catbunny
Member
- Jun 19, 2024
- 71
Lately I have been thinking a lot about having a deep relationship. I mean, I can't say that I haven't deeply in love with anyone before, but to have a deep connection with someone, that is something I have never had. I don't have a person I can confidently call my "best friend," to be honest. Most of the time, I just call people "close friends." At the end of the day, I don't really talk to anyone, not that much, not that deeply. There isn't anyone who I truly trust with my whole heart.
At one point, my friend who read tarot for me was surprised by how lonely I am even though I'm surrounded by people. It wasn't surprising at all. I, myself, feel really lonely in so many ways. I kept telling myself it's okay, I'm used to this. And maybe I am. I've gotten used to dealing with everything on my own. I've gotten used to sitting with my own thoughts, comforting myself, carrying everything by myself. But getting used to something doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore.
I know I want to stay in bed, alone. Yes, I do enjoy my alone time. I like my own company. I like the silence. But that doesn't mean I want to be alone for the rest of my life. I do want to rely on others, at least on someone, and for once not only on myself. I'm tired of always being the one who has to hold everything together.
Relying on someone is not that bad. It's simply part of human social behavior. Humans need one another to live and survive. We all have the right to rely on other people if that's what we need. Somewhere along the way, people started making it sound like needing someone is a weakness. I don't think it is. I think it's one of the most human things we can ever do.
I wish there could be someone whom I can rely on, and they would rely on me too. Someone who chooses me as naturally as I choose them. Or maybe I should say, I wish for once I could be someone's first choice. Not the second option, not the "you're important too," but the person they think of first. The person they come to first. The person they stay for.
But I guess, until the day I die, I will be alone. Maybe that's too pessimistic to say, but that's simply the fate that I have learned to accept for a while now. Cruel, yet it's something I can't help.
I still hope, though. Maybe that's the cruelest part. Because no matter how much I try to convince myself that I've accepted it, there is still a part of me that quietly wishes someone would prove me wrong.
This is so disappointing.
At one point, my friend who read tarot for me was surprised by how lonely I am even though I'm surrounded by people. It wasn't surprising at all. I, myself, feel really lonely in so many ways. I kept telling myself it's okay, I'm used to this. And maybe I am. I've gotten used to dealing with everything on my own. I've gotten used to sitting with my own thoughts, comforting myself, carrying everything by myself. But getting used to something doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore.
I know I want to stay in bed, alone. Yes, I do enjoy my alone time. I like my own company. I like the silence. But that doesn't mean I want to be alone for the rest of my life. I do want to rely on others, at least on someone, and for once not only on myself. I'm tired of always being the one who has to hold everything together.
Relying on someone is not that bad. It's simply part of human social behavior. Humans need one another to live and survive. We all have the right to rely on other people if that's what we need. Somewhere along the way, people started making it sound like needing someone is a weakness. I don't think it is. I think it's one of the most human things we can ever do.
I wish there could be someone whom I can rely on, and they would rely on me too. Someone who chooses me as naturally as I choose them. Or maybe I should say, I wish for once I could be someone's first choice. Not the second option, not the "you're important too," but the person they think of first. The person they come to first. The person they stay for.
But I guess, until the day I die, I will be alone. Maybe that's too pessimistic to say, but that's simply the fate that I have learned to accept for a while now. Cruel, yet it's something I can't help.
I still hope, though. Maybe that's the cruelest part. Because no matter how much I try to convince myself that I've accepted it, there is still a part of me that quietly wishes someone would prove me wrong.
This is so disappointing.
