CTB despite being happy

[Aphid]

It sounds so stupid. I'm in an extremely good point in life. I'm happy, I'm with people i enjoy, i just,
I deserve to die, it's constantly what plagues me. I never stop thinking about it. I don't think there's been a day where I haven't thought of killing myself in over 7 years.
it just seems like the best option, to get rid of someone like me from the earth. im not needed, not useful, just a blight. I cause damage and pain and I just, im ready for it to stop.

 

[inara_9]

Same...you couldn't have said it better. I totally resonate with you. Then I start feeling bad about myself, telling myself I'm just an attention seeker (even though I don't even want attention), that I'm an ungrateful person and should be ashamed. I just feel kind of tired of everything, even though my life is going well. I hate depression...once those thoughts about ctb show up, they never fully go away, even in the happiest moments. I end up calling myself pathetic for not enjoying life, but at the same time I know it's all rooted in my childhood traumas...I wish us all healing

 

[Aphid]

I understand. I hope you understand you're not an attention seeker for these thoughts. It's what society wants you to feel. They want to punish you for thinking these things so they say things like that. Because they don't want to deal with us. They don't want to be uncomfortable with us.

 

[inara_9]

I understand. I hope you understand you're not an attention seeker for these thoughts. It's what society wants you to feel. They want to punish you for thinking these things so they say things like that. Because they don't want to deal with us. They don't want to be uncomfortable with us.

I didn't think of it that way...thanks for the nice words

 

[tannhausers]

Same...you couldn't have said it better. I totally resonate with you. Then I start feeling bad about myself, telling myself I'm just an attention seeker (even though I don't even want attention), that I'm an ungrateful person and should be ashamed. I just feel kind of tired of everything, even though my life is going well. I hate depression...once those thoughts about ctb show up, they never fully go away, even in the happiest moments. I end up calling myself pathetic for not enjoying life, but at the same time I know it's all rooted in my childhood traumas...I wish us all healing

i feel exactly the same, im shaming myself thinking that my ctb thoughts and depression is fake and im just seeking for attention

but it seems normal for thinking like that, it calms me a little

 

[PainWorseThanDeath]

It sounds so stupid. I'm in an extremely good point in life. I'm happy, I'm with people i enjoy, i just,
I deserve to die, it's constantly what plagues me. I never stop thinking about it. I don't think there's been a day where I haven't thought of killing myself in over 7 years.
it just seems like the best option, to get rid of someone like me from the earth. im not needed, not useful, just a blight. I cause damage and pain and I just, im ready for it to stop.

Why do you think that you deserve to die, though? What have you done, to deserve the death penalty? I understand when child molesters and rapists feel this way. I mean they do deserve to die.

But what do you feel that you've done that warrants this?

Side note: I once tried to ctb because it was all downhill from where I was at. My life was better than it had ever been, at that moment. The reason I tried to ctb, and that moment, was because I simply did not see it getting any better.

I was wrong I've had many greater experiences, happier moments over the years, some recently... also many terrible terrible experiences for which I attempted to ctb afterwards.. but.. I was wrong when I thought that that was as good as life was going to get.

I'm glad I stuck around, even if I'm about to have to ctb, even though I don't want to.

 

[inara_9]

i feel exactly the same, im shaming myself thinking that my ctb thoughts and depression is fake and im just seeking for attention

but it seems normal for thinking like that, it calms me a little

Omg, I get it so much. I really relate to you. I keep thinking my depression is fake too, even though I literally have chronic depression. I've had so much shit happen in my childhood, my therapist straight up diagnosed me and still I'm like nah, I'm just lazy, I'm making this up.
In my head I'm just a drama queen. Like I'm doing all this on purpose to put myself in a victim role to feel special or more sensitive or whatever, like I need a reason to feel hurt. And then I just feel worse about myself which makes my depression worse again.

I really don't understand why our own minds can be so harsh to us when it's literally obvious that we're really depressed like the fact that we got to the point where we don't want to exist anymore proves the depression...and still I'm like "nah, you're faking it." I can't even convince myself it's real. I don't know why...but know that you're not alone, hopefully we'll heal soon

 

[bl33ding_heart]

What makes you feel like that?

 

[Aphid]

Why do you think that you deserve to die, though? What have you done, to deserve the death penalty? I understand when child molesters and rapists feel this way. I mean they do deserve to die.

But what do you feel that you've done that warrants this?

Side note: I once tried to ctb because it was all downhill from where I was at. My life was better than it had ever been, at that moment. The reason I tried to ctb, and that moment, was because I simply did not see it getting any better.

