Venting coping with the guilt of knowing you're going to ctb

[fangface]

i've made peace with my decision and although i don't have a date picked out yet, i know i'll ctb sometime soon, but i can't shake the overwhelming guilt that comes with it. i have a few people in my life that i love dearly and i don't know how to even begin to say goodbye. they don't want this for me and i don't want to hurt them if i can help it, but i know that's unrealistic. in some fucked up way i wish they knew there was no way for them to stop me, so i could at least be honest with them before i go.

i want them to know that they'll be okay without me. hell, they'll likely be better off. but there's no way to tell them that without raising concern, and i don't want to be saved anymore. i just want to let go.

 

[prince345]

i've made peace with my decision and although i don't have a date picked out yet, i know i'll ctb sometime soon, but i can't shake the overwhelming guilt that comes with it. i have a few people in my life that i love dearly and i don't know how to even begin to say goodbye. they don't want this for me and i don't want to hurt them if i can help it, but i know that's unrealistic. in some fucked up way i wish they knew there was no way for them to stop me, so i could at least be honest with them before i go.

i want them to know that they'll be okay without me. hell, they'll likely be better off. but there's no way to tell them that without raising concern, and i don't want to be saved anymore. i just want to let go.

I know exactly how you feel, and I'm sorry. I'm super worried about how my family will take my death, especially my mom. She tells me that if I pass away, she'd go crazy, she'd have to be put in a psych ward for a long time. I just can't handle the idea or concept of living for other people. I also wish I could tell them ahead of time but that definitely wouldn't end well.

 

[toseeyousmile]

I know exactly how you feel, and I'm sorry. I'm super worried about how my family will take my death, especially my mom. She tells me that if I pass away, she'd go crazy, she'd have to be put in a psych ward for a long time. I just can't handle the idea or concept of living for other people. I also wish I could tell them ahead of time but that definitely wouldn't end well.

Same. My mom had a stroke a couple of months ago and when I visited her everyday her love for me is so clear. Hell even when I went to visit my uncle to help him out with his restaurant for 3 weeks, she was crying saying she missed me within like 3 hours after having seen me off like she can't stand to be without me. She's one of my biggest if not my biggest reason and struggle on ctbing because a million different bad things could happen, not even including the fact that she's dependent on me for emotional and just general support, the fear of her getting another stroke or breaking her mental is a guilt im carrying with my thoughts.

 

[AloneInCollege]

I can relate so much to this.

 

[houseofleaves]

i don't know how to even begin to say goodbye. they don't want this for me and i don't want to hurt them if i can help it, but i know that's unrealistic.

yes. this.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do wish that we lived in a world where suicide is not so stigmatised and our right to die is respected, and we could be open about our plans to leave this world. I do think that it would make it more bearable for those left behind grieving if they knew in advance what is about to happen.

It does sound like a painful situation to be in and I understand being desperate to leave this world. I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. I can imagine that it must be a relief being at peace with your decision, but I know that it is difficult when you have people you are leaving behind. I wish you relief from suffering.