anyone else suicidal yet high functioning and busy?

[jesteroutofwork]

It seems contradictory but that's how life is going for me since last few years. Feeling like i do not really belong anywhere just makes every second more dull. Despite thinking about suicide on a daily basis, i'm probably the most productive i have ever been. I count my calories everyday, i train at the gym 4x a week and im doing at least 6000 steps everyday. But you know, it's mainly to make the pain go away lmao. I feel soo shit when im not training. It makes me too aware of my life and i just can't handle it. Sport is really important to me because it's the only thing that actually makes me excited for the day and im so thankful for this. i'd have ctb a long time ago if not for the sports. And a good training helps me be even more productive during the day, i can just focus better and forget about problems. I'm really curious if there is anyone else like me, because it feels like im in some kind of grey zone of the suicidality lmao. if i ever called suicide hotline and told them about my thoughts they would probably send me to a mental hospital to treat me for depression, but at the same time i'm too high functioning to be depressed really. That feeling of not belonging is just a harsh burden to carry everyday, to remind yourself of the times you were rejected from a friend group or just abandoned. It's almost like a part of my brain dedicated to social life just kind off starved.
tl dr: exercise regularly, please

 

[turned_to_one]

i totally get you.

i was very similar as a teenager, and I think the constant exercise, homework, and regular busy-body stuff was just a coping mechanism. but it turns out that "laziness" is not a requirement to be considered depressed, just like not everyone gains or loses a lot of weight from depression.

im more tired constantly these days, but i am still the sole provider, primary pet care taker and sole driver of my household. so the work never stops.

im thinking one day i'll just abandon everything and/or drive off of a cliff, and that will be the moment i stop moving for once

 

[miyabi]

It seems contradictory but that's how life is going for me since last few years. Feeling like i do not really belong anywhere just makes every second more dull. Despite thinking about suicide on a daily basis, i'm probably the most productive i have ever been. I count my calories everyday, i train at the gym 4x a week and im doing at least 6000 steps everyday. But you know, it's mainly to make the pain go away lmao. I feel soo shit when im not training. It makes me too aware of my life and i just can't handle it. Sport is really important to me because it's the only thing that actually makes me excited for the day and im so thankful for this. i'd have ctb a long time ago if not for the sports. And a good training helps me be even more productive during the day, i can just focus better and forget about problems. I'm really curious if there is anyone else like me, because it feels like im in some kind of grey zone of the suicidality lmao. if i ever called suicide hotline and told them about my thoughts they would probably send me to a mental hospital to treat me for depression, but at the same time i'm too high functioning to be depressed really. That feeling of not belonging is just a harsh burden to carry everyday, to remind yourself of the times you were rejected from a friend group or just abandoned. It's almost like a part of my brain dedicated to social life just kind off starved.
tl dr: exercise regularly, please

Yeah, it's a coping mechanism. I work 80 hour weeks, up to 100 at my peak. I also take gear for the gym. You're right, it doesn't make up for feeling like you don't belong socially, but it does kind of keep your mind off it out of sheer lack of time.

 

[Spite]

Yeah, it's a coping mechanism. I work 80 hour weeks, up to 100 at my peak.

It should be illegal to have to work that many hours in a week. I'm at a loss for words... how much free time do you get to rest and unwind throughout the week? I'm sorry... :(

 

[TooFarAway]

Yes. I'm not really working at the moment, but I somehow manage to study full-time at university and still pass every class. Apart from the people who know, no one else suspects a thing, and they'd probably be in disbelief if I CTB.

 

[SASU-KE]

Yeah, I'm working a good job and I've also a few properties and real estate that were given to me by my parents that I'm taking care of. I'm also athletic and I won fitness competitions and walkathons for charity.

I go to the gym regularly.Have hobbies.I'm quite active in general.

But I've also been on autopilot for the last few years. I don't really enjoy anything anymore. Also got a sky high survival instinct. I'm in limbo basically,hoping to die but not ctb.

