.

Anyway I'm gonna respond to him. Then goto bed after doing some light exercise.

Friday is tomorrow.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

Day 5: Kinda sad, Kinda okay.

Today's song is: No one's around to help. (Story of my life tee-hee.)

Today was the fabled Friday.

I woke up a bit earlier than my alarm and there was a deep anxiety in my chest.

I got up and did the usual routine of washing face, brushing teeth, eating breakfast and changing to my outside clothes.

I watched the latest video from SourceMaster_ they analyse Steven Universe episodes. Today being "Cry for Help." funny coincidence.

I went on my way and walked slowly, I calmed myself down and told myself to hold no expectations and just let whatever it is, be whatever it is. I mean. I'm gonna die this year anyway. It's whatever.

I waited around for a bit and check SaSu and then went in.

I walked into my class as I couldn't face him yet. My anxiety was a ton. I left my class and went to the music room where the art teacher usually is. I sat down and couldn't talk. I wrote down my feelings in my notes for the future.

Here's what I wrote:

I'm sitting here, anxious and tired. I don't know what to do.

He seems to endlessly stare at his laptop, working on whatever he needs to work on. Anything but everything else.

The taps of his keys continue to patter along, playing a discordant melody, bringing my mind no end of pain. Can he not see me? Am I really that irrelevant. Does he not want to bother.

I avoid his gaze, too tired to look. Too tired to finding nothing there.

Even now after his gentle hello, he persists in not talking, not saying another word.

And this analogy? I think? Idk. I thought of it the night before and tried writing it down:

The Monkey and Art.

The monkey sits there looking curiously at the canvas what could he possibly do with it, beside it lay the brushes to build something great. The monkey chooses to do nothing, it doesn't wish to paint, it doesn't wish to look at it, it wants nothing to do with it. The monkey won't communicate. It's no longer an option, it never was.

The canvas sits there waiting for all the different things that could be painted, all the possibilities, the endless potential. But it's left to be blank, nothing more. Nothing less. who could possibly want to look at a blank canvas? Who would? Who would want to do that?

Anyway.

It took me a while to speak. Actually it took me looking at him and noticing his haircut and I was like

That eased the tension on my end and we started talking a bit more, about what's been going on and his week and whatever else. I still wasn't feeling good.

Another student was in the room doing blender so I gave some pointers and sat down.

Eventually the assistant teacher came in and we decided to do some clay printing. I asked my art teacher if he was okay for a chat in the local forest and he said sure. At 2:30.

Ok. Hooray. I started to realise I wasn't feeling as drab and dreary as the whole week was. I couldn't accept that I could be happy right now. I don't want to lose the pain. I need it for pushing myself over the edge.

We sat outside and had nice conversations and did many different prints in paper.

I chatted with other teachers and another student who came to sit with us outside.

Made some pretty cool looking art.

Learned the art teacher can juggle.

The teachers are planning a camp bonding trip. Sounds delightful. Wish I I could do something like that. God. I'm lonely. I'm glad that they have something like that though.

We put the stuff away and the assistant teacher showed the art teacher what I did.

I said bye and waited at the forest for a bit. I was a little worried that he wouldn't come. I mean. Who would. It's me.

Anyway, yes I know that isn't the healthiest way to think about things. But remember, I'm not doing that much right now.

I was watching vines and ducks flew past. I completely forgot they could fly. Poor chickens.

The teacher eventually came and we had a nice conversation. He's gonna show me how to juggle next week. I finger swore with every finger on one hand and then a foot promise, then I told him about my plans.

We talked for a while.

His girlfriend isn't okay right now and he isn't getting enough sleep. I hope they feel better soon.

We walked back and had more conversations.

I made him laugh, he made me laugh.

The highlight was him saying he'll use a ridiculous photo of me to get men to date me. How ridiculous, that photo is so silly.

He said something else too "this seems like a cop out" mainly focusing on "cop out" another quote from him that makes me want to prove him wrong. Haha. But as I kept on trying to tell myself over the break. "I don't need to prove anything."

He offered a hug and I felt nice. I said bye and he went on his away. I sat down at the place I usually sit and write down this:

(Insert teacher name) came to sit with me at (insert place name) today, it was nice. It felt like someone was there.

We had a nice chat, I sounded happy, it was nice. I talked to him about all that I'm feeling. We had some nice conversations, I made him laugh. Sad as it is, that he can't be someone who can stick around.

He checked his phone a few times, I understand. But I mean yeah. We gotta die tee-hee.

I don't want hope right now. But it'll be nice to feel happy instead of meh when I get home.

Anyway.

I went home and realised. Fuck?! Were supposed to be at D&D today. Fucking forgot.

I could've gotten a ride off my art teacher. Damn.

Well I walked there. 40 minutes. Usually an uneventful and quite boring trip.

I got there and sat down with the others asked about their weeks and whatnot and we played D&D.

I emailed my art teacher starting a main feelings thread. The assistant teacher got emailed the horror story I was telling them about earlier.

We fought monster ins a dungeon trying to get an Cockatrice egg that was stolen. It was kinda annoying, specifically the friend making annoying noises in the background.

I walked home and split with the friend.

The soft rain and wet concrete smelt and felt food.

I sat at the living room window door, ate food while it was gently raining and watched vines.

Now I need to shower.

