Venting at what point do i just give up on the idea of being happy

[blue-moon-miki]

i'm so sick of everything. everytime i think it's getting better i just get knocked down again and it's always worse and it's always harder. my life is good and i shouldn't even be complaining. i have a good life, i have friends, a girlfriend.. why am i complaining? why do i feel like this? i have everything and i'm still not happy. i still want to die. at what point do i just give up, because if this isn't making me happy then idk what can. i will always be depressed for the rest of my life, if i live to 100 i'll be depressed every second of the way. it never gets "better". that's such a lie. i always fall for it anyway. i always think i'm better. i never am. i never will be.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

It's all up to you, mate. personally? I'll never give up hope on trying to feel for myself again until there's a shotgun in my mouth. I'm multitasking- trying to feel again and working to accepting death and ctb. you have every right to want to give up hope, mate. you do. it's all up to you when you start buying your materials though. love and peace, mate

 

[TAW122]

I kinda relate to you, though on different things and while our lives are unique to us and different from each other... I would say that on the oustide, from the outsider observer, people who see me IRL see me as just an average person living an average life (especially if they don't know me..). But internally, philosophically, and even behind closed doors, I'm a failure of an adult by many metrics of society (dependent on parents, living under their roof, barely making enough money to be on my own, and failing in many aspects that an average adult has; no SO, no social life, not much achievements I could call my own, etc., even my own faculties both mentally and physically are slowly starting to wane...).

I have since given up on being 'happy' but just enough to not suffer as much and when my time is right and such, I will just do the deed (CTB) and end my own suffering. Anyways, I hope you find peace in whatever you choose to do.

 

[blue-moon-miki]

It's all up to you, mate. personally? I'll never give up hope on trying to feel for myself again until there's a shotgun in my mouth. I'm multitasking- trying to feel again and working to accepting death and ctb. you have every right to want to give up hope, mate. you do. it's all up to you when you start buying your materials though. love and peace, mate

thank you <3 i'm gonna keep trying to live, deep down i know i want to. i wish you love and peace too

 

[blue-moon-miki]

I kinda relate to you, though on different things and while our lives are unique to us and different from each other... I would say that on the oustide, from the outsider observer, people who see me IRL see me as just an average person living an average life (especially if they don't know me..). But internally, philosophically, and even behind closed doors, I'm a failure of an adult by many metrics of society (dependent on parents, living under their roof, barely making enough money to be on my own, and failing in many aspects that an average adult has; no SO, no social life, not much achievements I could call my own, etc., even my own faculties both mentally and physically are slowly starting to wane...).

I have since given up on being 'happy' but just enough to not suffer as much and when my time is right and such, I will just do the deed (CTB) and end my own suffering. Anyways, I hope you find peace in whatever you choose to do.

i understand.. :( that's very relatable, i'm sorry. finding a neutral state is good, better than suffering. i wish you peace as well

 

[MessyNonsense]

If there's nothing you can identify in your life that's making you so miserable, then you probably have like a chemical imbalance in your brain or something, right? I mean, that's very common and very treatable. You might not even need medication, though it could help temporarily while you do the other stuff that will actually help fix the underlying problem. I'm sorry you're so miserable

 

[dirkw83]

Well... as they say. Hope dies last :/

 

[blue-moon-miki]

If there's nothing you can identify in your life that's making you so miserable, then you probably have like a chemical imbalance in your brain or something, right? I mean, that's very common and very treatable. You might not even need medication, though it could help temporarily while you do the other stuff that will actually help fix the underlying problem. I'm sorry you're so miserable

therapy has definitely helped me from turning to substances or self harm, and has redirected me to more productive coping mechanisms when i'm feeling like this. i'm very grateful for it, as that's infinitely better than falling to addiction or anything like that. but it hasn't made the feelings themselves go away, so i just feel batshit insane when i'm sitting in a room of arts and crafts wanting to off myself lmaoo

 

