im sorry if im bad at wording or the grammar is very bad.. oh and the suck storytelling too
last evening two person in my class asked that question and i just answer "yeah". what am i supposed to answer? i know theyre so kind to asked that..so thoughtful of them
writing this, im still wondering, if i answer "no i need help im so close to killing myself." what r they sopposed to do? listen to my sad story? then what? its not like telling anyone anything will solve any problem ha ha
ive been distancing myself from everyone the past 7 weeks in college.. i didnt eat with anyone, i talked a little..only for formality (group discussion, greeting people back a little). ive been locking myself in my own room too (i live away from my parents), and really not going out unless its really really necesarry..
im just tired from my own mind, im tired of pretending, playing human.
im "fine" before, but these past 4 semesters, its just hits me, the truth that ive been avoiding to acknowledge.. that noone really cares about me. theres this one friendgroup that i cherised so much, i always went out with them, being in the same group in assignment.. then theres this one moment where one of them literally said we're not that close.. and all of this time i was just one siding all of this affection, its really funny. i made the groupchat.. noone talks. i tried to send things, asking things..noone answered.
its always like that, my whole life.. one siding. its always been me trying alone. when i was in junior high i had to comfort my mom and dad one by one because my dad left my mom. im begging my dad to stay, he refused. i comforted my mom so she wont kill herself. i was kinda being bullied too back then, though it was subtle.
in high school (religious boarding school) its all the same but i started my first cut here. i cried a lot of times in the communal bathroom. i beg my parents to get me out of there but they dont want to.... i always cry like a child in the car whenever they drop me back there. but they wont listen. i never had any autonomy... i hate it.
and now i always look back on those things and realized i was the very person that suffered it.. im not an audience. i am that person, that actor, and i hate it. i hate being in this body. i hate that those experience made me who i am now. i am not recovering. now im really struggling with my increasing insecurity day by day, i cant even bear to look up anymore, i look at the ground or my phone.
i know time is ticking, the end for a person like me is only death by my hand. sooner or later.. this is just a buildup to that end.
to be honest i didnt think my experience in life is that bad.. i think im just acting too much.. because i know im very sensitive.
its so funny why is this mental relapse really have to happen in the end of the semester. i really have no energy nor the will to do my semester portofolio.
thank u for reading. i hope u have a nicer day than yesterday.
last evening two person in my class asked that question and i just answer "yeah". what am i supposed to answer? i know theyre so kind to asked that..so thoughtful of them
writing this, im still wondering, if i answer "no i need help im so close to killing myself." what r they sopposed to do? listen to my sad story? then what? its not like telling anyone anything will solve any problem ha ha
ive been distancing myself from everyone the past 7 weeks in college.. i didnt eat with anyone, i talked a little..only for formality (group discussion, greeting people back a little). ive been locking myself in my own room too (i live away from my parents), and really not going out unless its really really necesarry..
im just tired from my own mind, im tired of pretending, playing human.
im "fine" before, but these past 4 semesters, its just hits me, the truth that ive been avoiding to acknowledge.. that noone really cares about me. theres this one friendgroup that i cherised so much, i always went out with them, being in the same group in assignment.. then theres this one moment where one of them literally said we're not that close.. and all of this time i was just one siding all of this affection, its really funny. i made the groupchat.. noone talks. i tried to send things, asking things..noone answered.
its always like that, my whole life.. one siding. its always been me trying alone. when i was in junior high i had to comfort my mom and dad one by one because my dad left my mom. im begging my dad to stay, he refused. i comforted my mom so she wont kill herself. i was kinda being bullied too back then, though it was subtle.
in high school (religious boarding school) its all the same but i started my first cut here. i cried a lot of times in the communal bathroom. i beg my parents to get me out of there but they dont want to.... i always cry like a child in the car whenever they drop me back there. but they wont listen. i never had any autonomy... i hate it.
and now i always look back on those things and realized i was the very person that suffered it.. im not an audience. i am that person, that actor, and i hate it. i hate being in this body. i hate that those experience made me who i am now. i am not recovering. now im really struggling with my increasing insecurity day by day, i cant even bear to look up anymore, i look at the ground or my phone.
i know time is ticking, the end for a person like me is only death by my hand. sooner or later.. this is just a buildup to that end.
to be honest i didnt think my experience in life is that bad.. i think im just acting too much.. because i know im very sensitive.
its so funny why is this mental relapse really have to happen in the end of the semester. i really have no energy nor the will to do my semester portofolio.
thank u for reading. i hope u have a nicer day than yesterday.
