CTB by 2029

[lpdsvm]

CTB by 2029 or not. It makes me feel unwell. This feeling is haunting me. I kinda accept my fate, but I feel helpless that I cannot fix my problems. Knowing that it could be pointless and useless to hang in there to see what happens in 2029, I sometimes think why not just now? Just drink that SN or whatever, and in 15 min, it's all over. All issues, all that 'power and negotiation' crap - it's nothing compared to CTBing.
I'm sick of waiting that long knowing it could be over very soon. I feel like I am holding the best leverage and yet cannot use it because I think it might be OK and life will let it slide.

I want to get used to the fact that I am OK with CTBing any time for any (unexpected) reason, but when something happens or I feel this is close I kinda forget about it.

I don't want to have any high hopes. I want to shut it all down and follow my plan.
I want to end it sooner because I know there is no hope anymore, but I also want to wait until the end and see......

I had that moment just now - wanted to stand up and end it, but I didn't because I know I can do it any time as long as it is not as bad yet. Tomorrow - I don't want to think about tomorrow unless it's about my methods.

 

[lpdsvm]

I don't know what is going on. I'm crying for maybe half an hour. It almost never happens to me. So weird. I probably realize how everything was/is so pathetic and sad. I wanna CTB now ....

 

[lpdsvm]

Now I am ok with that I can wait. I accept that fact as well. It was easier than I thought.

 

[lpdsvm]

I pulled myself together and accepted the fact that I will have to CTB in 2029 or later when other things screw my already pathetic life.

When the russian consulate refuses to issue a new passport so I can live abroad, I will plan to CTB before late 2029. I know that the country I'm in will put me in jail after my documents get expired and nothing will save me. I don't want to be deported. I'll never come back. I'm still alive by a miracle (should have CTBed a long time ago around 2021) because no country will accept 'this'... . and living there is not an option, not gonna live with them there.

I don't like that I'm legally related to this 'country'. I must be psychologically ready so I don't have to panic much, and honestly, I'm boring, and it's all boring anyway.

I don't want to blame anyone. I just want to end anything that can make my life total hell.

 

[lpdsvm]

Some people said to me - it's a bad idea to stay illegally "abroad". I will be deported anyway.
But who said I will still be alive - I thought to myself. Ahahahaha
I said nothing.
Good day today. Getting used to that fact. I will even be a bit disappointed if I somehow manage it.

 

[lpdsvm]

I got one of the things that I feared would happen. It shows that I'm closer to CTBing before 2029, but by then who knows maybe I will do it in a few months if things go much worse. So everything is according to plan. The best thing is to never chicken out and follow the path.

 

[lpdsvm]

I can't fix my issues without money. If I don't CTB soon I might be deported and used as meat fodder, but before that I might be humiliated and possibly tortured just because they can, just for fun.


Whatever I do or options I have - it all leads to a complete failure.


Moreover, it's boring and no there's no future for me. I often ask myself why not do now.



Overall, SI won't stop me. I can't afford to think about it. When it's time, I have to do it if it's clear before it gets irreversibly worse.




I don't care about money. I am not greedy. I don't need anything. But without it my time is limited so I will just CTB then.



Things unfold slowly and it's not clear yet. I need more time to really evaluate how bad the situation is.