Venting ctb plans ruined

[suistore]

I've already started preparing to go, had everything planned out perfectly to do it on 4/27.

I was supposed to meet with the boy I love in two days, and was going to do it when I got home from seeing him. I woke up this morning to him saying he can't see me that day and probably can't come for a while (he lives hours away, so he has to plan around the trip, etc).

I'm just devastated. I don't want to ctb without seeing him one last time, but I've been operating under the assumption that I'd be dead in days. I've gotten so much stuff done in preparation, now I might have to wait weeks or months.

I really want to see him one last time, but I can't stand being alive anymore. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to wait any longer. I've been waiting my whole damn life, I'm so sick of it. I just want to go already. This is torture.

Sigh

 

[NihilDoll]

Reading that not even love is able to give you a reason to stay is... harrowing
I'm admittedly a little at a loss of words, i just sincerely wish you all the best, whatever that may mean to you

 

[suistore]

Reading that not even love is able to give you a reason to stay is... harrowing
I'm admittedly a little at a loss of words, i just sincerely wish you all the best, whatever that may mean to you

Tbf this boy doesn't love me back, if he did I probably wouldn't want to go as much as I do.

Thank you.

 

[NihilDoll]

Tbf this boy doesn't love me back, if he did I probably wouldn't want to go as much as I do.

Thank you.

Oh gosh... i don't know if that makes it better or worse >.<
I'm so sorry you have to go though all of this...

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

If this is mostly about him, then I'd cancel the plans forever. Boys are stupid (as they will well readily admit), and they are nothing to CTB over. If you love yourself, life will start to reflect that back to you, and you'll have plenty of opportunities to love and be loved in the future .

 

[suistore]

If this is mostly about him, then I'd cancel the plans forever. Boys are stupid (as they will well readily admit), and they are nothing to CTB over. If you love yourself, life will start to reflect that back to you, and you'll have plenty of opportunities to love and be loved in the future .

Thanks for your reply.

I should probably have been more detailed in my post. The boy not loving me isn't the reason I want to CTB, I've wanted to do it since I was a child. If anything, he is what's preventing me from doing it right now. The fact that he doesn't feel the same about me definitely makes me feel worse, but I knew I was going to attempt sometime soon prior to meeting him.
Unfortunately, I do not love nor respect myself haha. That's why I'm allowing something as dumb as a boy keep me from continuing on with my plan.