Venting Back to torturing myself

[willitpass]

Other than eating disorder-related behaviours like restricting and laxatives, I haven't really self harmed since going into treatment in October. The occasional superficial cut or punching myself when I was extremely escalated, because being in traumatic treatment environments leaves me with absolutely zero ability to handle myself, but nothing like what I was used to doing. I haven't overdosed on OTC pain killers or sleep deprived myself or intentionally tried to infect myself. Often due to lack of availability while in treatment more than anything, but I had some opportunities and chose not to use them. But here I am, back at it again. I've had some further medical issues come up recently that have resulted in me having an indwelling medical device for the time being. If anyone was here this time last year, they may remember my attempt to give myself sepsis as a self-harm method and a hail Mary attempt at hoping to die through a less direct method (for anyone new here, this is not a method, I have medical conditions that leave me more susceptible to infection, giving yourself sepsis is almost impossible if you are not medically compromised, and even if you are, it can still be very difficult. And it would be a VERY painful death with a high probability of surviving with permanent damage if anyone were to save you or you to decide to save yourself. I'm talking limb loss, organ damage, brain damage, etc. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS. I know this is hypocritical of me to dissuade people from doing something I am doing, but I am well aware of all of the risks I am taking, how stupid I am being, and how painful it is if I am to succeed). That time I did it via a cut that I continually reopened and soiled. It did not work, obviously. However, even with my medical issues, the skin is made at protecting against infection. Now that I have a direct access to the body in a way that is highly at risk for infection, especially one leading to a septic infection, I've decided to try again. I don't have any follow up appointments for over a week, so I have plenty of time to attempt this, become septic, and die if it works, and if it doesn't, I have plenty of time to move on and not raise questions from a doctor.

I'm in this shitty limbo right now where I do not want to live yet am JUST stable enough to be too much of a pussy to actively pull the trigger on a real method. It's a fucked fence I keep sitting on. This feels like a more passive suicide. Yeah, I have to go through with infecting it, but the infection wouldn't kill me for hours-days if it did work. There's a disconnect from start to finish. And if it doesn't kill me, it will fucking hurt. And I've missed torturing myself. I've missed feeling so awful, making myself feel on the verge of death. I loathe myself and deserve all of the pain that I can induce in myself. If this doesn't kill me, I deserve whatever agony it brings.

 

[willitpass]

I think I may have made some progress. I'm having extreme pain at the site, bad smelling drainage, and I feel like I may have a fever, but have lost my thermometer so I'm not sure. Only time will tell if the infection sets in or if my body can manage to fight it.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I think I may have made some progress. I'm having extreme pain at the site, bad smelling drainage, and I feel like I may have a fever, but have lost my thermometer so I'm not sure. Only time will tell if the infection sets in or if my body can manage to fight it.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, and that you have felt enough pain in your life that this is something you are doing to yourself.

Feel free to ignore me and I haven't gone through the level of pain you have, and maybe it's just impossible for me to understand. But why are you doing this to yourself? You're smart, and you know this is an absolutely nightmarish way to go. Do you think you deserve this? Although I feel bad saying it, I hope you either die quickly from this or are able to recover. My heart hurts when I read your posts, you deserve better than this <3

 

[willitpass]

people like you should be depraved from any kind of public healthcare. Tax money shoudnt be wasted on those who do this kind of absurd shit to themselfs

I am not abusing the healthcare system because I never plan on getting help for this. I went into the hospital to get this while I was inpatient and have conditions that require it. I was inpatient, I couldn't refuse life saving medical care or I would have been sectioned and forced into getting it. But infecting it is something that will never see the light of day. If what I want to happen happens, I will become septic within the next few days and be dead before anyone finds me. If it doesn't go to plan, the infection will not set in, I'll manage it with home remedies, and only go to the doctor for routine maintenance. So the tax money you claim is being wasted (I live in the US and have private insurance, so no tax money is going anywhere) is still going to people who actually want help. In fact, if this goes as planned, I'll be dead before I ever see a medical professional again and will be saving the mental and physical healthcare systems from ever having to see me again. But thank you for your input without having any true idea of what's happening.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, and that you have felt enough pain in your life that this is something you are doing to yourself.

