pancakelover20
going to sleep
- Jul 16, 2025
- 4
its kinda weird, in my mind im so unemotional at this point about my own death, until i actually say it out loud and see someones face react. im so matter-a-fact about the fact im going to die soon that sometimes i get freaked out over my own callousness to it. i research my method and add to my plan and write my notes as if its just a homework assignment. 3 weeks ago after getting intoxicated with 2 of my friends i said "im going to kill myself" abruptly and started to cry after i genuinely heard the words come out of my mouth. its weird when your truth, the thing you think about nearly constantly that you hold so close to you just comes out and manifests itself for others to see. they obviously tried to talk me down from what i was speaking about, but of course im not a case of feeling so bad suddenly and talking about suicide as an impulsion like they think. im very certain over my decision, im setting my plan up very carefully and being as prepared as i can be. i feel sort of inhuman because of it. obviously i know planning and executing ones death is not "natural" for a human being, but it makes me feel so void. like i can sit here watching someone who cares for me cry over the fact im saying this and yet still be so certain and firm in my decision and go on this week planning and researching and writing away. i feel like a part of my warmth and humanity is cut from me. my callousness to death and self violence may be boarder-line disgusting. if i were completely honest about this and told anyone in my personal life this information, id be looked down upon. its unsettling. i feel bad about it, but in the end it only adds to my motivation to go through with all of this in the end i guess.
