Method Anyone randomly switching between CTB vs utter disbelief how that could be on your mind?

[csdfghjjk_user]

Hello, I wonder, do you switch sometimes randomly between being convinced that you want to CTB and then one day out of random you are like what, why did I have these thoughts, no idea what that was about as if you are a different person?

For me it's like if I am in that negative mindset it's like speaking against a wall. No one can convince me that anything is going to get better and any hope hurts and there seems to be a power wanting me to stay and go deeper into this negative state. It made me register on this site two days ago actually.

But if I switch, today for example, I am in disbelief. It's not even that I did anything different really, I was obsessing more over different methods. But now I look at my diary entries and feel like who's that? That's not me. And feel things are going to get better, no idea what that was about and I feel motivated and committed to do all these improvement steps. And start to believe in therapy again.

But I feel that I have no control when and if this switch might happen again. Last summer it was like 1 negative day out of 10 normal ones. And now it's like 100 bad ones and 1 normal and it drives me insane.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Its very complicated with me, but the short is no. We operate a martial government that tries to direct the affairs of state. As is true with any state all present might not agree, but the affairs of the state again must proceed forward.

 

[Rynalia]

Specifically only about CTB vs not-CTB? Nope.

It applies to anything and everything when it comes to me. Every day is a potential coin toss and boy am I lucky if I can get on a consecutive streak of consistency.

Go with the flow, go with the flow.

 

[csdfghjjk_user]

Specifically only about CTB vs not-CTB? Nope.

It applies to anything and everything when it comes to me. Every day is a potential coin toss and boy am I lucky if I can get on a consecutive streak of consistency.

Go with the flow, go with the flow.

Currently CTB vs not-CTB, but it's a whole mental state/attitude. As in "absolute hopelessness" vs "i think life is fine actually, maybe I don't have a problem".

Before I had it too, but never this drastic, as in "no energy and super tired and can't focus" vs "energy and can do 5 tasks in 20min". Then it turned to "negative dramatic hole" vs "i think i'm fine no idea what I was talking about before". And it feels like a coin coss and absolutely out of my hands.

And before people would be like, oh, so you mean like motivation vs no motivation. And I try to say, no it's not, this is different. It's like a full on force pushing you down? Like I know how to handle motivation vs no motivation. This is different.

 

[Tumblewillow]

Yes I do! I've still not figured out what it is. I definitely don't have bipolar, I thought maybe it's premenstrual dysphoric disorder - (do you have a cycle?) But then on weeks where I try to predict feeling fine I've felt horrible.

The happiness is not enough to be mania, I just feel more stable, hopeful, optimistic. I enjoy life more, I'm chatty. I look back at journal entries like "wow, I was clearly unwell a few weeks back. A lot of these things arent a big deal"

Then the spiral downwards is, like complete horror at how bad everything is like, "how could I have been so stupid? My life has been terrible, there's no future in where I can live with this or overcome these problems. I was just lying to myself"

So you're torn between which is genuine. I think its both simultaneously.
My only other theory is that I want to live but unresolved trauma keeps speaking up. (PTSD hijacks the brain) So it's trying to be resolved and unfortunately sinking the ship.

 

[PrismHon]

Yes I think so, but I'm pretty sure I know what it is for me.

My motive for ctb is pretty much that I cannot handle "real life".

My "how can I even think of ctb" moments will always conveniently be in the latter part of the day, "Tomorrow will be different!" and all that.

But when push comes to shove, when real life is actually there and I actually have to do something, be it work, family, finance whatever, can't handle real life, ctb desire much stronger for most of the day.

So in short, my "flights of fancy" are always in moments where real life pressure is lessened. And that in itself strengthens my conviction that I cannot handle real life and that it's time to go. So the flights of fancy are not happening as often now.