Feel free to ignore me and I haven't gone through the level of pain you have, and maybe it's just impossible for me to understand. But why are you doing this to yourself? You're smart, and you know this is an absolutely nightmarish way to go. Do you think you deserve this? Although I feel bad saying it, I hope you either die quickly from this or are able to recover. My heart hurts when I read your posts, you deserve better than this <3

I do feel I deserve this. The same thing that brought me to absolutely torturing myself for pretty much all of 2024. I disgust myself. I feel uncomfortable any time I am comfortable. I don't completely know why, I think I've just been fucked in the head for so long my brain doesn't know any different. I've long believed I deserve a long, slow, agonizing death. That's why I've never feared any of the God awful self harm I engage in, because if it doesn't kill me then I deserve the pain in life, and if it does kill me, I deserve the pain in death. And when the alternative to this is the CTB plan my brain is set on and refuses to move on from of self-immolation, this quite honestly would be the more peaceful of the two options.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Sending hugs, WIP. The ones who have been following understand the situation and I'm sorry you encounter so many that do not, new or not. <3 <3

 

[joshardy]

Best of luck, I hope the world is kinder to you in the future.

 

[willitpass]

I feel so sick. I'm freezing, incredibly nauseous and thrown up some, exhausted, weak, dizzy, my head hurts. There's an increasing amount of infected drainage. My heart rate and blood pressure are currently normal, and I don't have a thermometer but I don't believe I have a fever.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I'm a bit surprised to read this... tho then again I've heard surprising things even outside of here

Spoiler: hearsay I discovered on deep web

eg hearing someone online mention surviving 8 oleander leaves... and saying they used Talkium (magnesium) to reduce effects

 

[willitpass]

Had the doctors appointment, I went to keep any suspicion from my doctor or loved ones away. They prescribed antibiotics because they suspected infection (without me mentioning anything), however I won't be taking them. I've had some other very concerning symptoms the last few days indicating a worsening infection. Not septic yet, but a very nasty infection that I will be very surprised if my body is able to fight off on its own. It's very uncomfortable and painful. And the drainage smells absolutely horrible. My systemic infection symptoms were worse but for the time being have eased up. The human body is so unpredictable, and can sometimes hold an infection off to only localized infection for an impressive amount of time before it enters the blood stream and takes over. Once it does happen, it tends to take over very quickly though. I'm just waiting patiently until my body can't fight it off any longer and if enters my blood.

I deserve a painful death. To experience these days, maybe even weeks before I succumb to it, of increasing pain, discomfort, and unsettling things happening to my body only feels right. I've completely lost all sense of myself these past two years, especially so in the last 11 months. I have no direction in life anymore. No job, no goals, no passions, no emotions. All I have left is self hatred. This is the sort of death I deserve. Having to sit there and watch an infection slowly set in. See the scary things it's doing to my body (I won't lie, some of the things that have happened as the infection has worsened have been a little scary to experience, even when I know what's happening and why it's happening, and that I ultimately desire the end result). It just feels right.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Had the doctors appointment, I went to keep any suspicion from my doctor or loved ones away. They prescribed antibiotics because they suspected infection (without me mentioning anything), however I won't be taking them. I've had some other very concerning symptoms the last few days indicating a worsening infection. Not septic yet, but a very nasty infection that I will be very surprised if my body is able to fight off on its own. It's very uncomfortable and painful. And the drainage smells absolutely horrible. My systemic infection symptoms were worse but for the time being have eased up. The human body is so unpredictable, and can sometimes hold an infection off to only localized infection for an impressive amount of time before it enters the blood stream and takes over. Once it does happen, it tends to take over very quickly though. I'm just waiting patiently until my body can't fight it off any longer and if enters my blood.

if I may ask, how much did the doctor's apointment and antibiotics cost (if u bought them vs left the prescription unfulfilled). I might go to the doctors since I discovered an small (few cm) lump when feeling around the rear left of my neck, that didn't exist on the right (it doesn't hurt, just makes me wonder whether to see a doctor, better early than late for me tho)