That's all from me today. I'm glad it turned out well. I just hope I can come to a decision I'm happy with. It's kinda hard having to feel okay and wanting to die. What do I want? I want to feel loved. But that takes a long time. Time I don't have. Dying is easier. But I'll miss my teacher. I'll miss out on plenty of things. But I won't be alone anymore.

Goodnight sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 6: Not So Kind and Understanding but Still Thinking About It.

Today, I woke up and was super tired. I got up, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and had breakfast.

No response from our lovely (garden manager) Mr. S. I don't feel bad, but it's kinda hard to believe he cares or worries when it doesn't seem he wants to actually reach out in a meaningful way.

I didn't eat an apple today. Yes, I know. Now the doctors are gonna come get me. BUT! What if said doctors... were hunks? Exactly.

No hot doctors were caught today. Sadly. Though I hope you liked the thought I think about from time to time.

I had boiled eggs for breakfast, they sure are yummy. I watched random YouTube videos and kinda got lost for a bit. It's nice when that happens.

I eventually stopped and went back into my room. I opened my laptop and needed to continue doing my presentation for a volunteering opportunity.

Instead, I cleared unused files off my laptop.

I thought about the ways I could push myself to be more happy and outgoing, to use the idea of me dying in a few months to push myself. "I mean, if I'm going to die anyway, then why not?"

Anyway, before I could do more boring work, one of the twins came into my room (The twins are my two younger step-siblings. They're okay.) I forgot they were coming in today.

It was the younger twin of the dynamic duo. He asked me if I wanted to play Splatoon, and I said sure. I bought NSO to play with him. I don't play online as much anymore, it's kinda boring.

I'd like to do more couch co-op. Too bad. If only, if only, I had the magic of friendship.

The older twin joined us after a moment, and we played turf war for a while (Splatoon 3). I tend to do random weapons when we play, it doesn't matter if I don't win, I'd like to move towards having more fun. And that we did, being weird, yelling, dissing, and dying a ton. (Mainly me.)

Characterization Switch-Up! Entertaining Mode Activated!

The older twin left for a bit to do something with his stepdad, so me and the younger twin started playing Roblox. I don't play Roblox as much anymore either, it's gotten kinda dull too.

What did we play today? I saw a video a while ago, and the game they were playing seemed interesting, so we played... Dusty Trail? I think? It was fun. The gameplay starts us in a house. We go around grabbing car parts, food, and weapons, then we set off! It's a zombie game. We travel down a long road, passing animals and buildings, sometimes with zombies in them. It's kinda hard, we died a ton but kept on reviving thanks to ads. Roblox has ads now, not really surprising.

The older twin is back now. He's playing Roblox games with his friends in the background.

We then did a variation of the game where we were out at sea, fighting other sailors and trying to survive and drift along. Another variation (my favorite) was where we were hitchhiking down a long road, with not so kind drivers, random events, and weird things. It was hilarious. I made a joke about offering my ass to any kind driver that would let us hitchhike, and no driver came by for a long time.

Dang... Game don't gotta do me dirty like that.

I then tried doing Agoraphobia with them and their friends. The hunter kept on leaving, and when it was my turn (I hate being the hunter. I get trolled a ton by the twins and their friends, but it's a good feeling to hear the hammer connect and make the satisfying thunk. "Hah, bitch!" is an understatement, and it's kinda too difficult for the hunter. But sure, whatever "skill issue," Hrumph! I say!) When they were about to win, I left the game. Bitch-play by yours truly.

We went back to playing Splatoon 3 for a bit, and then they stopped, and I went back to focusing on what I need to do. I need to write down all the things I need to finish before death.

• Finish the presentation
• Do at least one volunteer day with said presentation
• Finish reading all the self-help books
• Actually write that tutorial I keep on giving up on
• Finish the model, rig it effectively, make a cute animation

I had some more funny conversations with the twins, reminding me of many funny videos I've seen.

I remembered the GRIMACE shake song by CG5. (I've been listenting to the song while writing this.)

I emailed the friend (who probably needs the tutorial) about my plans and if he needed help with anything. I told him I'm gonna "Command \Kill @S" as I wasn't sure if Gmail flags suicidal emails.

Anyway, I had more curry for dinner, along with two Parathas.

It is way past my bedtime. Tragic, I don't have a grouchy boyfriend telling me to get my ass in bed so we can go to sleep together. It would certainly help me get to bed on time, don't ya think? Haha.

Goodnight, sweet friends. I hope you had a nice day.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 7: The Regular Saga Continues!

As I've mentioned many times before, I woke up again.

I didn't dream of anything this time, it's been a few weeks since my last few dreams. The previous two were rather enjoyable.

Dream 1: Me cuddling with the art teacher.

Thoughts: Simple, but easy to understand. Comfort, safety, and closeness in the person I find safety in right now.

Dream 2: I start off walking into the garden when suddenly I get pulled into a dance with one of the other male garden volunteers. He does the dance where he holds me close, makes me twirl, and then lets me drop, but is holding my back so I don't fall to the floor. He leans towards me slowly and gives me a sudden smooch on the cheek, and we break into laughter.

Thoughts: A dream about one of the hunks at the garden, "C," just having more closeness and fun with another human that seems impossible to be close with.

Overall thoughts? Daddy issues fr fr. Jk, haha. I'm just lonely.

Anyway, enough about my most recent dreams. I woke up at around 10 and did my usual morning routine, though I didn't eat breakfast.

