Venting Becoming what you hate.

[Anxieyote]

Sometimes it takes awhile, and you may not notice it while it's happening, but I've noticed that I'm becoming kind of ugly on the inside.

I don't have an official diagnosis, but I've suspected for awhile that I have BPD. I go from needing someone desperately, to being indifferent towards them the next day.

It's a terrible quality to have when it comes to forming friendships or relationships. No one trusts you, and their faith in you slowly dissolves when they realize how inconsistent you are. Going from the emotional range of a brick wall, to an unstoppable tornado of feelings at the drop of a hat.

It may not always be obvious when speaking to me, but a partner or friend is going to pick up on that kind of thing.

My alcohol addiction only exacerbates these wild swings, and even online friends are able to pick up on the fact that I'm drunk if I haven't spoken to them for weeks, and then treat them like my best friend out of the blue.

I look at myself and ask, "Would I want a friend like that?" and the answer is a pretty solid "No." It sounds like a person like that could hurt me a lot, and friends have expressed how frustrated and upset they've gotten with me over how sporadic I've been with contacting them. Expressing how much I care about them one day, to ghosting them the next. A person like that is a liability.

My self-hatred has ramped up a lot because of this. Despising these qualities turns into despising myself. I want to go into my brain with tools and "fix it" somehow so that I can be a better person who is easier to like and be around.

 

[Emu]

I feel what you are saying I live it everyday and everyday is a reminder of it!
It's driven me to attempt to take my life more then a few times, it feels like I'm constantly wrestling a beast within me.
Sometimes it gets the better of me and rears it's head and I literally can't contain it!
I understand what you mean about being a better person, I know that if i was a better person, I wouldn't be where I am now!
If you can seek help from professionals on the matter try to and in the meantime try not to be to hard on yourself!
Take care

 

[Soulless Angel]

I could have written what you have written, I loathe everything about who I am, people say the only person who can change is yourself, but when you get into a comfortable habit no matter how bad it is, that comfort wins over trying to change.
For me, personally though, when I have tried to be that better person, but no one around recognises it, I don't see the point of bothering to try anymore, and fuck it, I am who I am, I loathe myself, but have adapted to accept this is who I am,
Yes I talk more to people, and more sociable when on a rum bender, but when I am not.... where are those so called friends? Maybe if they hit us up when we are sober, to remind us they are there regardless, maybe our attitudes would change

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I have become dull, lifeless and sour. Was never like this.
Not someone I would like or befriend. So I isolate. Seeing who I was and what I let myself become is unbearable.

 

[Oblivion]

Is that BPD?? holy fuck, i'm exactly like that, insane deep emotions, after a while i stay away and don't even wanna talk, i've suffered from this all my life and doctors only diagnosed me with bipolar and ADHD.

 

[bakednborderline]

i could have written this. i have bpd. it is my death sentence

 

[Aeathelina]

It feels like I could have written this.
I've become the very person I once swore to never become.....my mother

 

[little helpers]

but when you get into a comfortable habit no matter how bad it is, that comfort wins over trying to change.

I'm making this my proverb of the day.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living can be very painful as there is no escape from ourselves and our thoughts. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best.

 

[medjooled11]

This really resonates with me.
I am disgusted by myself, and the only people in my life act as if I am choosing to be this way (or seem to think I like being this way!).

I am trying so hard, and no one cares. I don't understand.

The post title alone made me break into tears. I'm so tired . . .

 

[maakies]

Why are we all like this? Do you think collectively we could all heal from this? Day after day it's becoming more desperate. I just feel like a monster.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I was diagnosed with BPD as well (after they said I had major depression, then bipolar), I'm always on a rollercoaster too. It didn't get better after years of therapy and medication, so I fired my therapist and stopped taking my medications.

I don't have an official diagnosis, but I've suspected for awhile that I have BPD. I go from needing someone desperately, to being indifferent towards them the next day.

A couple of signs of BPD are interesting, specifically abandonment issues and self-image. Like you I go back and forth between needing friends and then going silent. I think a lot of BPD has to do with your formative years (childhood), and how healthy your relationships with your family and friends were then.