Can’t CTB due to family

[KUA]

This morning I woke up very depressed. I thought of my own mum, she had bad depression when I was a child. I believe that if I CTB, there is a chance my mum will too. This makes me worry about my brother who is 15. Today, I asked my brother if he would rather have me alive and for us to be poor or for me to be dead but be rich. He chose for us to be alive and poor. This melted my heart as I have wasted so much of my parents' money on education to be a failure. I still have issues but I will go on for longer than I thought and try to work through them. Maybe in the months to come my family will tire with the burden that I am but for now, I am putting my plans on pause.
Has anyone else had any experiences like this? Has anyone felt like this months ago but felt different now? I am so confused

 

[TowerUpright]

If you have children, it definitely is a factor in postponing CTB. I guess if you're close to others, they, too, would be a factor.

I have held back for a while, due to family reasons. It will probably keep holding me back for a while. Unless I'm about to be laid off, at which I'd CTB before my last day to collect life insurance. I have been there many years, well past the time that life insurance won't pay out for suicide.

 

[ocheeva]

Wow... This is so very similar to my story. It was like reading something that I myself had written.

Just as my parents have lived for me and my sister, I will keep myself alive for them. When one of them dies, I go.

 

[Darksektori]

This morning I woke up very depressed. I thought of my own mum, she had bad depression when I was a child. I believe that if I CTB, there is a chance my mum will too. This makes me worry about my brother who is 15. Today, I asked my brother if he would rather have me alive and for us to be poor or for me to be dead but be rich. He chose for us to be alive and poor. This melted my heart as I have wasted so much of my parents' money on education to be a failure. I still have issues but I will go on for longer than I thought and try to work through them. Maybe in the months to come my family will tire with the burden that I am but for now, I am putting my plans on pause.
Has anyone else had any experiences like this? Has anyone felt like this months ago but felt different now? I am so confused

You seem to have some fight still in you, if you're not ready to quit, then try holding on the best you can if that's what you want