I was in my room checking SaSu and playing more Roblox with the younger twin. We played Dusty Trail again and lost early both times. It's simply too hard!

Then we did Hitch a Hike again. We got pretty far, it's rather easy and uneventful, then got boring really far in.

Union regulated break!
I had some mac n' cheese.

I started on my presentation again, made some animations, and adjusted some slides.

I played Splatoon 3 Salmon Run for a bit and did 2 rounds with the younger twin.

I've already gotten 999 on a few stages, beaten 333% MAX HAZARD LEVEL and beaten a triumvirate, so I'd say I'm pretty alright at it.

The twins got into another fight. I don't know what to do when they do this, they seem to do it every time they come over.

I had a whole thing trying to send a Tomodachi Life virtual card to the younger twin. Nintendo is a bitch.

And now I'm writing this down. Woah, we're at the end.

Tomorrow is Monday. Let's see how it goes.

I hope your week has treated you well.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 8: Screaming Social Anxiety

Guess what I did this morning? Guess correctly, and you'll win a prize!

• A: I woke up
• B: I did my regular routine
• C: I checked SaSu
• D: All of the above

'Cause, in the daytime, I'm not named Marinette. Just a normal girl with a normal life. But there's something about me that no one knows yet… I have a secret.

I don't have a prize… Whoopsies.png But! here is a humble word from me: … "Slay."

Anyway, I went to ASDA, picked up some food for my new diet, and grabbed some hair product. I wanted to get some nail polish, but it was expensive, y'all. I'll buy the cool magnetic ones once I'm not a broke girl. Then I headed back home.
Highlights? It was the HOT men/dads, of course.


I had lunch and played ARMS for a while. Helix today was a bit hard to figure out, but I got a good run on Max Br(ass).

I then played some Ring Fit Adventure. It absolutely threw me into a world of pain. I was so exhausted afterward.

I wasn't feeling the queer social, but I decided to go anyway. I had a nice conversation at first, but then it got boring over time, and I eventually went mute. Did I want to be there in the first place? No. But this is how you do things when no magic of friendship. It would help if I didn't pressure myself to talk to other people and just acted more naturally. Though, I would have had a ton of fun acting like the Miis in Tomodachi Life.

"Would you like to have a conversation…"

"About Gay Sex?"

Yes. I said this to someone.

Anyway, enough of that bullshit. Highlights? Why, the HOT men, of course. (There's a pattern brewing here.)

P from gardening messaged me. She's the only one who seems to be checking in on me, so I appreciate that. The message was sent a while ago, so I couldn't meet up with her in time, like she had suggested.

I got home, stared into space. I was thinking about what photos I should use for my dating profile? Memes of me again? Maybe.

I showered, and had dinner.

I've thought about making that montage. I've always wanted to create a cool montage of moments with the people I like, but I never met those people. So, I thought about doing an end credits scene with all the photos I have of gardening and stuff I could take at college. A good finale needs some fabulous credits, right?

The song I'm planning on using: Two of Us

Woah, we're at the end again. Thank you for reading, kind stranger. (Pls send my pigeon back, he is my only bro.)

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 9: Where's Mr. Wolf?

I awoke once again. Was my dream man in my bed? No. I'm starting to think the moon enjoys watching me be tortured.

Anyway, it's been a regular day. I did my usual routine:

• Breakfast
• Read the self-help book
• Check SaSu
• Ring Fit Adventure
• Lunch
• Work on the presentation/projects (due before the end)
• Ring Fit Adventure: Story Mode
• Do whatever
• Dinner
• Update the blog
• Go to bed

Outside of the regular blur:

I messaged S (the Garden Manager) yesterday, asking if I could get the photos I need. He said no, I'm not allowed at the garden, but he'll take the photos for me. Slay, Ig. I just need to give him a reference and explain exactly what I want.
I'm super duper sore after RFA today. I'll take a break tomorrow and just do some walking instead. Dragaux is… an enjoyable sight. Muscles sure are HOT
(I can't find the "give anything boobs or muscles and it'll instantly be attractive" meme, I think it was an object head one?) Since I couldn't find that, here's a Smosh one that is similarly hot:

‎‎‎‎‎‎ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

Ian is hot too.ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

God, I've been dealing with my legs attempting to get their revenge. I keep readjusting to prevent the cramps. GRRR.

Anyway, I haven't really shared what goes on in my mind often. Imagining the future, how cool my ending is going to be. Where I want to be buried? (hopefully the garden.) Thinking of planning a hangout with the garden crew. Thinking of all the different things I could possibly do before the end comes, the fun I could have, the dumb bitch I could be, maybe even love.

Damn, I'm tired.

But if not, then it will just be me at the end. Maybe the hot art teacher could join for a moment? But I'm thinking not, haha. Hopefully, I can make some nice friends before then. We can go to the anime con and the beach, and then... no need to die. But if not? Then hot art teacher, possibly.

I found a new song I like. It's pretty nice. It makes me want to dance with someone and pretend to be an enticing, hot woman, and the man who is similarly playing along. C from the garden would be a good fit, I've made up some lore that he's a werewolf, and since we haven't deconfirmed the rumors, he might be. (Oh. And he's hot.)

But the hot teacher is easily Mr. Wolf too.

I just want that fun back and forth between the wolf and the prey, where the perspective of who is actually the prey flips back and forth. It sounds fun. Like Summer Boy by Lady Gaga or Mr. Wonderful from Dark Deception. (C would make for a good Mr. Wonderful. I've told him this. The song gives femme fatale spy vibes.)