 

[58Alice85]

You are very strong for choosing such a painful method! I think this method works well for people with a weakened immune system like chronically ill people, active homosexuals, substance abusers, etc

 

[willitpass]

if I may ask, how much did the doctor's apointment and antibiotics cost (if u bought them vs left the prescription unfulfilled). I might go to the doctors since I discovered an small (few cm) lump when feeling around the rear left of my neck, that didn't exist on the right (it doesn't hurt, just makes me wonder whether to see a doctor, better early than late for me tho)

That all depends on the country you live in and your insurance if your country doesn't have universal healthcare.

 

[EmptyBottle]

You are very strong for choosing such a painful method! I think this method works well for people with a weakened immune system like chronically ill people, active homosexuals, substance abusers, etc

I'm not sure how homosexuals have weakened immune system (unless maybe many partners? but that applies to straight people with many partners to, if it does apply)

That all depends on the country you live in and your insurance if your country doesn't have universal healthcare.

oh yep true, think Medicare subsidises a bit, and bulk bills... imo subsidised might be better than taxpayer-only or patient-only options... eases the cost for both people (technically patients pay tax too tho ;) )

 

[willitpass]

You are very strong for choosing such a painful method! I think this method works well for people with a weakened immune system like chronically ill people, active homosexuals, substance abusers, etc

Being an active homosexual lowering your immune system is an outdated homophobic stereotype. If a gay person practices safe sex then they are no more at risk of HIV/AIDS than any other person. Also I would NEVER want anyone else to do this, immunocompromised or not. I have not even gotten to a deadly stage of infection yet and I am in severe pain and experiencing distressing symptoms. Sepsis is a horrible way to die, and if you survive you are risking life altering complications. You could lose limbs. Permanent organ damage. I know this is hypocritical of me to say, but I beg anyone reading this to not do what I am doing. I would not call myself "strong" for doing this. This is the result of years of agony, failed attempts, failed treatment after failed treatment after failed treatment. This is the result of a complete loss of myself and who I used to be, who I wanted to be, who I could have been. This is what hell on earth is. I'd call this weakness more than strength. This is not strength. This is what happens when your mind wants nothing more than to torture you and every attempt at recovery has done nothing but lead you to a new rock bottom. Don't idolize the hell that is CTB, especially not this way.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I'm curious, have you checked out the method guides here? (just to confirm)

Edit: I feel the answer is almost certainly yes... but still, there is a non zero chance it is no

 

[willitpass]

My heart rate is elevated today, and while I haven't checked my blood pressure, my radial pulse feels a little weaker than normal. No fever. Lots of brain fog that can't be explained by other causes though.

 

[EmptyBottle]

It feels unfortunate even reading the slow, decline type of CTB attempt. Hoping it isn't too painful.

 

[willitpass]

Not many updates today. However I seem to be getting a cold of some sort. Sore throat, runny nose, swollen lymph nodes in my neck. That's not really indicative of sepsis settling in, however my hope is that my body trying to fight off this cold will weaken its ability to continue to attempt to fight off the infection and allow it to get worse.

 

[willitpass]

Having really severe pain right now. It's really hard to tell what symptoms are related to the cold vs what are signs of the infection worsening. The pain is very obviously related to the infection, but the tachycardia, fatigue, shortness of breath, etc. are all possible signs of a cold.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Having really severe pain right now. It's really hard to tell what symptoms are related to the cold vs what are signs of the infection worsening. The pain is very obviously related to the infection, but the tachycardia, fatigue, shortness of breath, etc. are all possible signs of a cold.

some symptoms could also be a combo (eg combining the common cold's fatigue with the infection)

 

[willitpass]

Still tachycardic and breathing a bit fast even at rest. Still impossible to tell whether it's any sign of progressive infection or not due to the head cold and dehydration, though.

 

[willitpass]

The cold is starting to ease up a bit. I'm in a lot of pain this morning. This waiting game is horrible.

 

[EmptyBottle]

mm, yep, the thread (and associated pain/symptoms) seems to be going for days.
Feel free to describe the pain btw.