Discussion Childhood trauma makes so much sense to me

[ElTopo]

I've recently started reflecting on this because I've been reading about trauma (it all started with one of those stupid online tests, which shouldn't be relied upon, I know) and its consequences. And I've always known I've been through some shit even though I don't remember all of it, I remember being beaten, talked down and insulted by my parents since I was a child, I also remember some other stuff I don't want to talk about, nothing sexual of course. And the household was always an angry climate, walking on eggshells, pans and pots always clashing loudly, I think my dad beat my mother once, but I was too small to remember. They weren't too bad people, just unfit to be parents I think, and my brothers were the worst, they would bully me all the time.
I think it shaped the person that I am today and even though I've grown a lot I don't think I can ever recover fully, I'll never be myself, I will always be tainted with all of this.
I don't think I even want to get better, I think a life like this has little value and it makes no sense to struggle anymore, I tried so much, so hard, and I got far too, but it doesn't make sense to live indefinitely in struggle, if I can't look at a promising future I can't go on at all.