I cut the few contacts that i had, I'm pretty much completely alone in the universe. I work nights so i hardly have to talk to anyone anymore, it really adds to the solitude. And i'm feeling good, at peace with myself, maybe for the first time ever.
When we have people, friends, family around us, it's expected that we pose, bring out our strengths and skills, and our perspective on ourselves changes as a result. Sometimes there is simply nothing you can do, but people never want to admit this. To many, it's defeatism to say that the sky is blue.
Alone, there is nothing but... right now. The cold, hard truth. My life has been a boring, dysfunctional, completely meaningless piece of a turd. Even the things that kind of did mean something, now mean nothing to me. Admitting it feels good.
I realize none of it really matters. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. Not even myself.
There is no one who cares about me and more importantly, there is no one i would like to care. I have nobody but at the same time I'm looking at people who have children, people who depend on them, people they can't get rid of, and i feel greatly privileged, free.
Even if all of this ends tomorrow, it doesn't matter, i don't care about anything, anybody but myself. That's how it's always been, deep down, i just had forgotten it. All the people around, they forced me to listen to their bullshit, accept their narrative. Now they are all gone and it's just me. I feel like i'm ready for whatever comes next, as ready as i'll get. If it's the same shit, it's the same shit. If something else, then something else.
When we have people, friends, family around us, it's expected that we pose, bring out our strengths and skills, and our perspective on ourselves changes as a result. Sometimes there is simply nothing you can do, but people never want to admit this. To many, it's defeatism to say that the sky is blue.
Alone, there is nothing but... right now. The cold, hard truth. My life has been a boring, dysfunctional, completely meaningless piece of a turd. Even the things that kind of did mean something, now mean nothing to me. Admitting it feels good.
I realize none of it really matters. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. Not even myself.
There is no one who cares about me and more importantly, there is no one i would like to care. I have nobody but at the same time I'm looking at people who have children, people who depend on them, people they can't get rid of, and i feel greatly privileged, free.
Even if all of this ends tomorrow, it doesn't matter, i don't care about anything, anybody but myself. That's how it's always been, deep down, i just had forgotten it. All the people around, they forced me to listen to their bullshit, accept their narrative. Now they are all gone and it's just me. I feel like i'm ready for whatever comes next, as ready as i'll get. If it's the same shit, it's the same shit. If something else, then something else.
