CTB Note Complete

[NodusTollens]

I don't want to share the whole thing, but here is a portion of it. I was greatly surprised that when it came down to it, I couldn't be angry with anyone.

—/—/—/—​

I'm sorry.

I know these words won't take away the pain you're feeling, but I want to try & explain- to give an understanding of why I did what I did.

It would be easy to be angry or hurtful with these last words, but I just want the cycle of pain to end.

I'm tired of waking up everyday. Tired of never knowing. Never knowing if I'll be able to walk or move without pain... if I could take care of myself. I wonder whether I'll have the "pleasure" of being attacked by my nervous system- if I'll be able to stand long enough to shower. Whether my mental health will steal what little energy I have left- if I can get out of bed.

Depression stole my will to live, anxiety made me fearful of how a person like me could forge a path in this life- in spite of myself... I wonder if I ever stood a chance. I mean, something as all encompassing as a personality disorder leaves life to exist beneath a layer of hopelessness. I can't run from myself & there is no "cure." Traumatic memories where I'm plagued by sudden intrusive flashbacks that steal me away from the present moment, making it hard to function, causing dissociation & panic attacks when I'm reminded by some of the worst experiences of my life.

—/—/—​

The second half is more personal, so I'm not going to share that portion.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

How will you choose to deliver the note ? Is it physical note or by delayed e delivery

 

[Deleted member 22624]

Well done for letting go of the anger, and stopping the cycle as you say. ugh I'm sorry but I just have to say it, I hope you don't do it. But I understand and I'm sorry <3

 

[NodusTollens]

How will you choose to deliver the note ? Is it physical note or by delayed e delivery

Email for sure, it's the easiest way to reach the people I need to. This one though, I wrote this by hand- dunno if I want to digitize it.

Well done for letting go of the anger, and stopping the cycle as you say. ugh I'm sorry but I just have to say it, I hope you don't do it. But I understand and I'm sorry <3

Thank you. HUGS. I really appreciate that.

I realized a couple weeks ago that I was lashing out at literally everything/everyone because I was so angry about everything that's happened to me. Knowing that I wanted to CTB, I tried to let anger go as best as I could bc I just can't do it anymore- it's all too much really. It's not fair to everyone else, & I don't recognize this person I've become.