Actually, the Summer Boy lyrics fit my ending perfectly if you look at them differently:

"Don't be sad when the sun goes down. You'll wake up and I'm not around. I've got to go, oh-oh... We'll still have the summer after all."

Get it? I'll be gone. But at least you have the summer. (Ain't I so courteous?)

The new song is relatable, too, but it's pretty one sided since the hot art teacher doesn't feel the same. Here is how the lyrics feel for me:

Me and Mr. Wolf

Lyric	My Thoughts
[HE] Hey little girl, you look so nice in that pretty red dress with those pretty black eyes!
[SHE] Hello Mr. Wolf, well what a surprise to find you here so deep in the night!	When I see him for our talks... (it's daytime, though I do go there late at night to cry sometimes).
[HE] My dear little thing, what's the rush? How about supper - just the two of us?	Stalling before the end? Or hopefully having one final happy day.
[SHE] Oh Mr. Wolf, you want me to stay? But I fear we'll regret it one day...	The sadness that he can't be my friend or someone close. Maybe he'll stick around for the end, but I won't hold my breath.
[BOTH] I have the thing you love, but the need in you is way too much.	Yeah, I wish you could stick around longer. Be more. But I respect that you have your own life. It still hurts.
[BOTH] If I open wide, one of us may get lost inside. Me or you? One of us is going to... need to... DIE.	I'm endlessly lost in my thoughts. He knows my plans. It's obvious who is going to die. If he got lost inside, would he still leave me to it?
[HE] My dear little girl - just a bite, and you will be consumed with delight!	I wish.
[SHE] Oh Mr. Wolf, my hunger's real, but they say there's more to love than a meal...	I hope to meet someone. I know the teacher isn't the "end all, be all." Even if he were single, I wouldn't push. I'll meet someone.
[HE] They're old and uptight - what do they know? I'm all appetite - you'll help me grow!	I'm glad you offered to be someone I can talk to about anything. I wish I could help you out too.
[SHE] Oh my love, I want you too, but my desire may prove your doom.	Maybe. I try to hold it in. Not in an evil way. I'd never hurt anyone, but maybe my death? Though I don't think I'm significant to anyone.
[BOTH] One of us is going to... need to... DIE.
[SHE] If I taste you, will we know if love kills or makes you whole? Tears you open, takes you home?	Maybe soon, if no one comes to help. I'll find a home in my end.
[BOTH] You have the thing I love, but the fear in me is way too much.	I can ask, that's all. If he wants to join me for a short time. If he can't, I have to respect that.

I guess that's all from me today.

One thing I haven't mentioned is that I listen to Snarled Every night going to bed, specifically a playlist of Sapphire's videos. I start with "Something Scary" and it plays until I wake up again.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 10: I'm Back Around Again.

I woke up... Again?! Jk. That isn't much of a surprise, is it? The season finale is still months away.

I snoozed for 20 minutes before getting up. I got up eventually and had breakfast, drank plenty of water, did my hair (I looked rather handsome), checked SaSu, made a thread about the anime I've seen, and then I made my way to college.

I was listening to Me and Mr. Wolf on the way there, obviously.

I got there and sat outside for a bit, then I went in and helped the receptionist spray some nice smell into the room and then I went to my class.

I checked my Cookie Clicker and my emails.
A few were from the assistant art teacher and the art teacher. I responded to the assistant art teacher, telling them I already saw that specific horror movie and that I'd like to go with someone from college if we're doing open days.

I went to do some English and Maths with another teacher and that was pretty okay. We talked about random topics while I did my work. We then tried to come up with drag names for people at college.

My Thoughts: I could only think of B.O.B. Baddest Of Bitches.

My Persona: Idk what my drag name would be, but I'd like to be a Slaylien. My backstory being that I was sent from Area 69 to show the people of Earth a good time. And possibly another drag persona for the beach.

We had a discussion about the song I'm listening to and what she thinks is happening in the song. I forgot what she said, but I think she felt similarly with the theories in the comments.

I went back to class and responded to the art teacher's email. Nothing too significant, just talking about my usual feelings and how to talk to people.

Me and my class walked to grab lunch and on my way... Actually, I was listening to Me and Mr. Wolf all day. Yes, I like looping songs. I usually also have a fan blasting at my face in my class because the air calms me.

So yeah, we were walking to get lunch from the local shop, and on my way I saw a really HOT muscular man who looked like he was from the 80s:

★ Nice mullet
★ Funky sunglasses
★ Short shorts

Damn. I enjoyed the view. Peak hottie, fr fr.

I got a protein yogurt and sucked on it slowly on my way back to college. I grabbed a leaf for the art teacher. This leaf will stick to clothes somehow and I did it this one time as a goof.
But I thought, since he doesn't come along anymore, I'd bring the leaf back with me every time I go grab lunch. He doesn't seem to mind the leaf, but I'll ask if he's okay with the leaf.

Anyway, I sat in class and had the rest of my yogurt and did more of my work, checked SaSu, and played Cookie Clicker.
We were doing a lesson on contraception today, so some very gross searches. As in, I didn't like the colors of the images. Sex is okay, fr fr.
Anyway, I finished my work, which was updating my CV and making a poster for contraceptives (what they are, what they do, and how effective they are), and then I went over to drop the leaf for the art teacher and say hi.

