Venting Coming back to this forum

[Toriinbed]

It's been about a year since I've come back to this forum and for a time I thought I was okay without this forum. I ended up going to a university, got a boyfriend, and overall thought that since my life was progressing the way I wanted it to be then there shouldn't be a reason for me to want to ctb. At the end of the day there's still that desire to ctb. The future doesn't look to bright and its getting more difficult to live and sustain myself nowadays. I see myself as a shell that changes colors to what my family and everyone else wants me to be. I'm reliable to my friends and I overall seem well-rounded and ambitious but it feels more like I'm preparing for the day I finally get into a freak accident and instead of everyone blaming themselves for not helping me it would be just a tragic accident that's easier to move on from. I don't feel like there's an outlet out there to talk about these feelings without someone trying to therapy talk me or try to encourage me to think more positively. I don't want to go to my significant other because I have no desire to scare them or to bring something negative in our relationship that has nothing to do with him. This is why I go back to this forum. It's the only place where I could express these emotions and receive feedback from people who also feel something that I thought I was alone in for such a long time. If there's anyone out there with a discord server with other people who want to ctb or even some people who want to just chat to have a venting friend then please feel free to send a pm.

 

[Linda]

Welcome back. This forum is here to be used if and when you need it. I took 2 years out at one point (though for different reasons than yours).
If you don't feel under strong pressure to ctb right now, then it's probably best to carry on with your life and see how it goes. I have been unenthusiastic about life - I think that's the best way to put it - since I was about 16, but that hasn't meant that I have been under pressure all the time to ctb. Mostly I haven't been. Most of the time there have been more good things than bad things happening in my life (even though 95% of my life, as for most people, has been mundane, meaningless, trivial routine), so I concluded that since I am here I might as well stay. That will change if my husband dies before me, and I will ctb then, but that's not a matter for today.
Without knowing more about your situation, it's difficult for me to comment constructively. Feel free to PM me if you think it might be helpful.