 

[jesteroutofwork]

I'm wondering how did you all respond to therapy and medication? I haven't done a proper therapy yet but I gotta say fluoxetine improved my productivity. I just don't worry that much about life to the point of being lazy all day. Also, being active just eats your time and you literally have less time to spend ruminating. I'm still suicidal, especially when i'm not distracting myself with some form of activities, but SSRI allowed me to distract myself more often and stronger i guess lmao. But still, if i get injured or sick then i'm just gonna be in fucking agony thinking about my life. I'm really scared of being forced to stop exercising because it would feel like a mental torture to me. No way to safely escape reality.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry to hear about your and everyone else's struggles with life~ :( if only it could be better for everyone, but just something or many things are so cruel as to send us all here~ :(

I mean, I'd say I function well enough but without much of a social life, it really just feels my "life" has been a lot more like death after after middle school~ :( I just hope God has mercy on me in the end, and I can have kids...

 

[TooFarAway]

I'm wondering how did you all respond to therapy and medication? I haven't done a proper therapy yet but I gotta say fluoxetine improved my productivity. I just don't worry that much about life to the point of being lazy all day. Also, being active just eats your time and you literally have less time to spend ruminating. I'm still suicidal, especially when i'm not distracting myself with some form of activities, but SSRI allowed me to distract myself more often and stronger i guess lmao. But still, if i get injured or sick then i'm just gonna be in fucking agony thinking about my life. I'm really scared of being forced to stop exercising because it would feel like a mental torture to me. No way to safely escape reality.

I feel like everything I struggle with is pretty much treatment-resistant. I think my ability to keep going stems from accepting that things aren't going to get better, so I just live day by day and take comfort in knowing that I'll CTB eventually. I still take meds, but I don't know if they actually do anything. I know I'd definitely feel worse if I did nothing with my time. Just know that you aren't alone <3

 

[Codename_Joryu]

Exactly how I live rn. Busy, always having things to do and stuff to enjoy, and yet still suicidal.

 

[Climber]

I feel like that too. I have the job I wanted, amazing grades, tracking my calories and gym progress. Go out with friends 2+ times a week. Have online friends and an amazing family. I'm supported and well off financially, I've traveled the world and yet I just don't feel satisfaction. I don't know how I've managed to keep going or done the things I've done. It feels scarily hopeless because I feel like if I don't feel good right now then I never will because my life is amazing. Nothing can make me forgive myself.

Exactly how I live rn. Busy, always having things to do and stuff to enjoy, and yet still suicidal.

What helps you keep going?

 

[Codename_Joryu]

What helps you keep going?

I got a job, new pc that can run pretty much anything I want, I got back into gym a while ago and have friends who invite me to hang out from time to time. I guess my suicidal intentions just come from overall hatred of this world, rather than hatred of myself.

 

[Climber]

I got a job, new pc that can run pretty much anything I want, I got back into gym a while ago and have friends who invite me to hang out from time to time. I guess my suicidal intentions just come from overall hatred of this world, rather than hatred of myself.

Interesting, thanks for the reply. I'm the complete opposite, I feel as though the world is beautiful but I hate myself too much to want to be in it.

 

[jesteroutofwork]

i've finished my training in the morning and the rest of the day is so shit man. i've got barely anyone to text and when i do text someone it feels superficial af. i've got tears in my eyes but not enough to really cry. I just hate living like that so much. Idk why everything's gotta be that dull. I wish i'd have someone to just pour all my energy and dedication to and forget about all other aspects of life. The worst thing is that you can barely tell anyone about these thoughts irl. I hate it so fucking much. Just a simple mention of suicidal ideation already makes everyone crazy. And people tell you the same stuff over and over again with every occurence of you touching this topic.
It feels like a fucking humiliation ritual honestly. To see people connect and make memories while you feel isolated more and more lmao. Sorry for my rant but i'm just pissed at my situation. So many things i was worried about years ago came to be reality.
I want to give uni a chance, see if different setting and town will somehow spark a change in me. I've planned to ctb around current month actually but im curious about studying far away from my home town. I see it as a last chance. And if not, then i guess winter 2026/2027 will be it

