Chronic singleness

[bubblebunny]

I've been single my whole life and don't have any romantic milestones
(Like first kiss etc). It's quite embarrassing since I'm 21 (yeah I know )


I was wondering if anyone wants to share about their experience of being unloved, I'm curious to hear your stories!

Like does it get more bearable, comparison with friends, coping, family asking etc

 

[Dejected 55]

I identify with you... but I wasn't even depressed about it when I was your age. I still had hope back then. I'm 55 now and still haven't had a relationship with a woman. It's just not going to happen, and I'm going to be miserable the rest of my life.

 

[Steph99]

I've been single my whole life and don't have any romantic milestones
(Like first kiss etc). It's quite embarrassing since I'm 21 (yeah I know )


I was wondering if anyone wants to share about their experience of being unloved, I'm curious to hear your stories!

Like does it get more bearable, comparison with friends, coping, family asking etc

21 is still quite young. Know many late developers (including myself!) so things can and do change!

 

[swankysoup]

I'm 27 and i'm here so yeah it didn't get better

 

[houseofleaves]

I know I will never be loved and/or have a family. I had some experience with dating, but every time I fell in love, people chose to hurt me, sometimes it was their conscious decision, sometimes not, I'm ok with it. I'm almost 30 and at this point I'm kinda over the very idea of love. I don't care much if I meet someone or not. But it's important to note that I'm in a relatively privileged position compared to many other people and therefore I don't feel as desperate because of my dating failures.

 

[real human being]

Hey, I'm 22 and have never been in a relationship. It does bother me, but only because I'm pretty lonely, not because of what others think.

My piece of advice would be, don't ever let yourself believe that you are worth less than anyone else for not having been in a relationship. Anyone who would judge you for something like that is not worth listening to.

 

[idiotmother]

I think society puts way too much pressure and emphasis on relationships. There really is so much more to life. I had early relationships and they were very abusive. I wish I had stayed single til my twenties.

 

[Hotsackage]

im almost 40, i mean i dated someone for like 2 weeks, but no i couldnt get into one, cause i was dealt the joker. but then theres emma watson whos almost my age, and prefers to be self partnered, cause no one matches her intellect. so i wouldnt go rushing into anything if i were you, just look after yourself

 

[Flubber]

@bubblebunny - You may feel like you've missed a few 'romantic milestones' in your life but maybe you're judging yourself a bit harshly? At 21 y/o, you're still really young and you have many years ahead to achieve these but also make up for the moments you may feel to have missed out on.

I wasted so many romantic opportunities as a young adult because I dismissed them. Not because I was arrogant or uninterested, but because an internal dialogue enforced that I was unworthy of love and attention. I longed so much to have had the confidence to talk to chicks but that didn't come until many years later when I realised my inner thoughts were a huge contrast to other peoples' perception of me.

Is it ok to ask what has held you back from achieving "romantic milestones" ?

 

[badatparties]

That's not a bad thing to be honest. Way too many people just give their hearts to complete randos who fuck them over in one way or another.

World would be better of if people had relationships based on mutual love and respect even if it came later in life. The reason 50% of marriages break down is because they never really loved each other to begin with.

 

[OOUUneverover]

Reading statistics on abuse rates will really chase you away from the idea of a relationship

 

[heroingirl]

