Venting Can’t shake romantic loneliness

[Give Up The Ghost]

Probably sounds entirely pathetic, so I'll keep it brief. Firstly, I'm not one of those gross incels who blames other people for their own romantic failings. I know I'm no good at being bold socially or asserting my needs, I never have been. If it's anyone's fault my life has been and continues to be loveless, it's mine. I could blame my socially isolated and slightly traumatic upbringing, but maybe blame isn't the point. Maybe it just is.

The issue is, I can't seem to satisfy or remove this need for romantic love and it's made me supremely depressed. I can't seem to enjoy any of the social events I used to go to. All I can see is people in relationships, people joking about sex, all these references to a world I've never even been close to, do not understand and yet somehow need. I wish I could turn these needs off, I've never been comfortable with any of it.

I look ahead and see the entire rest of my life, feeling the horrifying ache of self-hatred every time something innocuously reminds me of sex and relationships. A song lyric, a dirty joke, a happy couple, anything really (again, I'm not blaming anyone else for this, I am obviously not owed sex or relationships or any kind of love at all, these are just triggers I've noticed I struggle with).

I don't think I can do it, I think it's just gonna drive me even more madly depressed, ruining the social connections I do have. Seems I'd be better off dead where the unbreakable whims of biology can't hurt me anymore.

Has anyone else on here had a similar experience? I've been browsing for a bit and it seems like most people have a very different experience to me, that if they have problems with sex and relationships it's because of bad experience, not no experience. Always interesting and mind-expanding to read different points of view, but it's kind made me feel isolated.

Anyway, thanks for reading my rant. I hope I didn't come across like an incel and I hope you are having a better day than me : )

 

[cagedSage]

I have felt in ways similar to what you have described, and still do to this day, there are nuances and my feelings and experiences differ a little bit from yours but i believe the core of the essence is the same, I have had my experiences , not really few and not really plenty , a regular amount i would guess, and yes i know this may seem like its the case of *the people with the bad experiences* but that would not be accurate. Through no fault of anyone else but my own i too feel traumatized every time the mere idea of sex pops into my head. It is not due to bad experiences however, but the nightmare that is the inside of my head. My anxiety, my fear, the disconnect between what i wish it to be and what it is in reality (even if pleasant), my inability to connect with others (i can pretend but not for too long), and finally , my almost vampiric instinct to cling , poison, and used my partner as a bucket for emotions i cant deal with, it suffocates them no matter how hard they try and i dont wish to do that to others.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I used to feel the same way before I entered this percieved realm for special people that you allude of. Only to find out that it was underwhelming, exhausting, and very costly. And that was 15-20 years ago. I couldn't imagine how it is today, when technology basically makes is so easy for people to cheat...and most people end up doing so. No matter how good you treat them.

 

[inconstantprayer]

We're all looking for the same things more or less. no need to apologize for being a normal human being. i think the trouble is we find ourselves isolated in a world that asks us to be machines. but we aren't machines, and we shouldn't even have to be in competition with anyone other than ourselves. we are owned by slave masters that dont care about us and treat us like worthless dirt. meat for the grinder. if we don't play ball, there's the door and we are shut out into the cold, to be instantly replaced by another desperate slave. of course this creates problems. we were never meant to live like this. we should be treated well. we want to treat others well, and we want to be treated the same ourselves. we do not want to treat others like that. this whole slave world thing doesnt make sense.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I used to feel this pain and longing a lot. I went through several bouts of limerence- obsessive crushes on people so, the feelings were incredibly intense for a long while.

Maybe it's because of how bad that experience was, it was a relief to be rid of all of it. I still get occassional twinges- on the 'what ifs'. But- I think my ideas around love are too fairytale. When I observe real life couples, I don't generally want what they have.

I also got to a stage where I thought that it wasn't just that I was ugly- a femcel in many ways. It wasn't just that I was off putting to guys. It was that maybe also that I was putting them off. It was maybe also choice that I was single. At that point, I began to embrace it more. I actually really value my independence now.

It may help that I've never been in a romantic relationship though. So, I don't really know enough about the good things to miss them.