We talked for a bit. He was sick throughout the weekend and didn't get sufficient sleep, he did work on the patio a little. S and C are also similarly sick. Those goobers coming in sick to gardening, Haha, I love them.

I've been thinking about my own songs and wanting to dance to them with someone lately, so I decided to ask the art teacher again if he'd finally picked one for him and his girlfriend. I'd actually asked a while ago, but since she has some ankle issues, they've been waiting for a time when they can finally dance together properly. She's actually getting surgery for it soon, so I figured it was a romantic and hopeful time to bring it up again.

He told me it was "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" because it came on the radio and he called it her theme song. Apparently, that made her blush. It took me a second to realize why it sounded so familiar, but then I remembered the Gloria Gaynor version. A ton of fun on Just Dance 4.

My Wii U is at college right now (I brought it in to play games with the art teacher and the other students), I think I'll bring in a second Wii remote and see if anyone wants to play Just Dance.

If I had to pick a song for me and a special someone, it'd probably be "Fishy Love," "Mr. Wonderful," or "Me and Mr. Wolf."

Anyway, he shared a video and a game he's working on, and I shared that I'm writing a daily life blog and he asked me about the gay mum kissing my cheeks and I explained why it was awkward for me.

NEW MEMBER ALERT!: He joined my "Dumb Bitch Club." So far it's me, a friend, and the art teacher, for people making dumb decisions. This arc of my life is the Dumb Bitch Arc, but also the Love or Death Arc.

He noted that I do seem cheerier. I told him I'm feeling more neutral. Anyway, I gave him my usual affection of stomping his shoes and giving him a spin kick and said bye.

I pissed, girl. And went home. Through the forest, sadly. No Mr. Wolf to be found, tee-hee.
I came home and mum was cooking so I couldn't make lunch, so I played games on my phone for a bit. Eventually, I had some of her rice with yogurt instead.
Then I went to my bathtub and had a foot soak.

I went to make my dinner and it was super yummy. I had spaghetti with tofu and spinach.

Anyway, I did more of my presentation and now I'm writing my blog.

Woah, we're at the end again. Thank you for reading, kind stranger.

I hope you had a lovely day today, see ya tomorrow!

Goodnight, sweet friends.

P.S: Yes, I was listening to "Me and Mr. Wolf" while writing this.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Log Date: 7 5 26

Day 11.

STATUS: Doesn't Matter. I Just Wanna Go Home.

I awoke again. I snoozed for 20 minutes and finally dragged my ass out of bed after those 20 minutes of vaguely dreaming.

Morning Routine (again):

★ Washed face / Breakfast / Hair
★ (Who is this handsome guy in the mirror? )
★ Checked SaSu and headed for college
★ Still listening to Me and Mr. Wolf, obviously

I sat outside of college for a bit and played some games on my phone. One of my classmates came up to me and said hi, which surprised me. I said "Hi" back and we had a small discussion about my nails. I painted them green yesterday but messed up. I made a joke that maybe she mistook me for our fellow classmate that she is friends with. We look nothing alike and she's a girl, haha.

I came in, said hi to the receptionist and sat down with the others, high fived said fellow classmate, and sat down with them. She seemed to have a nice day yesterday, chilling and seeing a friend and sleeping over. Sounds fun. I haven't slept over in forever.



I talked to my teacher a little and saw the art teacher passing by. (He didn't say hello. This will be important for later.) The thing that will be important for later made me smile.

One of my male classmates, C, came in and said hi to me. Eventually the taxis came and-

oh, did I forget to mention? Today is another trip. Isn't that lovely? It was a fun trip. Anyway.

The taxi came and before he went I did our usual greeting code, then he and the two female classmates and one boy went along with him. Me, my teacher, and C were waiting outside when J, another male classmate who is also gay, came around. He was smoking. (As in, he was smoking a cigarette. I'm not interested in twinks.) He didn't realize it was a trip today and he hadn't make it on time. Though the taxi was late, so it didn't matter

I made a joke when me and my teacher passed through a small gap between the fence and a car that the skinny police have been alerted.

The taxi eventually came and we got in. I asked J why he was so interested in Parklife, and he told me, that it's just the atmosphere and he gets to drink a ton. My teacher said it's because people come together as a collective and a band is actually there singing at you. Makes sense. Maybe I'll try it before my end.

We got to the museum and grouped back together. We got our tour guide and set off. We got to the first bit and got to dress up with Victorian era specific clothing. I made sure I looked slay and did a Dress to Impress pose when we took the photo. I was dressed like this the entire time, along with J and the assistant teacher.

We went into a replica of the Victorian streets and it was pretty fun. Lots of cool and interesting things to learn and see, they even had old cars?! The tour guide was nice and pretty informational. Miss Information, she sure was. I made plenty of jokes throughout and got some good laughs. It felt nice, it's always a pleasure to make others laugh.

★ We had a small test of strength with this big hammer looking thing
★ J got in one of the cars.
★ We got to play with old toys.
★ Took a photo with a creepy doll. I looked terrified and was shaking it to make it look haunted, that was with C.
★ Took more photos of me and J hanging around the street light.

There was a fortune-telling machine but I didn't have any money, and it looked like Walter White, so I made another joke about that. J asked me for money and I was like, "Girl, I'm broke." My teacher took plenty of fun photos of the places and us, she gave us a worksheet to fill out, too. My first answer was: "The museum smelled yummy."