growing up i was considered unattractive by most, and this made me vulnerable to older people with bad intentions. i wasn't getting attention or compliments from people my age, and all my friends had boyfriends and were going out on dates and doing all the other "normal" teenage romance things. this led to me being groomed quite a bit. i still talk to one of my groomers to this day and im 21 years old now and somewhere down the line i either started to become more attractive or men got more desperate, because i get alot of attention now. i still see myself as the kid people wondered why my friends were even friends with me, so it always catches me off guard when i repeatedly get hit on and still feel like it all must be a joke. and im old enough to know now that i shouldn't be involved with one of my groomers still, i even lost all of my friends for talking to one later than i should have been. i've tried to cut ties multiple times but i always come back. i miss him so fast. but now its even harder to cut ties even though i know its not a person who's good for me to have around and know that hes into kids. if i got rid of him id have basically no one left and im so scared of being alone and sick of being as alone as i already am. making friends as an adult is so hard. so i destroy myself talking to someone who's only interest in me at the start was that i was a child, and i know i have an "expiration date" and might be already past it. such a strange feeling to be insecure and feeling "too old" for someone who's 11 years older than me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I was your age when a guy started chatting to me while I was sitting having a break in a London tourist attraction. We talked for ages and, he was interesting and nice. Flirty though and more and more drunk throughout. He at least warned me that he was going to kiss me I suppose. I didn't really know what to do though. It wasn't exactly wanted or romantic. I was feeling fairly afraid at the end that we would in fact go separate ways and he wouldn't try anything dodgy. He didn't- thankfully. That was my first and last romantic- ish experience. Although- I don't think you could call it romantic really. More, clumsy. I'm 45 now.

I went through around 13 years of limerent (obsessive) crushes on guys. It was a relief to finally find out about limerence because, it's stopped me becoming so crazily obsessed. For a long time, I really wanted a happy end with a partner though.

I suppose at the same time I weaned myself away from limerent crushes, I began to really consider the reality of relationships. Not the delluded fairytale going on in my head. I realised that I didn't envy any of the people in relationships around me. Their time seemed mostly to be spent bickering between one another or, worrying they loved their partners more than their partners loved them.

I started to question whether I actually would like the reality of being with someone and began to realise probably neither of us would like it! Now, I really value my independence and freedom. I suppose I'm lucky, in that I also have nothing to miss. Never having experienced being with someone.

I think it varies though. Some people are probably more ok on their own than others. People meet at all ages though. But- it takes effort. A friend of my parent's is widowed and in her 70's and it sounds as if she may have met someone. She does lots though- belongs to clubs, goes on holidays and talks to people etc.

 

[Nightfoot]

I think there are probably as many people in relationships who envy single people as there are singles envy them. You're still young, so no rush, as that can lead to relationships you end up regretting.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

The humiliations that await a weak man who can get his foot in the door with women are worse than celibacy.

 

[bubblebunny]

@bubblebunny - You may feel like you've missed a few 'romantic milestones' in your life but maybe you're judging yourself a bit harshly? At 21 y/o, you're still really young and you have many years ahead to achieve these but also make up for the moments you may feel to have missed out on.

I wasted so many romantic opportunities as a young adult because I dismissed them. Not because I was arrogant or uninterested, but because an internal dialogue enforced that I was unworthy of love and attention. I longed so much to have had the confidence to talk to chicks but that didn't come until many years later when I realised my inner thoughts were a huge contrast to other peoples' perception of me.

Is it ok to ask what has held you back from achieving "romantic milestones" ?

I know 21 sounds young but I was in a friend group where every single one of my friends was in a relationship at 15/16. We were with 10 so it was extremely embarrassing!

I feel alone but I'm not isolated enough to not be confronted with my peers. I personally don't know anyone my age or older who hasn't had atleast their first kiss?

As to why I never achieved any romantic milestones? No one ever saw me that way? It's not that I wasn't around or rejected anyone. I simply never had anyone interested like that in me. I bet it's also bc I'm kinda ugly but I've seen "ugly" people in relationships too?
So I don't even know what to blame.

 

[Flubber]

I know 21 sounds young but I was in a friend group where every single one of my friends was in a relationship at 15/16. We were with 10 so it was extremely embarrassing!

I feel alone but I'm not isolated enough to not be confronted with my peers. I personally don't know anyone my age or older who hasn't had atleast their first kiss?