 

[Climber]

i've finished my training in the morning and the rest of the day is so shit man. i've got barely anyone to text and when i do text someone it feels superficial af. i've got tears in my eyes but not enough to really cry. I just hate living like that so much. Idk why everything's gotta be that dull. I wish i'd have someone to just pour all my energy and dedication to and forget about all other aspects of life. The worst thing is that you can barely tell anyone about these thoughts irl. I hate it so fucking much. Just a simple mention of suicidal ideation already makes everyone crazy. And people tell you the same stuff over and over again with every occurence of you touching this topic.
It feels like a fucking humiliation ritual honestly. To see people connect and make memories while you feel isolated more and more lmao. Sorry for my rant but i'm just pissed at my situation. So many things i was worried about years ago came to be reality.
I want to give uni a chance, see if different setting and town will somehow spark a change in me. I've planned to ctb around current month actually but im curious about studying far away from my home town. I see it as a last chance. And if not, then i guess winter 2026/2027 will be it

Give it a chance, I'm trying to do the same. it's frustrating, feels like no matter how hard you try it doesn't change. I'm not sure what your case is but in mine I'm having to start medication. Take a day off, take a month off, take a year off. That's still less than if you took it all away. If things don't get better for me I think I'll hike across the world for a few months-years. See where life takes me.

 

[jesteroutofwork]

Give it a chance, I'm trying to do the same. it's frustrating, feels like no matter how hard you try it doesn't change. I'm not sure what your case is but in mine I'm having to start medication. Take a day off, take a month off, take a year off. That's still less than if you took it all away. If things don't get better for me I think I'll hike across the world for a few months-years. See where life takes me.

I'm just taking fluoxetine like i said earlier and it helped but well the lack of purpose remains, it's just quieter. I'm thinking about therapy but there are only CBT therapists near me and CBT feels downright useless and gaslighting

 

[miyabi]

It should be illegal to have to work that many hours in a week. I'm at a loss for words... how much free time do you get to rest and unwind throughout the week? I'm sorry... :(

Emergency services work means they can blatantly ignore labour laws due to extreme staff shortages that we have. I don't complain, because I also volunteer for it and it's not fair to pick and choose when breaking employment laws suits me. It helps distract me and helps me work towards financial freedom, I guess.

There is essentially no free time that I have which is why I'm very stunted in life experiences outside of typical "adult" stuff.

 

[Grasp of darkness]

Same. I am high-functioning to try and fill the void. Maybe another raise will do it. Another one-night-stand. Another new skill learned.
All dropped in the well in hopes of one day filling it. But alas, the well is bottomless.

 

[cheyxnn]

I feel like people try and put depression and suicide into a box with strict characteristics that you must portray otherwise you're not considered 'truly ill'. I believe this goes for any mental illness and labels in general but it really simplifies and invalidates so many people's experiences.

With me personally, I've never been allowed to not be productive - if I didn't go to school, apply to uni, get a job, get good grades etc.. my parents would've screamed at me and probably kicked me out eventually lol. Whilst I'd have no motivation for anything and would just want to lay rotting in bed not moving, I could never get away with it for more than a week before I would've received consequences for it. Whilst to an outside perspective I probably seem 'not ill' or 'not that bad' it's simply because I don't fit their definition of what they deem to be someone who's sufficiently ill enough.

Furthermore, a lot of the time I need distraction - I physically can't not be doing something at all times otherwise I spiral and start becoming really self destructive like sh and not eating etc.. I can't even fall asleep unless I listen to music or get drunk before just so I don't have to sit with silence and the thoughts that come with it.

I hate this whole idea of what people consider is mentally ill enough to be valid when every single person is different and unique and so therefore their symptoms and how they act is going to be vastly different from one person to another - it's not fair to put everyone in the same box then act like some are suffering more than others. It just turns everything into some sort of competition when really everyone is going through suffering and we shouldn't compare as it's counterproductive and makes people feel even worse than they already do. Everyone's struggles are important no matter how the present themselves.

