coming to terms with death

[cantthinkofusername]

i plan to ctb this coming thursday. but i still can't accept the idea of dying, of all of this being over. have i lived enough and learned enough and loved enough that it's okay to say goodbye? im just so so tired off this life, and this pain, and i don't want to live anymore. but im scared. it hurts and i don't want it to hurt anymore. but do i want my mom to knock down my door and find a corpse and never feel okay again? i don't know. how do I make it all make sense. if the end of my life's search for meaning is just the same oblivion everyone else goes to then what's the point? was there any meaning in this at all? if life was meant to be this way then why was i born at all. i don't want to live. i don't want to be happy. i don't want to be free. i want to be more than what i am but i never will be. im a failure. im poison. and im going to die next week. and i want to feel okay but im not. my life is over. ive ruined it and everything around me. im poison. and there's nothing i can do to make any of it okay. nothing will ever be okay. and soon ill be dead. and nothing will change.

 

[ghost_storys]

I understand the worry of your loved ones finding your body. It's like, you want to do it at home where you feel safe and in control, but that forces the people who live with you to be the ones to see it, and you don't want to torture them with that. I'm sorry. I don't have an answer, just empathizing. I hope things go as you need them to.
Out of curiosity, may I ask why Thursday specifically? You don't have to answer. I just wondered if there was some significance.

 

[cantthinkofusername]

I understand the worry of your loved ones finding your body. It's like, you want to do it at home where you feel safe and in control, but that forces the people who live with you to be the ones to see it, and you don't want to torture them with that. I'm sorry. I don't have an answer, just empathizing. I hope things go as you need them to.
Out of curiosity, may I ask why Thursday specifically? You don't have to answer. I just wondered if there was some significance.

that's just when the potassium nitrite is supposed to arrive. also, i don't have an antiemetic and i have a bad record on following through with attempts so thursday is convenient because if it fails and i end up in the hospital, i can probably still make graduation and a school trip im supposed to go on.