Anyone feeling as life gets worse, the will to ctb gets weaker?

[supermario]

I'm kind of in this situation, and it terrifies me. My situation is getting progressively worse, but conversely, my will to ctb is becoming weaker and weaker. It's like I'm becoming increasingly numb to the pain. In the beginning I was a hair away from executing my plans to ctb - now 3 months in and at the peak of my pain, I've almost become indifferent to it all.

 

[Simba]

I'm kind of in this situation, and it terrifies me. My situation is getting progressively worse, but conversely, my will to ctb is becoming weaker and weaker. It's like I'm becoming increasingly numb to the pain. In the beginning I was a hair away from executing my plans to ctb - now 3 months in and at the peak of my pain, I've almost become indifferent to it all.

Yes its like feeling empty to it all and even when you want to ctb its like as if you arent "motivated " or something.. like you don't have the energy to even do that either.. yeah i can relate somewhat to the indifferentnace ..

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yes I feel myself adapting to the misery… Becoming a very different person than I was before… Walking dead…
The resignation and apathy is so deep, It's difficult to muster the energy to CTB…

 

[Insomniac]

I'm kind of in this situation, and it terrifies me. My situation is getting progressively worse, but conversely, my will to ctb is becoming weaker and weaker. It's like I'm becoming increasingly numb to the pain. In the beginning I was a hair away from executing my plans to ctb - now 3 months in and at the peak of my pain, I've almost become indifferent to it all.

This is so accurate. resilience and adaptation are a humans worst enemies.

 

[Crazy4u]

I am the opposite. any tiny improvement makes me invalidate myself and my suicidal thoughts as if my concerns are not real. I hate myself for that!!!

 

[motel rooms]

In the beginning I was a hair away from executing my plans to ctb - now 3 months in and at the peak of my pain, I've almost become indifferent to it all.

Just curious, is your pain physical? I might be wrong, but it's probably harder to become indifferent to intense physical pain. (Not that psychological suffering isn't horrible.)

 

[supermario]

Just curious, is your pain physical?

No it's mental/ OCD.

 

[Passersby]

No. As life gets worse for me and when my suffering goes up or stays the same then the need for CTB increases for me. It increases just simply due to the fact that I am now just spanning time suffering. Spanning time long term in a dark hole suffering means CTB increases. Yes we do adapt though. It's not fun though. It's just humans SI and the fact that we are wired to survive. CTB isn't easy just like some people say.

 

[motel rooms]

No it's mental/ OCD.

I'm sorry, that must be exhausting...

 

[D&D]

Yes I feel myself adapting to the misery… Becoming a very different person than I was before… Walking dead…
The resignation and apathy is so deep, It's difficult to muster the energy to CTB…

This.
It is terrifying.

 

[ddd1234]

I have strong willingness to Ctb. Unfortunately I spoke it many times to my family and they guard me 24/7. They want to put me in a psych ward which would be a nightmare in my condition (high anxiety and angriness, i cannot sleep, i walk all night around the room and speak out loud)

 

[Someone123]

As time goes on in a bad situation like this a persons's overall strength (mentally/ emotionally) may get weaker, and it takes a certain amount of strength to ctb, so that's why I want to ctb before I lose the energy to be able to do it.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a really painful situation to be in. I believe the opposite in my case, when things get worse for me, the pain of living will make me get desperate and only then will I be able to go through with it. It is true that ctb is very difficult and I believe it requires a certain mental state to be able to go through with it. All humans are programmed to survive after all. I see the SI as being as a curse as it stops us from ending suffering.

 

[Bahbah Blacksheep]

I feel like I've lost the drive and determination I had when I was younger even when it comes to ctb. Things get progressively worse, and I find myself less and less able to do anythung about it.

 

[After Life]

I feel the same way on occasions when I just don't have the ability or energy to do anything else but adapt to the situation as things get worse. Light up when I see a glimpse of hope just to fall down back into the misery of reality that it's not going to get better, don't know why I keep going, trying every single day SI I guess. Want to ctb trying to save up for N trying to get my hands on SN trying to stick to my plans of ctb in the near future but I get so exhausted at times that even ctb seems impossible to execute. It's mentally exhausting to feel so horribly helpless that I just give up on everything. Working paying the bills keeping up appearances while life screws me on every corner I turn just leaves me numb and tired mentally to even stick to my plans to ctb. Hopefully I will find my way through this maze of ultimate despair and find my way out, don't wanna try to ctb in desperation which I have thought about a million times while waiting for the subway, don't want to fail or make things worse for myself are the thoughts that keeps me from just falling on the tracks .

Just afraid that on days when things get to out of hand and out of my control I just may and get it over with, with no planning or any thought for how it will affect those beside at that moment in time. No perfect, painless ctb just to get it over with and live or die with the aftermath that may follow or not. Sorry for the long post just needed to write some of my thoughts out of my mind.

 

[thefoodispoison]

This makes sense. You know how a common side effect of starting antidepressants is suicide? It's because they've made you feel just better enough to have the energy to do it.

When you're deep in the throws of depression, it's harder to do everything, including ctb.

 

[rationaltake]

Just curious, is your pain physical? I might be wrong, but it's probably harder to become indifferent to intense physical pain. (Not that psychological suffering isn't horrible.)

My psychological suffering is experienced as physical pain too. That's why people with deep depression or bipolar low take to their beds.