I asked the tour guide where the ladies of the night would tend to hang out, and she told me at the pub. So I did another fun joke: I went over to where both teachers who were at the pub and I said, "Hello stranger, would you like to see my ankles for free?" I accidentally said free. Damn. I'm a cheap lady of the night. Anyway, they found it pretty funny.

We finished and looked at the old sweets they had, dropped a post note for the mailbox, and went to look at art. Our teachers tricked us and told us that they had called earlier and asked to paint the assistant teacher into the painting, and I thought they were fr. I was like, "Yeah, obviously he's gonna be easy to spot, he's the only Black man." These paintings were pretty old with a ton of white people and like, one person of color.

We looked at more cool paintings and I took a short break. They even had a small machine that was a replica of our planets spinning around the sun, pretty cool. A painting we all liked was The Famine, it looked pretty cool, crows and wolves with a person holding a dagger in a desolate place.

A painting I liked was this dude looking like he was hungover on a bed and another man looking absolutely gay mortified, and for some reason, a really hidden dude beside him. I kinda made some lore for the painting: The shocked dude and hungover dude fucked last night, and when the shocked dude woke up he was like, "OML, bro I swear I'm not gay" *gay gasp*, and the hidden bro beside him was like, "Bruh, you sure about that?" and the hungover dude is just groaning that his ass hurts.

Anyway, we went around a few other galleries and there was some more cool stuff, like a zoetrope of a creepy bear, a painting of a finger that looked like a penis, some cool papier mache crows, and my favorite painting of a minotaur dude dealing with his existence. I understand his pain.

And then we were done. I dropped off my clothes and made one more joke while passing by J: "I'm done being the hottest bitch of the Victorian century." I had said the same thing earlier but I wasn't sure if anyone heard.

We couldn't get any money for the fortune telling machine, but they had a Fortune Telling Fish pack, so I bought that and I did mine and C's fortunes.
RESULT: I'm passionate apparently (yeah I am I guess)
RESULT: C is in love (it's unrequited sadly)

We took a photo on the stairs to the museum, I was lying on the floor doing the sexy pose.

I tried doing my teacher's but it blew away, so we said we'd do it back at college. The other taxi had come and gotten the assistant teacher, two girls, and the one guy, and they left before us again. We got our taxi a bit later and had another nice conversation. J is planning on visiting the Gay Village with his mum and mum's friend. I hope he has fun, he hasn't been before. I also taught him what a twink and a bear was. He had no clue.

We got back to college and had our lunch. Did my teacher's fortune, she's also in love, and did the assistant teacher's fortune, and he's jealous. The art teacher came around to say something important to the other teachers (DIDN'T SAY HI. Important for later). J looked at tickets for Parklife, others did their work, and I played Cookie Clicker. We also played MHA Uno, which C gave me as he had gotten it from McDonald's when he went to Brazil. He just gave it to me. I won first, and then the assistant art teacher won second.

We looked at the photos and they were pretty funny, to say the least.
The teacher tried asking ChatGPT to make a collage of the images and it was pretty hilarious looking at us become completely different people.

I said bye and went to see the art teacher. I said hi to the assistant art teacher and went over to the art teacher and he was like, "What, no hello for me?" and I recounted how bro gave me no hellos earlier. The assistant art teacher left to do something, so me and him had a nice conversation. He seems to have gotten better sleep the night before, and I asked what might be messing with his sleep and he said "me" as a joke. I was like, "Wow, damn."
He says he mentions me to his girlfriend and that he cares or worries? And I made a joke like, "Damn, you're worrying about me that much that you can't sleep. I'm gonna tell your wife bro did me in the forest." I meant to say talk, hopefully he didn't take that sexually. He says he just mentions me and tells her that I'm not actually not one of his students. He showed me a video of his niece playing in some water fountains. Apparently, this is scary for toddlers. I had no idea.

He seems to be a happy granddad, he even has a funny nickname that merges "Grand" and his name. It's pretty sweet. I made him laugh a few times over something I said. It's nice to make others laugh. He showed me something on his laptop that I forgot, and I eventually gave him the usual affection of a stomp on his shoes and a spin kick. He tried telling me that I mattered and was important and I was like, "I must be hearing things? Did you hear that?" as a joke, and he repeated what he said. I appreciate it. Obviously I'm crushing on him, so it brought me some melancholy.

On my way out, he said something nice again and I was like: "I'm still 50/50 and I still want to die, but would you wanna do the posing tomorrow and take photos for my dating profile?" He said sure and I said bye. I wonder if tomorrow's gonna be fun? Hopefully.

I pissed, girl. Walked through the forest trail listening to Me and Mr. Wolf. No, Mr. Wolf today. Then I realized that "shit, it's Thursday", queer group today, so I went on my way. I arrived the same time another youth worker did and we had a chat about my feelings and the week. He's been playing games and working. We had a discussion about death and the next 5 years, making friends and trying stuff. I remembered the stuff I needed to check out for more socializing and fun/friendship magic. None of the stuff I could do, but possibly some stand up comedy classes?

Anyway, the queer group started and I joined them. I talked to one of the youth workers about being a fellow clown and how we need a license or certificate. I talked to another brown person and it was an "eh" conversation, but they were interesting. I started going inward and couldn't talk anymore, so I kept on going back and forth on trying. Reminding myself that I'll be dead soon and that none of this matters. But I couldn't. I did do the name game but it didn't help. There were plenty of chances of joining in a conversation, like someone talking about Regular Show and We Bare Bears, or another person playing Tomodachi Life and talking about the new Mario Galaxy movie.

