Venting Back and forth

[Serio]

I keep going back and forth to beinh happy and extremely suicidal and tired to where I can't even get out of bed like I just feel so drained and want it to end honestly ending up going back to cutting I feel just exhausted and can't stop thinking about being sad and I feel so alone to i don't have any friends except online and my head always hurts normally and when I go back to beinh happy its normally fir only a few minutes then I will just be extremely depressed all day I want to die but another thing I realized I'm afraid of suicide is what if when I do die I find out I actually did have friends or people that cared and make them sad and now I can't do anything I just my head hurts and I neg3r 2wnna open my eyes or do anything I don't know anymore everyrhing is just so confusing and like I also go back ans forth between being like overly caring for people and what they think and wsngung to help everyone to not giving a shit to wanting hugs and not wanting people to touch me. And everything is just so confusing

 

[PrettyMoose]

That's totally understandable. The good in life is nice while we experience it, but the bad holds far more weight. It is a fundamental asymmetry in life, chronic pain exists and chronic pleasure does not. Also we are all alone within ourselves, no one can really truly know another person. In that sense we all die alone regardless of if others are nearby during our deaths or not.

You going from overly helpful to withdrawing is understandable too. Overly helpful people are often taken advantage of which can be hurtful and make them want to say "fuck it" and stop trying.