Sorry- I'm not sure that that's reassuring. I don't know that everyone does pass through the phase of really wanting someone. It's so much better without all that though- for me anyhow. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[divinemistress36]

We are human we all want love deep down. Sadly we have been fed lies that we all have a soulmate that is just waiting for us

 

[lemonlotl]

Agree with the others that there's something very human about longing for companionship, we're not by default creatures of solitude and extended periods of isolation & feeling fundamentally rejected/excluded from one of the "core" experiences of life like romance to most people to the point it's almost universal in the media can absolutely be disparaging to the self, but you're not pathetic for feeling this way at all! I've had a very similar feeling and experiences as well and although I can't say it gets better, you're not alone in feeling this way and I'm sure others on this forum can relate. I'm sorry you're going through this though.

 

[Kibby]

id imagine most of us feel this way

 

[The_Hunter]

I am really sorry to hear that. I hope that you will somehow be able to potentially even shift your way of general thinking to hopefully ease this, given all possibility.

Was it love, or was it the idea of being in love?

As someone who has felt a lot of regret in the past about not really having many close friends, I feel one of the things that really helped me, was trying to shift my views and values away from a perspective that made me feel dissatisfied and deprived. Of course I mean not to say that "oh just think differently and it'll be sunshine and rainbows", nono, of course not hah; I mean in a way more so "this situation is difficult indeed, and some level of dissatisfaction will come from it--but maybe that bad feel can somehow be reduced (even [if it's] [just] a bit) by a slightly different perspective".

Maybe it's just that we just want someone like a close friend, someone to be there emotionally for us and share company with, as opposed to a romantic relationship in particular. But because [at least American] society heralds the romantic relationship as the ultimate human unity--and culturally presents it everywhere as such, this can often become what we end up wishing for. But love, comes in many forms; romance only being one of them.

I just recalled. I remember reading this very insightful and interesting comment about the origins of the concept "romantic love" itself, on this excellent SaSu comment linked as such. The comment begins with the words "What's "romantic love"? It's actually a peculiar form of love".

I think perhaps we can come to understand this. Romantic love may not be the cure-all psychological panacea that society heralds it to be... BUT, this also means this. That we might just be able to feel satisfied in ourselves and our own pursuits without the need of a person of our preferred sex.

Perhaps some things in life are better when we feel we might not need them. Ideally, a romantic partner is something that is best enjoyed on top of an already handled life. If other people can become a wonderful conduit of reforming ourselves--and giving us peace that way--then perhaps we can do the same for ourselves as well, and try to ease our life experience by looking more into both our solemn desperations as well as our solemn joys; to find where we truly want to be, and what discords us at this very moment.

But going back to all this. I do not believe you are pathetic; in fact I believe your feelings valid and your wishes to be very human. I truly hope you are able to find a fix to this disharmony and hopefully, live in peace, with pursuits you find engaging and resonant. My wishes with you.

P.S. My apologies for any misunderstandings or disharmonies caused by this post. Please, feel free to correct me on any count you wish. My words with you.

 

[Languish]

Loneliness is a poison that rots the soul.

 

[tiredash]

you wasted all my sympathy at your first phrase. cant believe that even in these forums there are still people kicking other people.

maybe ppl think that those "gross incels" choose this way and they enjoy and are happy with it. i wont even elaborate, i said more than enough to trigger some kind of consideration.

 

[foreverstardust]

I relate so much to what you've said. I feel like I've spent my entire life trying to reach out and connect with people, desperately yearning to be held and touched and have someone know every inch of my soul, but there's something entirely wrong with me and the way I interact with people that it just doesn't happen. Has never happened. I feel like an alien sometimes, like I'm not even human, because I just can't foster that connection with people, and after all these years of watching other people love and be loved I'm just so desperately tired of pretending I don't want that.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I'm exactly the same as OP except I have no social life so I don't go to social events.

I don't think it's entirely my fault though, yes I didn't try hard enough, but when I do get bursts of confidence and do try I always get rejected and it's simply a vicious circle of those rejections making me more depressed, less willing to try and I guess less datable due to it causing depression.

I'm probably not perfect in terms of rejecting women I'm completely incompatible with, but at the same time if there was even a small amount of obvious compatibility I'd give someone a chance, and I certainly wouldn't lead people on.

