Discussion Can't go through with it

[husky]

I'm sure a lot of people can relate, and i've seen a couple of threads on here about this.

I've been suicidal for over 15 years. It's just got worse year after year, i've gradually become more and more desperate to leave this world. I've always known that this is how i would go.

I spent years researching methods. I did my biggest attempt in January this year, but just at the very last second, i stopped it as i began to pass out.
I keep hating myself for not doing it.
It was what i wanted, everything would've been perfect. Instead, i ruined it, making me feel even worse.
So i've remained alive for the past few months... pretty much for nothing. Just wasting resources, working to... stay alive, i guess? Make it make sense.

Last night, the same happened, I had things in place, but i just couldn't go through with it.
It's so frustrating. it took me almost 12 hours to build myself up to this moment, set everything up.
But i just couldn't do it.

So i just stay stuck here, alone, with no other plans than to CTB, pretending i'm ok, just a bit emo, and with life's problems still accumulating rapidly.

It makes things scary in a way, as i don't have any other way out, unless i manage to get over this... fear or whatever it is.

It's just awful that people like us have to consciously go through the horror of taking their own life.

I'm so tired of having that heavy, dull feeling inside of me, like death is already there. I'm tired of planning this, only to fail, like i've failed everything else.

 

[DivineSpark]

Yeah, I have been struggling with anxiety, anhedonia, despair and other shitty feelings for last 10 years. It seems like getting worse every year. I am frustrated, I just want pain to end.

 

[bob55]

I'm sure a lot of people can relate, and i've seen a couple of threads on here about this.

I've been suicidal for over 15 years. It's just got worse year after year, i've gradually become more and more desperate to leave this world. I've always known that this is how i would go.

I spent years researching methods. I did my biggest attempt in January this year, but just at the very last second, i stopped it as i began to pass out.
I keep hating myself for not doing it.
It was what i wanted, everything would've been perfect. Instead, i ruined it, making me feel even worse.
So i've remained alive for the past few months... pretty much for nothing. Just wasting resources, working to... stay alive, i guess? Make it make sense.

Last night, the same happened, I had things in place, but i just couldn't go through with it.
It's so frustrating. it took me almost 12 hours to build myself up to this moment, set everything up.
But i just couldn't do it.

So i just stay stuck here, alone, with no other plans than to CTB, pretending i'm ok, just a bit emo, and with life's problems still accumulating rapidly.

It makes things scary in a way, as i don't have any other way out, unless i manage to get over this... fear or whatever it is.

It's just awful that people like us have to consciously go through the horror of taking their own life.

I'm so tired of having that heavy, dull feeling inside of me, like death is already there. I'm tired of planning this, only to fail, like i've failed everything else.

It's as if i wrote this thread, so relatable. I'm sure there are many, many more people who feel like that. we keep thinking it cannot get any worse, but it does, day after day, year after year. I most certainly do not want to stick around to find out how much worse it will get as clearly there's no limit to how much we can suffer. I feel like i'm a zombie or something, just living and breathing for no reason, just more suffering.

I also spent years researching ways to end it, i just can't get myself to follow through. i made an attempt a while ago and also stopped as i was passing out, which also made me feel worse and i regret stopping every day which is just another burden on my mind. I tried a different method two nights ago, i posted about it on another thread here, made all the preparations for weeks and then literally at the last minute i couldn't go through with it.

felt so horrible and emotional to be unable to follow through and have to clear whatever i prepped. I don't know how to get over that fear or whatever it is that's preventing me from following through, all i know is it has to be done.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

It's frustrating. My main problem is people who depend on me. Makes it complicated. This is torture.

 

[SVEN]

SI is really challenging to get past. Give yourself time to settle down if you can, best wishes.