cancel ctb debrief

[derekWest]

Hi,, on the 17st monday of march 2025 at 9PM (utc+1), i initiate my sn ctb plan.

after 30" (so 10" before sn drink), i decide to cancel all this mess... because i don't felt enouch hopeless to this, i think.
maybe, i just would to be in front of a choice and felt that I CAN choose to still alive or die and fuck this world...

i don't regret too much my decision, moreover, being still alive have this "advantage" to allow to choose again

now, i'm concentrate on my back to work after 4 month' sick leave. and i decide to find some hookups to fuck with love and without be worried about how this life and world are so mess sometimes...

TLTR :

.
PS : i don't find anybody to fuck, i'm so frustrated... but i have some hope to find someone soon. and maybe i will find love too.

 

[derekWest]

2 week after my ctb attempt, i don't regret my decision

i go back to work in part time. collegues was happy to see me back (and me was also happy to see them). i find some hookups on gay dating apps. i found also maybe a friend to go swimming into sea. i'm cycling with my e-bike since weather is very sunny. i'm invested in a association about autism (i transport some furnitures, i contribute to some meeting...)

to conclude, all goes better and i'm quite surprise ! I hope it will goes on.

BUT, i'm still convinced that all may goes worse soon because of wars, geopolitcs issues, economic recession... So, i keep my sn ! I think i will go ctb before 2035.

 

[derekWest]

Almost 2 month after my ctb attempt, I'm quite "happy" to be alive.

I'm in part time and I manage to work but it is sometimes quite hard (fear to not be able to do some task and in time).

I stay suicidal (most of the time). I don't have oxazepram and I sometime want to get it just in case...
My future is so uncertain !

I meet beautiful guy on gay app that make me happy and help me to keep some reason to stay alive.

I stay invested into an association.

 

[CatLvr]

Sounds like even with your suicidal tendencies you are actively looking for reasons to continue on. This is much the same thing that happened to me. I came here looking for a way to die and instead, found reasons to live.

I hope you continue to feel more and more better, as my kids said when they were little. It lightens my heart when I see a Recovery thread such as yours.

 

[derekWest]

Human body is so well constructed ! It is almost impossible to ctb without being really totally hopeless (and when we are hopeless, we are no energy, I think).

I think over and over. And I conclude that my only real reason to live is not my work or my family or my casual activities (swimming, cycling...). No, it is to be loved and love someone NOW (not maybe in several years after a lot of efforts). But, as I'm unable to be engage (fear, uncertainty, lack of self confidence), my only mean is to find hookup (and some kind of friendship)... It seems to work !

Basically, sex help me a lot... It is quite disappointing... I would like to say that I stay alive because I love my work, my family... But no, it is thank my hookup before all.

Family, work, casual activities help me but aren't sufficient for me to be well... It isn't a sufficient condition.