witchcraft
it's too painful to live but I'm too afraid to die
- Nov 27, 2024
- 188
It could be anything.
Like something more serious, sharing how one is feeling depressed or suicidal, etc.
Could also be something as simple as sharing music that you like.
This happens to me all the time. I put way more effort into at least... entertaining?... the things that someone else likes when they share them with me. I'm in a Discord with a few online friends and I just don't know why I bother sharing anything in there. It's exhausting.
I'm at the point where I don't want to talk about anything that I enjoy. In high school and in university I studied journalism. I've done journalism. I've done countless interviews and stories about other people. It's second nature for me to ask questions, even when it's not something I'm particularly all that interested in. With friends it's a bit easier because even if I don't care about the thing (whatever it is), I do care that they like the thing.
But lately I've stopped feeling this way. Instead I'm just sort of... bitter, I guess.
Might not seem like such a big deal on the surface but I have never felt more lonely. It's not that I expect some 50/50 balance, as if I'm keeping score or something. It's just obviously not even close, the degree of effort and the lack of reciprocation.
At this point I'm just never going to talk to anyone about anything that I like. I'm not going to get suckered into long conversations about what they enjoy, so that they can never ask about what I enjoy, or only ask so that they can use it to immediately segue back into whatever it is that they enjoy. I make a genuine effort to circle back to things that they enjoy, or to see if I can find connections from something that I enjoy to something that they enjoy, but fuck it. I'm not having these conversations with anyone anymore. I don't need to. I'll enjoy my music and maybe leave a comment on the YouTube video or find some really small, niche dedicated community for a specific artist or whatever. That's the only way to talk about anything I enjoy that doesn't feel like an exhausting waste of fucking time.
I swear the next time I have one of these one-way conversations, I'm metaphorically turning my car around, driving down the wrong way and getting in a head-on collision with the next car at 90mph. I can't deal with it anymore. It's such a waste of fucking time and energy, and just makes me feel incredibly lonely and trapped.
Like something more serious, sharing how one is feeling depressed or suicidal, etc.
Could also be something as simple as sharing music that you like.
This happens to me all the time. I put way more effort into at least... entertaining?... the things that someone else likes when they share them with me. I'm in a Discord with a few online friends and I just don't know why I bother sharing anything in there. It's exhausting.
I'm at the point where I don't want to talk about anything that I enjoy. In high school and in university I studied journalism. I've done journalism. I've done countless interviews and stories about other people. It's second nature for me to ask questions, even when it's not something I'm particularly all that interested in. With friends it's a bit easier because even if I don't care about the thing (whatever it is), I do care that they like the thing.
But lately I've stopped feeling this way. Instead I'm just sort of... bitter, I guess.
Might not seem like such a big deal on the surface but I have never felt more lonely. It's not that I expect some 50/50 balance, as if I'm keeping score or something. It's just obviously not even close, the degree of effort and the lack of reciprocation.
At this point I'm just never going to talk to anyone about anything that I like. I'm not going to get suckered into long conversations about what they enjoy, so that they can never ask about what I enjoy, or only ask so that they can use it to immediately segue back into whatever it is that they enjoy. I make a genuine effort to circle back to things that they enjoy, or to see if I can find connections from something that I enjoy to something that they enjoy, but fuck it. I'm not having these conversations with anyone anymore. I don't need to. I'll enjoy my music and maybe leave a comment on the YouTube video or find some really small, niche dedicated community for a specific artist or whatever. That's the only way to talk about anything I enjoy that doesn't feel like an exhausting waste of fucking time.
I swear the next time I have one of these one-way conversations, I'm metaphorically turning my car around, driving down the wrong way and getting in a head-on collision with the next car at 90mph. I can't deal with it anymore. It's such a waste of fucking time and energy, and just makes me feel incredibly lonely and trapped.
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