cliché remedies don't help anymore

[annoyed]

the ordinary response when something affects my life is drink water, exercise, get outside, therapy. i feel like i've done all of these things and my brain hates me still. i search reddit for people like me but the responses feel so invalidating so i end up feeling stupid for even feeling the reason i searched for answers. and then its a known fact that depression skews reality for the individual so i feel like anything i feel doesn't really matter, it's just my depression. i dont know how to express anything i feel anymore because it feels like my brain is blocking out what feels redundant to talk about by what societal standards deem oversharing. i have a hard time opening up because of trauma and it's affecting my adult life and makes it nearly impossible to ever feel good anymore. when will i have a for sure answer, a get better pill, something to help me get through my life.

i'm tremendously tired of not having the courage to escape already. its driving me insane.

sorry if its hard to read i dont know i just went to town on my keyboard

 

[2percent]

I can definitely relate - sometimes it feels like you've done all this work and exploration of the pain only to arrive at a list of things that don't work, not a list of things that do. However a list of things that don't work is still informative, and can still be framed as progress. It sounds like 1. you know you have trauma 2. have an idea of what that trauma has done for/to you 3. have an idea of what a life you might want to live might look like. These are all good things!

What modalities of therapy have you tried? As someone who's done all the usual stuff myself and also found it mostly ineffective, I have found that looking into alternative methods with great caution and mindful intention to be more effective. In my case, when talk therapy/CBT/parts work wasn't helpful, I personally found self-scheduled psychedelics to be partially effective.

 

[mysideofthemountain]

I also have trauma. That list of things you mentioned doesn't "fix" me…but it does prevent me from getting into an even worse state. Not saying it's the same for you, just trying to distinguish different states of being. There's a state of absolutely-emotionally-dysregulated and I can get there pretty easily without exercise and heathy food and water. Most people without trauma almost never go there so I have found some of them think those things are fixes. They're not, at least not in my opinion.

What have you tried for trauma?

 

[annoyed]

I can definitely relate - sometimes it feels like you've done all this work and exploration of the pain only to arrive at a list of things that don't work, not a list of things that do. However a list of things that don't work is still informative, and can still be framed as progress. It sounds like 1. you know you have trauma 2. have an idea of what that trauma has done for/to you 3. have an idea of what a life you might want to live might look like. These are all good things!

What modalities of therapy have you tried? As someone who's done all the usual stuff myself and also found it mostly ineffective, I have found that looking into alternative methods with great caution and mindful intention to be more effective. In my case, when talk therapy/CBT/parts work wasn't helpful, I personally found self-scheduled psychedelics to be partially effective.

I had a psychiatrist and a therapist but I couldn't keep up with the appointments, I think they dropped me by now. They closed out my records with them, which is honestly demotivating me to even go back, even if it's virtual I can't even make it to my appointments. I have no care for anything else and honestly I'm just getting comfortable with being miserable now. It's probably fate. I smoke weed a lot now to keep excessive emotions regulated but I always run out of weed. Everyday I get to the end of the day and I'm mentally fucked up but at least when I smoke it relieves the feelings. I never tried psychedelics, I'd like some. I don't know where to source them.

Thank you dearly for the kind remarks and I assume hope for a better future but I am sure there's no more hope for me in this life.

I also have trauma. That list of things you mentioned doesn't "fix" me…but it does prevent me from getting into an even worse state. Not saying it's the same for you, just trying to distinguish different states of being. There's a state of absolutely-emotionally-dysregulated and I can get there pretty easily without exercise and heathy food and water. Most people without trauma almost never go there so I have found some of them think those things are fixes. They're not, at least not in my opinion.

What have you tried for trauma?

Self harm unironically is the only thing that helped me feel better for the moment. I haven't self harmed in months now and it's really fucking with me. I have nothing else to help cope besides weed. Going on a T break seems impossible now or else I'll just relapse :) ...

 

[2percent]

I never tried psychedelics, I'd like some. I don't know where to source them.

If you live in Canada, they're mostly grey market now. You can mail-order or even visit brick-and-mortar storefronts without consequences.

They closed out my records with them, which is honestly demotivating me to even go back

I've had therapists do that to me. At the time it stung, but looking back I realised that I was presenting as someone very stuck, without the clear intention and drive to change myself at any cost. I probably would have dropped me too TBH. Not saying that this is the case for you, or that they're in the right; just that sometimes what a clinician offers doesn't match what the patient needs. And sometimes with mental health what a patient needs is more time in the soup.

All told you do sound very stuck where you are. I would really encourage you to find another psychiatrist if possible and give antidepressants a shot if you haven't already (you don't mention having done so in your post). But you can start small and work up to that if you want; maybe just try to eat something nice this weekend :)