[MessyNonsense]

therapy has definitely helped me from turning to substances or self harm, and has redirected me to more productive coping mechanisms when i'm feeling like this. i'm very grateful for it, as that's infinitely better than falling to addiction or anything like that. but it hasn't made the feelings themselves go away, so i just feel batshit insane when i'm sitting in a room of arts and crafts wanting to off myself lmaoo

I'd glad you've found therapy to be of some help. If it hasn't made the underlying feelings go away, though, there's no reason to stop exploring options. I have... complex feelings towards therapy as a treatment method. Often people experience exactly what you just described, it helps them learn more constructive coping methods, etc. but doesn't actually remove the underlying problem. If i may ask, what are the kinds of thoughts/feelings you have? Do they really not come from anything in your life, as far as you can tell? It's as if you just feel bad for no reason?

 

[blue-moon-miki]

I'd glad you've found therapy to be of some help. If it hasn't made the underlying feelings go away, though, there's no reason to stop exploring options. I have... complex feelings towards therapy as a treatment method. Often people experience exactly what you just described, it helps them learn more constructive coping methods, etc. but doesn't actually remove the underlying problem. If i may ask, what are the kinds of thoughts/feelings you have? Do they really not come from anything in your life, as far as you can tell? It's as if you just feel bad for no reason?

the thoughts/feelings i have are a lot of suicidal ideation and mentally turning to suicide as the immediate solution for every problem in my life. my depression definitely is influenced by outside factors, but it amplifies the tiniest things to make them seem like life or death. sometimes i can't even pinpoint what caused an episode because it can be so miniscule. that being said, sometimes depressive episodes just happen and there really is no explanation for it. i can't get out of bed, or move, my room is a mess and time blurs together. i often dissociate a lot. i'll go out with friends, but not be present at all.
some outside factors though have been seasons (shout out seasonal depression), isolation, menstrual cycle (i might have pmdd) and change of schedule. my therapist told me that my current episode is likely from having no fixed schedule as i'm on summer break from uni. she's probably right, but the depression makes it really hard to like.. make a schedule or do anything at all. like you mentioned earlier, therapy has helped me be more aware, but like.. a lot of times i still end up rotting in bed unable to do anything, because that chemical imbalance is kicking my ass.

 

[MessyNonsense]

the thoughts/feelings i have are a lot of suicidal ideation and mentally turning to suicide as the immediate solution for every problem in my life. my depression definitely is influenced by outside factors, but it amplifies the tiniest things to make them seem like life or death. sometimes i can't even pinpoint what caused an episode because it can be so miniscule. that being said, sometimes depressive episodes just happen and there really is no explanation for it. i can't get out of bed, or move, my room is a mess and time blurs together. i often dissociate a lot. i'll go out with friends, but not be present at all.
some outside factors though have been seasons (shout out seasonal depression), isolation, menstrual cycle (i might have pmdd) and change of schedule. my therapist told me that my current episode is likely from having no fixed schedule as i'm on summer break from uni. she's probably right, but the depression makes it really hard to like.. make a schedule or do anything at all. like you mentioned earlier, therapy has helped me be more aware, but like.. a lot of times i still end up rotting in bed unable to do anything, because that chemical imbalance is kicking my ass.

That totally sounds like chemical imbalance, and there's so many things you can do for that. I mean you said you might have pmdd, if you could find out for sure and get treatment could be a huge turnaround for you. And medication, and checking if it's something you're eating that's putting stress on your body, hell even something like homeopathy or flower essences (which some people bug out about but there's a lot of misinformation about them being malarkey when the situation is way more complicated than that and they genuinely affect some people in profound ways) could make enough of a difference to get you to that next step. It's always about asking "What's the *next* right thing?" and then just worrying about doing that, because that will give you the strength to do the next right thing, and then the next right thing, etc. Believe me i know how hard it is to do anything when you feel that bad---do you have anyone who'd be able to make appointments for you or stuff like that?
You also sound like you could be burnt out, is that possible? I ask bc if that's the case then putting a ton of pressure on yourself to make and stick to a schedule actually isn't gonna be helpful.