I was wrong I've had many greater experiences, happier moments over the years, some recently... also many terrible terrible experiences for which I attempted to ctb afterwards.. but.. I was wrong when I thought that that was as good as life was going to get.

I'm glad I stuck around, even if I'm about to have to ctb, even though I don't want to.

It's because of the harm I've caused. Sexual trauma when I was a child, subsequent abuse I caused due to the trauma later in my childhood and generally just, feeling the need to end my life despite making changes in my life. Despite everything I've changed, the things I've done still haunt me and follow me around. Every night, every day, in every quiet moment.

I know it's, not understandable to a lot of people. About why not forgive yourself, why not let go. I can't. And I don't want to. These mistakes define me despite the positive motions and actions I've done. The things that follow me, and the actions I took when I was younger will always stay with me. Haunting never stops. There is no "letting go".

Omg, I get it so much. I really relate to you. I keep thinking my depression is fake too, even though I literally have chronic depression. I've had so much shit happen in my childhood, my therapist straight up diagnosed me and still I'm like nah, I'm just lazy, I'm making this up.
In my head I'm just a drama queen. Like I'm doing all this on purpose to put myself in a victim role to feel special or more sensitive or whatever, like I need a reason to feel hurt. And then I just feel worse about myself which makes my depression worse again.

I really don't understand why our own minds can be so harsh to us when it's literally obvious that we're really depressed like the fact that we got to the point where we don't want to exist anymore proves the depression...and still I'm like "nah, you're faking it." I can't even convince myself it's real. I don't know why...but know that you're not alone, hopefully we'll heal soon

You're not a drama queen, you're not horrible or bad at all, you're deserving of love and care. Those things that happened are real and will affect you. It's up to you if you'd like to move on or not <3,
Maybe this is all needless but it helps to speak on it, I do deserve to die. I see it in media everywhere, online, social media, cases like my own, it's just. Everything points to do it. Even though im well, it's a moral obligation. It doesn't matter if i am forgiven or not.

 

[areagarden]

Exact same place. What's the point of things "getting better" if I'll still want to die. No way to get around that one. Life couldn't be better and I couldn't want to be alive less.

 

[jamiey1]

It sounds so stupid. I'm in an extremely good point in life. I'm happy, I'm with people i enjoy, i just,
I deserve to die, it's constantly what plagues me. I never stop thinking about it. I don't think there's been a day where I haven't thought of killing myself in over 7 years.
it just seems like the best option, to get rid of someone like me from the earth. im not needed, not useful, just a blight. I cause damage and pain and I just, im ready for it to stop.

I really resonate with this. On paper, so many things in my life are great and I should feel happy. But it's never that straightforward. Thanks for putting it into words.

And no, you're not an attention seeker for feeling how you feel. Not even remotely.

 

[LastDayOnEarth]

I wouldn't do it if I were you, but I understand the feeling. I would tell you to wait it out and see if these good times last for at least the rest of your youth

 

[inara_9]

It's because of the harm I've caused. Sexual trauma when I was a child, subsequent abuse I caused due to the trauma later in my childhood and generally just, feeling the need to end my life despite making changes in my life. Despite everything I've changed, the things I've done still haunt me and follow me around. Every night, every day, in every quiet moment.

I know it's, not understandable to a lot of people. About why not forgive yourself, why not let go. I can't. And I don't want to. These mistakes define me despite the positive motions and actions I've done. The things that follow me, and the actions I took when I was younger will always stay with me. Haunting never stops. There is no "letting go".

I think your mind is being really harsh on you.

From what you described, a lot of this happened when you were still a kid too while you were dealing with trauma yourself. That doesn't make the harm okay, but it does matter when it comes to understanding responsibility.

Kids who are traumatized don't have the same clarity, control, or stability as adults. I'm not saying that to downplay what happened, just to put it in the right context.

And you say that you've actually changed since then. That really matters (even if it doesn't feel like it counts in your head rn)

I get that you're in a lot of pain and this has been going on for a long time, but I really don't think the answer is that you should erase yourself over it.
Seeing stuff online or in media doesn't mean there's a "moral obligation" for you to die (those situations usually have completely different backgrounds and contexts, so they don't apply to you in the same way)

You're not a drama queen, you're not horrible or bad at all, you're deserving of love and care. Those things that happened are real and will affect you. It's up to you if you'd like to move on or not <3,

Thanks for your kind words. I really appreciate it