husky
Member
- Jul 9, 2023
- 7
I'm sure a lot of people can relate, and i've seen a couple of threads on here about this.
I've been suicidal for over 15 years. It's just got worse year after year, i've gradually become more and more desperate to leave this world. I've always known that this is how i would go.
I spent years researching methods. I did my biggest attempt in January this year, but just at the very last second, i stopped it as i began to pass out.
I keep hating myself for not doing it.
It was what i wanted, everything would've been perfect. Instead, i ruined it, making me feel even worse.
So i've remained alive for the past few months... pretty much for nothing. Just wasting resources, working to... stay alive, i guess? Make it make sense.
Last night, the same happened, I had things in place, but i just couldn't go through with it.
It's so frustrating. it took me almost 12 hours to build myself up to this moment, set everything up.
But i just couldn't do it.
So i just stay stuck here, alone, with no other plans than to CTB, pretending i'm ok, just a bit emo, and with life's problems still accumulating rapidly.
It makes things scary in a way, as i don't have any other way out, unless i manage to get over this... fear or whatever it is.
It's just awful that people like us have to consciously go through the horror of taking their own life.
I'm so tired of having that heavy, dull feeling inside of me, like death is already there. I'm tired of planning this, only to fail, like i've failed everything else.
I've been suicidal for over 15 years. It's just got worse year after year, i've gradually become more and more desperate to leave this world. I've always known that this is how i would go.
I spent years researching methods. I did my biggest attempt in January this year, but just at the very last second, i stopped it as i began to pass out.
I keep hating myself for not doing it.
It was what i wanted, everything would've been perfect. Instead, i ruined it, making me feel even worse.
So i've remained alive for the past few months... pretty much for nothing. Just wasting resources, working to... stay alive, i guess? Make it make sense.
Last night, the same happened, I had things in place, but i just couldn't go through with it.
It's so frustrating. it took me almost 12 hours to build myself up to this moment, set everything up.
But i just couldn't do it.
So i just stay stuck here, alone, with no other plans than to CTB, pretending i'm ok, just a bit emo, and with life's problems still accumulating rapidly.
It makes things scary in a way, as i don't have any other way out, unless i manage to get over this... fear or whatever it is.
It's just awful that people like us have to consciously go through the horror of taking their own life.
I'm so tired of having that heavy, dull feeling inside of me, like death is already there. I'm tired of planning this, only to fail, like i've failed everything else.
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