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womenwhogive

New Member
Apr 21, 2024
4
Hi all - Just trying to seek maybe some community for other people who have had similar experiences.

I have chronic migraine that makes my life unbearable. Dont have a job that pays enough, cant work more because too disabled, am fairly isolated in my city (though making attempts to make friends - etc) I'm 26. Also going through an intense breakup.

Almost 2 years ago, I had a psychotic break - a voice appeared to me and told me if I go into work, I'll die, but also I'll die by the time I'm 27, but also that I'm "fated" to die somehow. From that point I have had worsening migraines and more frequent desire to CTB.

Having been in therapy for over a year now, I'm aware that what I experienced was what psychiatry calls psychosis. So I recognize it as a delusion. But, as my life continues to get worse, I find myself wanting more and more to exit this world. It is just too hard.

I've somewhat felt since i was a high schooler that the end of my life will be on my terms. I've read books like Final Exit, etc, and I believe so much that each person has a right to end their own life.

But anyway. I have heard here or there of people with similar psychosis/schizo-spectrum issues having similar issues. I wasn't sure whether to post this in Suicide Discussion or Recovery. But I guess I will just say, if you have a new, strong, intuitive spiritually charged conviction that you must die in a certain timeframe, I encourage you to find a therapist who has knowledge of psychosis, or find a first episode psychosis program to enroll in.

Me personally, I am in therapy still - and have trouble shaking that notion that I am gonna have to kill myself in the next few months. I don't have any desire to live, but as we all know it takes a great deal of courage to actually do what we are discussing here.

Not sure where I was going with this, but wanted to open a thread for people to discuss similar issues, how they have navigated this feeling of fated-ness, and deciphering truth from reality from real desires etc etc.

Sending love
 
Mirrory Me

Mirrory Me

"More then your eyes can see..."
Mar 23, 2023
1,228
Almost 2 years ago, I had a psychotic break - a voice appeared to me and told me if I go into work, I'll die, but also I'll die by the time I'm 27, but also that I'm "fated" to die somehow. From that point I have had worsening migraines and more frequent desire to CTB.
Hm. I know it might be scary and overwhelming to think about that (have had similar experiences and lots of imagination on top), but I doubt that will actually happen. :>
 
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womenwhogive

New Member
Apr 21, 2024
4
Oh, yes, I agree. I mostly dont think anymore that I'm just going to mysteriously die in a strange circumstance. But still want to do it to myself pretty bad.
 
Raven2

Raven2

Arcanist
Dec 1, 2022
453
Psychosis is terrifying, I had an episode a few years ago,
I was having auditory hallucinations and had a voice suggesting I take my own life, at that time I was not suicidal.

Once I was put on anti psychotics I was okay but the paranoia stayed for a while.
The true suicidal thoughts ( not psychosis) came a few years after, after life went downhill.

Where you suicidal before your delusion started?
 
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womenwhogive

New Member
Apr 21, 2024
4
Once I was put on anti psychotics I was okay but the paranoia stayed for a while.
The true suicidal thoughts ( not psychosis) came a few years after, after life went downhill.
I'm glad anti-psychotics worked for you in some measure. I'm sorry to hear you had a scary experience.
Where you suicidal before your delusion started?
I have had suicidal ideation on and off throughout my life - a date (but no method) picked out at age 17 (that, of course, passed by)
But at the time, I did not have active suicidality until that delusion/psychotic break.
 
ForgottenAgain

ForgottenAgain

On the rollercoaster of sadness
Oct 17, 2023
1,141
Not long ago I went through 5 months of having psychotic episodes. I've seen 2 psychiatrists and I'm seeing a psychologist and they all say it's not psychosis, although one of the psychiatrists diagnosed me with psychotic depression - until some days later where she backtracked that it was borderline PD.

I don't understand how they call them psychotic episodes and at the same time tell me I'm not psychotic, logically it doesn't make sense to me but I'm not a doctor.

What I went through was objects around me getting distorted. Dressers seeming to have evil smiles, I felt the objects were evil and wanted to harm me. I've never felt so much terror in my life...

Took antidepressants and antipsychotics but I feel like they didn't do anything besides give me side effects. Lorazepam was the thing that worked to calm me down during the episodes, while it lasted...

I was suicidal prior to this happening but when the episodes happened I would feel a strong sense of SI and feel like I had to fight for my life to avoid being killed. Almost attacked my boyfriend once...I felt he was going to kill me, that he was evil.

I haven't had these symptoms for 3 months or so but they still haunt me and I feel like I wasn't taken seriously.

Sorry, I think I went in a tangent compared to what you asked on your post...
 
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D

DeIetedUser4739

Guest
Apr 21, 2024
427
There's a guy on these forums making threads about this very subject (voices telling him to ctb) but denies having any mental condition.
 
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Reactions: ForgottenAgain
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womenwhogive

New Member
Apr 21, 2024
4
Sorry, I think I went in a tangent compared to what you asked on your post...
Not at all, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry you went through that. Sounds really scary.
There's a guy on these forums making threads about this very subject (voices telling him to ctb) but denies having any mental condition.
Unfortunately it's a feature of the condition that your warped perception of reality becomes intensely, axiomatically convincing
 
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Reactions: ForgottenAgain
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nomore1219

Member
Jan 15, 2024
25
I jumped off the 6th story of a parking garage while in psychosis. Miraculously did not die or end up paralyzed but had life-changing injuries. I wish it had killed me.
 

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