I sat in the library and asked a youth worker to order a taxi while crying and choking up words. Then I had to do a whole fucking thing with one of the youth workers saying I needed to call Mum, and I didn't want to but he wouldn't listen, and he just kept saying the wrong things. It was annoying and sad and made me feel worse. Like my choice didn't matter and no one came around to help. I dreamed in my head and hoped that even S (the garden manager) of all people would come to help. But no one came. No one is around to help.

Eventually, he let me go home by myself as long as I emailed him when I got home. And it was a sad walk home. Tired and tired and tired.
No one to hold my hand and comfort me. I got home, I tried emailing but the email didn't work. Hoping I don't have to deal with a welfare check.

Saw that S had another email, probably the email I used when I first contacted him about gardening. He has a really sweet photo of him on his email. He looks very happy. I'm sad he handed me his work email instead of his personal email, but I have this one now. For the end, too.

Showered, shaved, and had dinner. Listening to a melancholic song that sounds very sweet.

That is the end of the blog again. Thank you for reading, kind stranger, I appreciate it.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 12: The Bitch Trials

So. Erm...? I mean, you're probably caught up on my morning routine by now. But I'll repeat it for any new people:

★ I woke up, went back to sleep, and snoozed for 20 minutes. Then I eventually actually woke up.
★ Washed my face, did my hair, had breakfast.
★ Checked SaSu.

That's my typical routine so far.

I watched SourceMaster_'s latest video and it was alright. I don't mind that episode. I like Ruby and Sapphire working things out. I also stuck a bunch of Dungeon Meshi stickers on my laptop, along with the 3DS eShop mascot and a 100% Alien sticker. I thought about giving the alien sticker to the art teacher, but I didn't bother. It didn't seem like he'd like it.

I got ready for college and packed extra clothes in a bag because the art teacher and I were supposed to do a photoshoot today. I went on my way, listening to "Me and Mr. Wolf," obviously.

I got there, sat down for a bit, and then went inside. I said hi to the receptionist, asked how she was doing, and then went to say hi to my main teacher. Then I went to see the art teacher.

He forgot about me again, and that brought me a ton of pain.
So, I kept on melting further and further, writing all my awful feelings into my notes app. I've got a ton of notes now.

I tried printing onto my coat, but it didn't work very well. I tried my other coat, that didn't work either. I gave up and just played on the Wii U for most of the day, Splatoon, Nintendo Land, Mario. I was just bored and couldn't talk to the art teacher.

He told me to put away the paint because it looked like some of it was dripping out. He said it in this mean tone and I didn't like that. I wasn't even the one who did it, it was the assistant art teacher because they were in a rush. That kind of pissed me off. Generally, a lot of what he said pissed me off that day. He didn't even remember. He didn't even bother asking if I was okay or if I wanted to talk about what was on my mind.

I talked to the assistant art teacher a bit, but I was feeling awful. Eventually, it was home time and I left. I sat down near college and checked my emails.

Inbox: (0) New Messages.
Nothing from the art teacher.

I punched myself in the chest, got up, and smashed my bottle. I went on my way to cry in the forest when I realized I could buy a box cutter from the hardware store next to the college. So I did that. I got some tissue, had a piss. I walked by the Art Teacher on my way in, I think he said something, but I'm not sure. It probably would have just pissed me off further, because he didn't seem to care that I was obviously down.

I got the tissue and went into the forest to cut up my arms a shit ton. I tried finding a comfortable spot, maybe the bench where me and the art teacher sat? Nah. So I sat at my usual bench and cut up my upper arms. I was going to try to write something into my arm like "NO ONE CAME", but that was too hard.

It hurt like hell, but I was happy to get some frustration out.

I was sad that no one came to take away the box cutter or kiss my wounds all better. But that's to be expected. No one cares about me in the way I want. I don't feel love and everyone is fake. I wrote an angry email to the teacher and left a photo of the badge he gave me next to my slashed up arms. Fuck him.

(It's a draft, though. I won't send it, because I'm not a bitch. I know that the "healthiest" me understands that people can't read my mind and he can't be that support for me... but goddamn, I am so alone.)

The email:

Friday, 8th of May 2026 Good thing I'm wearing my Shock Shirt today. Aren't I so much fun? The lady watched endlessly. Her face never wavered. At least she bothers with me. At least she listens. At least she remembers... (The badge he gave me is a picture of a lady with a blue bob and sunglasses, she looks nonchalant). I made sure I looked very handsome today, and I came in to nothing. No one was there. Was I ever even there? No. No one took photos of me, because I guess it just wasn't a thing worth remembering. I'm not worth remembering. "You're important," you say. "You matter." Why say that? Just ask someone else to say it. Your words are clearly just a waste of air that have brought me nothing but pain. I sat waiting endlessly for someone, someone to bother asking me if I was okay, or if I wanted to chat. Someone to ask if we should go to the park. Instead, I sit in this park, licking my own wounds. No one is here to take away the tool that brought me solace. That last bit of love is leaving my heart, escaping through the gashes on my arms, the only arms that hold together whatever remains of me. No one to ask. No one to care. No one to kiss the wounds better. Fuck you. I bet you don't even believe that I'm going to do it. I bet you don't even care. You offered your number, but you probably would have just left me all alone again anyway. You don't even bother with me when I'm this low. You don't even ask why. And I did not leave that bottle of paint open. I hate that you have this little faith in me. I hate that you dared to use that tone with me. I hate you. I hate everyone. No one will be there at the end, and no one is here now. You left without even checking. No one came again. H I won't send this email until the end. I'm not sure how the rest is going to go, but I'll take my time. I'll actually do something instead of just saying meaningless words. I'm at D&D now. It's annoying. There's pain in my arms and pain in my chest. Self inflicted, for sure. But no one came. I went home. I'm tired.