 

[Languish]

We are human we all want love deep down. Sadly we have been fed lies that we all have a soulmate that is just waiting for us

I do not believe in soulmates, but what I do believe is that out of the billions on this Earth, everyone has someone that would be perfectly suited to them.

The problem lies in distance, as well as language barriers, and the fact they may be well suited to more than just us, and thus might be taken already by a solid match, or even taken by a terrible match. There are likely multitudes of people perfectly suited to us that we will never meet. It is statistically extremely likely.

Though.. I will say that the more isolated one is, the more unique one is, the less human one feels, the less suitable matches are out there. "Normal" people find matches so easily, as normal is exceedingly common to be found. We who diverge from the norm have our options few and far between. Many of us never even get the chance to meet someone who suits us in our lifetime, depending on how uncommon we are, and how well we socialize.

 

[Give Up The Ghost]

I used to feel this pain and longing a lot. I went through several bouts of limerence- obsessive crushes on people so, the feelings were incredibly intense for a long while.

Maybe it's because of how bad that experience was, it was a relief to be rid of all of it. I still get occassional twinges- on the 'what ifs'. But- I think my ideas around love are too fairytale. When I observe real life couples, I don't generally want what they have.

I also got to a stage where I thought that it wasn't just that I was ugly- a femcel in many ways. It wasn't just that I was off putting to guys. It was that maybe also that I was putting them off. It was maybe also choice that I was single. At that point, I began to embrace it more. I actually really value my independence now.

It may help that I've never been in a romantic relationship though. So, I don't really know enough about the good things to miss them.

Sorry- I'm not sure that that's reassuring. I don't know that everyone does pass through the phase of really wanting someone. It's so much better without all that though- for me anyhow. I'm sorry you're going through this.

That is actually kind of reassuring. I like the idea that it's a phase, that I can learn to live independently and appreciate that while not feeding into the fairytale idea that someone's gonna come along and complete me or whatever. Congrats for reaching that stage of things yourself

I relate so much to what you've said. I feel like I've spent my entire life trying to reach out and connect with people, desperately yearning to be held and touched and have someone know every inch of my soul, but there's something entirely wrong with me and the way I interact with people that it just doesn't happen. Has never happened. I feel like an alien sometimes, like I'm not even human, because I just can't foster that connection with people, and after all these years of watching other people love and be loved I'm just so desperately tired of pretending I don't want that.

Sorry to hear that you're suffering with this too. I get what you mean about feeling alien, almost not human. It's tough when these ideas of romantic love permeate the culture so broadly that it makes it seem like something everyone has, but I think that's mostly an illusion and that some (but not all) of those alienating feelings come from buying into that illusion. That's what I tell myself anyways

you wasted all my sympathy at your first phrase. cant believe that even in these forums there are still people kicking other people.

maybe ppl think that those "gross incels" choose this way and they enjoy and are happy with it. i wont even elaborate, i said more than enough to trigger some kind of consideration.

Sorry if I offended you there. I only opened with the incels bit to distinguish my rant and make it clear that I take responsibility for my actions and do not believe that the world owes me any kind of love. It seems to me that incels are defined by their mixture of entitlement and self-hatred. They believe the world owes them love but that it will never give it to them because of things entirely beyond their control. While I want romantic love and my not having it is based on some factors beyond my control, I still acknowledge that I have a great degree of control over my situation. Thus I take responsibility for it, do what I can to make myself sociable. I felt that if I started ranting about wanting love and sex, I would be accused of inceldom, and more specifically of blaming women for my problems, which is not the case. That's what I made pains to clarify this point. Perhaps 'gross' was a little mean, sorry about that, but as far as I know the incel ideology is quite toxic and I didn't want to be mistaken for believing in it.

 

[sadalways]

For me this is one of like two or three reasons why i want to CTB. I've tried to shake this feeling off, for nearly a decade if not longer, ever since i hit puberty. I don't know what to do anymore, it completely consumes my brain and eats at it, knowing i'll never experience this shit known as romantic love and will be single forever, due to social anxiety. It makes me sad and mad and i try to not think about it but it always comes back and even if i'm fine for a day, the next day it hits twice as hard. I wish i could get over it. But i don't think i can. And it hurts.