autonecrotic
Maggy
- May 15, 2026
- 7
i had a big crisis moment last night because the guy i was in a relationship with i saw he statted following some nsfw girl on twitter so i blocked him on everything and he freaked out and blew me up until i would answer. obviously he DARVO'd me and manipulated, gaslit, whatever he could. funniest part was when he was texting me from the apps that give you free numbers, he was like just answer i wont scream or yell. and he was screaming and yelling the whole time. i just dont understand why i put myself through it. well i do, its a form of self harm for me. but im so destroyed by it. every relationship i have ever had has been like this. it triggers my childhood trauma so badly because i find these people and its like if i can get them to love me, pick me and only me, ill finally be good enough. it wont matter that my parents never loved or wanted me, as long as this one person does i can prove that im not worthless. but anyways i took like 7 1 mg bars of xanax and drank about 3-4 tall cans of malt liquor. my friend found out and picked me up and forced me to stay with her for the night. but now im home, she told my parents everything so now putting me in treatment is in discussion. but i still want to go through with my plan. its just absolute fucking torture that now im here home in bed and my ocd wont stop replaying over and over in my head everything that happened with him and the fact that i cant just ctb already. this all feels so stupid and trivial but i dont care anymore