I kissed my wounds and cleaned them up. I got up and went to the queer D&D group. It was boring. I went into the bathroom to slash up my chest. I saw my sad eyes staring back through the mirror, I don't deserve this, I wish someone would love me. I left and went home, my ankles and knees hurting the whole way. My arms kept brushing up against things, causing sudden pain, making me hope someone would come and hold my arms gently and kiss them.

I got home and was too depressed to do anything. I removed all my contacts and changed my own contact name to: "No one came to help."
I am 99% sure that death is the best option for me. I'm going to trust the art teacher less and do my own thing for a while.

I hadn't eaten lunch today so I was super hungry, but I was intent on being a weirdo and going to extreme lengths to be a weird mess.

I'm on a bunch of hookups and dating apps now. Sure, I'm still being nice to people, but I am also offering the same services as the Kamamichi girls. That's all. I got some good conversations out of what I'm calling this set of apps: "The Bitch Trials."

Because nothing matters anymore. I'll be alone at my death once again.

Anyway, what a shit day. I hope yours was nice. Thank you for reading, kind stranger.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 13: Again and Again

I woke up... (again, can you believe it???)

★ I snoozed for a while, as it's the weekend.
★ I got up, went into my mum's room, and asked if I could have her headband.
★ I washed my face, and my hair has been in the headband all day.
★ I ate breakfast.

So, I didn't mention this yesterday, so I'll vaguely talk about it now. I did it again. I know. "Why?" You clearly don't like it. Yeah, I don't, but I'm in my dumb bitch arc, ya' know?
So, the whole day I was trying to do that. I did make some plans, but eh, I had a moment of clarity and I realized.. Yeah, not this.
We have a protocol for this: "Make sure your mind is clear before you attempt anything." Anyway, I got rid of the stuff again and now I'm writing my blog.
I'll take the protocol to heart this time.

★ I checked SaSu

I cried for a bit, thinking about how lonely I am, and being honest with myself about how the email was yesterday. I didn't send it to him, I know how toxic that email was, I added a bit more the end, but I still don't plan on sending it to him.

Email addition:

It is Saturday now. I've had time to calm down and I am still sad, but I know that you have a lot on your plate with your wife's surgery and that you have ADHD and autism. I know and I understand. I think I'm just upset that you said I mattered and then I said let's do this tomorrow and we didn't do anything. And then I remembered you saying that you'd help me out with meeting people. But nothing happened with that. And I felt forgotten. I don't hate you or anyone. I hate that I feel so alone. I just don't like having to assume anymore. Idk how next week will go, but I'll have to take small steps again. I'm sorry for putting this on you, I thought I could that but that wasn't very kind or respectful of me. I thought you might be able to help, but I didn't realize you were just trying to be nice. It's okay if you don't wanna do this. I'll hold myself until the end. I wish I could've had you drive me to the beach and had a nice road trip together. I haven't had one before. And I know asking the garden crew is out of the question now. I was just hoping someone would be there... before the end. There's so much pain and anguish. I hate my being so much. Everything is so hard and no one helps in the way I need. I always get things wrong and I never understand and I never. I'll never be home. I'm hoping my substance comes soon. Because then I'll have something to hug. My best friend is home. We'll be together at the beach. The only thing there. Was me and my peace. If it was important then it would be worth asking. If it mattered then it would be memorable. I'm none, nothing and a null. I cried for help, but no one came.

Anyway, since my routine was more fucked because of the vague situation, I did eventually end up doing some Ring Fit Adventure and had a good time.

It was a bit tough hiding my new SH scars, but no one noticed. Hooray!

I've been messaging M from the garden throughout the day about random stuff. It reminded me of some feelings that make me feel bad, mainly never feeling a part of the group. But oh well. I'm not a part of the group anymore anyway.

I'll say goodnight to M after finishing this blog and go to bed. Tomorrow is Sunday. I need to do my presentation and take funny photos of myself.
That's all from me about today. It sure was annoying today. Thank you for reading, kind stranger. I hope your day was nice.

Goodnight, sweet friends.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Day 14: Tired

I woke up again and followed my regular routine:

★ I snoozed for a while, as it's the weekend.
★ I washed my face and did my hair.
★ I ate breakfast.
★ I checked SaSu.

I spent most of the day taking photos of myself in fun poses, turning them into memes or images for my dating profile. Online dating depresses me. Seeing all these different people makes me feel alien and alone. It's truly sad, but it reminds me that I should kill myself, so... hooray!

Anyway, I finished that and started browsing the internet. I found out that an early build of a game I like had been leaked, and I was on that shit immediately! I saw a ton of cool stuff and I'm super happy right now. That's why this blog is so late, I was engrossed in that shit for an hour or so.

That is why I am tired today.

EZ blog today.

Thank you for reading.

Goodnight, sweet friends.