solanastan16
Member
- May 4, 2021
- 23
Sorry for multiple posts in a day it's just been a rough couple days for me.
For years and years I've hoped and prayed to the God I believed in to help me keep my sanity. I remembered always thinking my sanity was hanging on the thinnest piece of thread. I feel that it has finally given up. I don't ever feel sane. I have bouts of self pity then rage then nothingness. I've never understood it. Today, for example, I ignored all my responsibilities, iced my parents and siblings and I don't even know why. I just felt rage directed at them for allowing me into this world. Then an episode of sadness knowing how much of a burden I must be. Then after awhile I felt nothing. Completed tasks, avoided the thoughts through watching shows. Then now regret because I'm burning bridges with the only people that "care" about me. I don't even know if they care. It's either they don't want to be related to a misfit/failure (because optics IS SO IMPORTANT IN MY CULTURE, to the point thay important decision made SHOULD be in consideration of whay other people will think) or they just want me out of the house in general.
I wish I had friends in real life I could talk to this about but they never understand, have ill intentions, or are tired with dealing with this. I just think everyone is out to get me and no one is truly on my side. I've been alone and will probably be alone for the duration of my stay here. I wish it were easy for me to make friends. It's not. It never was. I was just good at manipulating the optics. But now, especially with my current situation, I can't manipulate the optics anymore. I'm with this family 24/7 and I can't hide my shame like I did when I had to be in school for 12 hours. I finally broke.
For years and years I've hoped and prayed to the God I believed in to help me keep my sanity. I remembered always thinking my sanity was hanging on the thinnest piece of thread. I feel that it has finally given up. I don't ever feel sane. I have bouts of self pity then rage then nothingness. I've never understood it. Today, for example, I ignored all my responsibilities, iced my parents and siblings and I don't even know why. I just felt rage directed at them for allowing me into this world. Then an episode of sadness knowing how much of a burden I must be. Then after awhile I felt nothing. Completed tasks, avoided the thoughts through watching shows. Then now regret because I'm burning bridges with the only people that "care" about me. I don't even know if they care. It's either they don't want to be related to a misfit/failure (because optics IS SO IMPORTANT IN MY CULTURE, to the point thay important decision made SHOULD be in consideration of whay other people will think) or they just want me out of the house in general.
I wish I had friends in real life I could talk to this about but they never understand, have ill intentions, or are tired with dealing with this. I just think everyone is out to get me and no one is truly on my side. I've been alone and will probably be alone for the duration of my stay here. I wish it were easy for me to make friends. It's not. It never was. I was just good at manipulating the optics. But now, especially with my current situation, I can't manipulate the optics anymore. I'm with this family 24/7 and I can't hide my shame like I did when I had to be in school for 12 hours. I finally broke.