 

[ihateittoo]

im the exact same way. i have an active group of friends and a lot of aspirations, im going to college and even have plans to move out. i feel like being here would be seen as very out of character by the people that know me irl. but i think of it as the side of myself i keep to myself.

 

[seeyoulater26]

I can relate. I take at least 10k steps daily. Eat well. Do rather well at work. Get along well with almost everyone. I am lucky to have friends who offer warmth whenever and I talk with them often. Finances are (slightly) on track. Doing tenfolds better than the last time my depression was at its peak. But you know I feel so, so broken still.

For the past year, I've been putting on my smiley mask and then cry when I get home. Doing the dishes, I cry. Eating dinner, I cry. Doing the laundry, I cry. Going to sleep, I cry. Waking up, I cry.
It sounds so stupid so please don't tell me that anymore because I KNOW.

It's kinda what gets to me and I've been contemplating a lot about it lately. At least, when I was younger, I could say I was "valid" (if that even makes sense). Toxic family, toxic lovelife, and had this whole future to worry about. No resources. Just anxiety so bad it felt the ceiling was falling down on me and crushing me. No way out but death. Truly helpless.

But wow for that future to be today? To have all these, and to still be filled with misery... I can't shake off the nagging feeling that maybe it really is just time for me to go. Maybe I really don't belong here. Like "Okay girlie, you've had your fun. Time to go."

I try to greet each day with a grateful heart, I promise. And I am really proud I pushed through all these years. But when I remember? The grief overwhelms me and I cannot overcome the idea that all I've ever known and all I'll ever know is loss and pain.

I really wish I could be okay again. Not even happy. Just okay. At peace. No hurting for the lives that could've been.
However, when I lose this battle, I hope the people I love know that I tried. I really did. And I'm sorry.

 

[buriedinmyhead]

Yup, going to school socializing, somewhat partaking in hobbies, trying to meet people, all the while hoping I'll be dead in a month or two

 

[jesteroutofwork]

I feel like people try and put depression and suicide into a box with strict characteristics that you must portray otherwise you're not considered 'truly ill'. I believe this goes for any mental illness and labels in general but it really simplifies and invalidates so many people's experiences.

With me personally, I've never been allowed to not be productive - if I didn't go to school, apply to uni, get a job, get good grades etc.. my parents would've screamed at me and probably kicked me out eventually lol. Whilst I'd have no motivation for anything and would just want to lay rotting in bed not moving, I could never get away with it for more than a week before I would've received consequences for it. Whilst to an outside perspective I probably seem 'not ill' or 'not that bad' it's simply because I don't fit their definition of what they deem to be someone who's sufficiently ill enough.

Furthermore, a lot of the time I need distraction - I physically can't not be doing something at all times otherwise I spiral and start becoming really self destructive like sh and not eating etc.. I can't even fall asleep unless I listen to music or get drunk before just so I don't have to sit with silence and the thoughts that come with it.

I hate this whole idea of what people consider is mentally ill enough to be valid when every single person is different and unique and so therefore their symptoms and how they act is going to be vastly different from one person to another - it's not fair to put everyone in the same box then act like some are suffering more than others. It just turns everything into some sort of competition when really everyone is going through suffering and we shouldn't compare as it's counterproductive and makes people feel even worse than they already do. Everyone's struggles are important no matter how the present themselves.

As time went by I kinda stopped viewing my situation as a result of depression honestly, even though im diagnosed with it. It's real pain and a source of misery but i don't think it's some kind off neurological disease, I think it's just reality of living a shitty life. I had trouble finding love and safety in my home when growing up and im having trouble finding it outside too, probably because i just didn't learn how. I just don't feel fine with having all my burden and traumas be approximated to a vague "chemical imbalance" lmao. I think people like to view depression that way because it makes them feel like it's something totally external and alien.

