bpd makes me want to gag because i fuck up all my relationships

[monetpompo]

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Watching a Dan Hentschel video while drinking coffee and it's genuinely making me stressed because I see myself in parts of him lol. I've been watching him recently since I've had more free time after ghosting most of my friends/not sending any texts while waiting to die. I get jealous really really easily. I get jealous when people are happier than me. I get jealous when people hang out with their friends. I get jealous when someone talks about someone else when they're hanging out with me because I immediately think that they must want to hang out with them instead of me and they're secretly just spending time with me while they miss them more. Does that make any sense? I've had this thought loop so many times. I just always seem to think that other people like other people more than me and I can't ever be a good enough friend to them, and they've secretly never actually wanted me. I always imagine that people like me more when I repress core aspects of myself because any time I show signs of my depression or bpd it just makes me look like a loser or makes them uncomfortable that they're talking to a "sad" mentally ill person instead of a "functioning" mentally ill person. One of the good ones that don't whine and cry so often.

There have been so many points in my life where I have just wanted to be a different person because I feel like people always seem to want someone else more than me. I act like I can feel how much someone dislikes me in my bones and I can convince myself that someone I've been friends with for 3 years is waiting for the right time to cut ties with me but they don't know how to. I always think I'm right. I always think that people hate me. Maybe people really do hate me because I always get stuck in this insane thought loop of never being good enough and trying to parse my friend's messages to see if they really do hate me. It's just so much easier to talk to no one at all. I've accepted that I'm not going to suddenly start liking myself and believe that people want to be friends with me. One of the things pushing me to die is how fucked up I am socially. Whenever I think about opening up to people, I just imagine black sludge falling out of my mouth and having people be disgusted by me. I don't want to be told to get therapy because I can't afford it. I don't want to be told to move out because I can't afford it. Every day, I'm just trying to discreetly swallow the black bile in my throat so that it doesn't get on people and stain their clothes. I don't want anyone to know how sick I am. It's just so disgusting to be jealous of normal people. It must feel so good to be a normal person.