Discussion Anyone that was a happy normal person before with a great life and never thought of suicide once? What went wrong?

[HopeToStay]

I've been passively suicidal in the past but i'd mostly got through all that. Life events had to change for me to sign up to a suicide forum and really think about it, to the point where now it feels unlikely I won't have done it over the next few years.

So somewhere in between, i don't want to die i want my circumstances to go back to as before, but maybe i have a reduced/unrealistic tolerance to life setbacks.

I was happy and relatively healthy until 4 years ago, just some fatigue and depression here and there. Probably undiagnosed autism. Often felt good. Turns out I had some genetic defects leading to slow detox. Then a domino effect of bad genes, bad environment and bad luck have led to chronic immune system dysfunction and infections that seem untreatable and symptoms that I can't live with.
It's tricky cos some of it is undiagnosable in the mainstream currently so i can't even talk about it with other people in a way they understand, and I get gaslit by doctors, so that's isolating. The contrast between me and my life a few years ago, and now, is huge. Covid probably had a role to play but there's much more on top of that.

Damn there are many parallels to me here. I was also gaslit by my doctor, completely different thing to what you had but it had dreadful consequences. And yes it's very isolating. Actually made me quite a bitter and cynical person, that even a doctor could mess you about...

 

[exe99109]

Got a really bad hamstring tendon injury in one leg. After 5 months I thought I had recovered. Went walking for 2 hrs. 2 days later hurt same injury. 1 month later hurt right leg hamstring. 2 weeks later hurt both legs again but worse. Arms went numb once. Started having elbow pain in both arms. Had limited use. 6 months later arms became a little bit better. Started trying to walk with walker. Hurt both legs again. Feet, knees, calfs will be unusable and with pain. 4 Dr visits, 3 specialist visits, a lot of blood tests, many xrays, mris, ct scans, and a hospital visit but have received no help with helping me walk without getting hurt. I just rather expedite what is already going to happen without having to go through the pain and suffering.

 

[amerie]

I was happy until 19 when my ocd, depression and anxiety started i don't know what triggered i had a cold and a week or so all kicked in

Probably your family had a history of it and the cold fucked up your nervous system and brain and triggered the genetic potential

 

[iwantitover]

Honestly till I was ten then in the last year of primary or grade school I was put in a special educational needs school and that fucked me up mentally to the point where I was put on anti depression meds and therapy from the age of 12 I've been sucidel and attempted for the first time when I was 13 I've tried 6 more times I've seen a lot which has traumatised me I have severe ocd and anxiety and probably have depression of some kind and im starting to think I may have ptsd due to multiple traumatic events in my life which has also I think probably affected my way of loving the opposite gender and may have affected my last short relationship with a girl so yea I'm suicidal and probably will be till I kill kms

 

[Doll Steak]

Ever since I was really young I always felt strange, not of sadness, not of hopelessness, not of despair, Just weirdly different or more self aware.

My first thoughts of suicide were at age 10 or 12 though, not actually serious I would say, it was triggered by something stupid like my parents not letting me play a video game or something but it was likely a culmination of family issues, my general emotional instability, lack of support, and personal issues.
I guess just the straw that broke the camels back.

I was still happy ALOT of the time since I was so young but then it all came back around 15-16, just the same kind of reasons but worse and harder hitting, more personal problems, existential problems, etc. Nothing much has changed since then.

 

[l.a557]

I think it all started when my boyfriend broke up with me when I was 14. I don't care about that guy anymore, but the depression and self-loathing i got from that time never left me. There's lots of mental illness in my family, and i think that event is what triggered mine

 

[beandigger404]

I've always been suicidal and depressed. But the episodes really started kicking in when I was 11-12. That was the first time I tried to kms and was extremely suicidal during a really bad year-long dissociation episode. Everything has only been downhill from then. Self-harm addiction, anorexia, psychosis, literally just living hell. I wish I had a childhood. I barely remember anything because I just go from episode to episode. And during all of this, I just got told that I'm "shy" and "need to come out of my shell" and to "try harder". I have no idea what life is outside of endless self-destruction and agony. I wish I was normal.

 

[concession]

alcoholic dad since i was born didn't give me a good start, but i felt ok until 18 where i got jumped and developed epilepsy
from the brain damage, from the attack.
and a lot more things that happened

fucking brutal man
stay strong

 

[SufferingInDenmark]

fucking brutal man
stay strong

thanks a lot , aprreciate it!

 

[ididnotconsent]

I was happy until 19 when my ocd, depression and anxiety started i don't know what triggered i had a cold and a week or so all kicked in

For some reason a lot of dormant mental stuff pops up during that age. Who knows what causes it. Maybe it's just your brain maturing and realizing how fucked things are.

 

[xiaoxiongmao]

My depression definitely came from the genes. My parents were abusive when I was a kid. But concrete SI developed when I was 19. A lot of things happened in life since, each time I felt spiraling down further. The most recent event was a breaking point for me: the accumulative pain is too much and I've done most I wanted in my life. So I don't plan to live beyond my next birthday.

 

[RunDown]

I am unrecognizable. I was a handsome intelligent young man ready to take on the world. I used to bench 225 and run 5 miles every other day. I was a bit of a prick to be honest but I was excited to be alive. I was extremely social and had a large group of friends.
I am now crippled by CFS and PSSD. I am bed ridden and my health has declined to a point where I know I will CTB soon. I have fought for my health over the last ten years. I've given it my all. Im sad to say that I can no longer endure the battle. Im spent. I was looking at a picture of my past healthy self and broke down crying. The contrast between who I was and who I am now gives me mental whiplash.
On a somewhat positive note, the experience has made me much more empathetic. It's given me perspective that I never would have had before. It got me into philosophy which is what I decided to study in college. I would have scoffed at a forum like this but now I'm so grateful to have a community to talk about these things. Of course I want to be healthy again, but at least I understand my mind and beliefs in ways I wouldn't have had before.

 

[pain247]

Pain

 

[TBONTB]

Finances. At 62 the bottom dropped out of my well planned financial world.

In the 10 years previous I had a great life. I'm so sad it got away

 

[Isolated Parasite]

My brain has been through a slow degradation since like age 9 or 10. I remember thinking about death since then, but the real CTB thoughts started when I was 13-14. I've had ups and downs but the CTB thoughts mostly just have been getting more frequent and vivid/severe since I was 13-14.

The main catalyst was my parents divorce when I was 5, not by itself but what it turned my parents into and what I found out what my parents were like behind closed doors when I was child. Custody was 50/50 until I was 12 or 13 I'm pretty sure, my dad got custody then but I still saw my mom ocassionally. My mom had neglected me since the divorce until I was able to do things on my own like feed myself or whatever, even then she was still neglecting me but I could take care of myself. My dads was different, I was always fed, taken care of, whatever else but I wasn't really allowed to express my emotions outside of the "good" emotions without consequences. He yelled a lot, though he stopped yelling when I was 10ish but he kept invading my personal space and I had no real privacy anywhere until I was like 14 or 15. Now I'm essentially a husk.

TL;DR, childhood for the most part. Repressed trauma that is still resurfacing to this day as well as developing mental illness from 12 or 13 on, and it will most likely lead to my death.

 

[Grog]

My oldest brother deciding to use heroin when I was 9 years old was the most devastating event ever to occur in our family, and it forever changed personalities and family dynamics. The after effects are still felt in full force today. Every one of my immediate family members are either miserable or violent bullies.