 

[Ashu]

I'm just taking fluoxetine like i said earlier and it helped but well the lack of purpose remains, it's just quieter. I'm thinking about therapy but there are only CBT therapists near me and CBT feels downright useless and gaslighting

CBT majorly helped to transform my life, but everyone's different.

 

[lpdsvm]

I'm not sure about how great my performance is. Maybe just afloat. Failures don't affect me emotionally as much anymore. I just know what I will do (CTB) if nothing works out.
I hope I'll just pass away naturally while sleeping before my downfall. Like a normal day. Come home, watch something entertaining and go to bed forever. Real blessing from God or the universe. Whatever. I wish you peace in whatever form you desire.

 

[ZwartHartje]

I work out five times a week, outdoors ever since Covid when my gym closed and I was forced to improvise, and found that I like it much better. It's harder, which I prefer, and no shitty music to endure and I have my peace. Calisthenics and lots of jumping, some running, plus riding my bike wherever I go, at least 12+ miles a day. I look like a hardcore female bodybuilder, extremely massive for a girl, ripped and with broad shoulders. It's always been my #1 priority to be as strong and athletic as possible, the only little kind of freedom at all while trapped in a human body.
Friends I barely have, even online. And around here everyone speaks German but I don't. Some years ago I found some very sweet friends who were a different species, but nearly all of them got murdered, and so I'm here now.
I'll keep working out until the end, it's the only thing that keeps me going at all. I'd have had to find a way out soon anyway, since I can't expect to be able to do this indefinitely. But now after the mass murder of my loved ones all I can think of is how much I wish to finally see them again on the Other Side,

 

[jesteroutofwork]

CBT majorly helped to transform my life, but everyone's different.

Could you talk about it more? I had weekly visits at a psychologist that was training in CBT but he wasn't really practicing proper CBT. But from what i've read, CBT feels too 'logical' to me. I mean it looks like you're just fact-checking your thoughts and you're slowly trying to rebuild your life via exercises. From the outside it kinda looks like "getting your shit together" in a slow and controlled way lmao. I think it's a bit biased into seeing every bad thought as a cognitive distortion, and every good thought as reality. But i'd be happy to be proven wrong about this topic by your experience

I work out five times a week, outdoors ever since Covid when my gym closed and I was forced to improvise, and found that I like it much better. It's harder, which I prefer, and no shitty music to endure and I have my peace. Calisthenics and lots of jumping, some running, plus riding my bike wherever I go, at least 12+ miles a day. I look like a hardcore female bodybuilder, extremely massive for a girl, ripped and with broad shoulders. It's always been my #1 priority to be as strong and athletic as possible, the only little kind of freedom at all while trapped in a human body.
Friends I barely have, even online. And around here everyone speaks German but I don't. Some years ago I found some very sweet friends who were a different species, but nearly all of them got murdered, and so I'm here now.
I'll keep working out until the end, it's the only thing that keeps me going at all. I'd have had to find a way out soon anyway, since I can't expect to be able to do this indefinitely. But now after the mass murder of my loved ones all I can think of is how much I wish to finally see them again on the Other Side,

I can really relate to that. I cannot imagine my life without working out. The only thing that made my mind shut up today was training legs lmao. The only joyful activity. Curiosity of trying another rep/higher weight is the only reason i have to care about myself

 

[Adaephon]

I work a lot, overtime (without no extra pay), up to 8-9pm. I have a job with lots of responsibilities and managing position.
I also exercise a lot, I do cycling 1h 3 to 5 times a week and I also go swimming 1 to 2 times a week, also 1h.
Been disappointed with others far too many times, I don't see many people outside and I now try to limit my interactions with others but I still try to spend quality time with the very few (2-3) close friends I have remaining. I've made a close friend the last few months but she completely shattered my heart and I despise her, now.
But yes, that said, I'm very busy (not sure for the high functioning but successfully achieving at work) and yet I yearn to CTB. If I wasn't in a long term relationship I would have done it already. My significant other is the only one stopping me from leaving this wretched world as I don't want to inflict pain on her, the others can go fuck themselves.