As to why I never achieved any romantic milestones? No one ever saw me that way? It's not that I wasn't around or rejected anyone. I simply never had anyone interested like that in me. I bet it's also bc I'm kinda ugly but I've seen "ugly" people in relationships too?
So I don't even know what to blame.

Maybe you're being too hard on yourself. What makes you perceive yourself as ugly? You must be likeable as a person because you've got a circle of friends: something that a lot of people here seem to not have in their life.

Do you suddenly feel really shy around people you're attracted to and start to close-up? This can give off unintentional signals that you're not interested or are unavailable, therefore people are unlikely to make a pass at you as they don't want to feel rejected. Rejection is one of the hardest thing do deal with IMO and it kinda begs the question if this is something you 're really fearful of?

I used to be terrible at reading signals from girls when I was young and eventually bought some books (pre-internet days) that helped me understand how to be more successful at talking to women and it really helped with confidence. There are tons of channels on YouTube that offer advice and a really great channel for this and other social situations is Charisma on Command.

 

[AstralMadness]

I've been single my whole life and don't have any romantic milestones
(Like first kiss etc). It's quite embarrassing since I'm 21 (yeah I know )


I was wondering if anyone wants to share about their experience of being unloved, I'm curious to hear your stories!

Like does it get more bearable, comparison with friends, coping, family asking etc

was there until recently. i hadn't had a girlfriend or kiss or anything not even a hug, i kept wishing for it for a very long time, only way i had to cope was hoping it'd happen sometime
it did end up happening but i ruined it so..

 

[Codename_Joryu]

The only time a girl confessed her love to me was an april fools joke.
It does get more bearable as long as you have enough distractions.

 

[imreadyplayerone]

I identify with you... but I wasn't even depressed about it when I was your age. I still had hope back then. I'm 55 now and still haven't had a relationship with a woman. It's just not going to happen, and I'm going to be miserable the rest of my life.

55?! damn i don't know how your still even alive

 

[Terrible_Life]

I remember people telling me i'd look good etc or when class mates told me oh look that girl likes you why don't you ask her for a date etc, the issue was that i was damaged as a person that I couldn't spend lots of time with someone because my mental pain was and is like being disabled therefore I always struggled to keep friendships or a relationship. If a person has so many problems how can he even do that? How can he spend lots of time with people when all the time his ocd etc would torture him and nobody knows why he's suffering so much…

 

[bubblebunny]

The only time a girl confessed her love to me was an april fools joke.
It does get more bearable as long as you have enough distractions.

That is SOOOOO CRUEL WTFFFF!!!

 

[Pale_Rider]

It just really sucks. as many of us know here. many of us have felt the weight of survival instinct , and some of us feel the weight of sexual / social instinct . whatever you want to call it. it's very real, and powerful.

 

[bubblebunny]

Maybe you're being too hard on yourself. What makes you perceive yourself as ugly? You must be likeable as a person because you've got a circle of friends: something that a lot of people here seem to not have in their life.

Do you suddenly feel really shy around people you're attracted to and start to close-up? This can give off unintentional signals that you're not interested or are unavailable, therefore people are unlikely to make a pass at you as they don't want to feel rejected. Rejection is one of the hardest thing do deal with IMO and it kinda begs the question if this is something you 're really fearful of?

I used to be terrible at reading signals from girls when I was young and eventually bought some books (pre-internet days) that helped me understand how to be more successful at talking to women and it really helped with confidence. There are tons of channels on YouTube that offer advice and a really great channel for this and other social situations is Charisma on Command.

Well it's complicated that friend group kinda excluded me. We were just in the same girl scouting but they didn't see me as part of their group group you know?

It's just genuinely that people never saw or see me that way. That's genuinely it! Most guys I think are attractive are also in relationships by now. I don't freeze or anything but I do believe that by now I do not believe anyone could ever like me. But when I still did it just felt like no one ever saw me that way.

I mean now I still feel super upset about it but I also try not to hope so it keeps me in a weird situation. Like i don't really need tips I'm just upset