Anyone else feel like this?

[Treeline589]

So in my mind I had the date picked out and everything. It was supposed to be the last day of the year. When it came right down to it, I couldn't do it. Now I hate myself even more for not being able to. It's as if things are ten times worse. I don't feel like being a functioning member of society, I had thought that the suicidal thoughts consumed my mind before but now it's every single thought. I keep beating myself up for not following through. I luckily have a great relationship with my therapist but even trying to explain this to him last night didn't help. I honestly don't know what to do. I really wish I could find a way out that was easy to complete.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I too was adamant to leave by the end of last year. I couldnt bring myself to do it. Too many stuff at stake

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, I have wanted to die for a long time, I have never really wanted to be alive, but yet I am still here. Suicide is very difficult after all, and I am held back by the fear of failure and the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit. There is also the survival instinct which is determined to keep us suffering. It can be awful to feel trapped, whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[TheHatedOne]

That's what I'm scared for because I also did set a ctb date, even though I'm thinking rationally that I can't remain no more and I have nothing to lose, I can only gain if I do it.

However , the survival instinct is a pain in the ass. Don't beat yourself upon it, it's really difficult to leave mainly for this factor. But, there's also the fact that ctb is a huge thing to go through. Even scary. So it's understandable.

Sending hugs.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I've set "the date" several times and it's never worked for me. At this point, I've set a sort of deadline. I know that I want to be dead by a certain date, and whenever it seems right before then, I'll ctb. I'm going to try that mindset for the next few months and see if it works. If it doesn't, it means that I'm still not really ready and that will take some further introspection.

 

[cambrai33]

Seriously don't beat yourself up over it, the time just wasn't now.

So many emotions to process against the finality of things but something kept you here…..

If you haven't tried different types of help then give them a bash, no rush to ctb and you can keep that in your back pocket. I guess what I'm failing to put across is that ctb might be easier if you have exhausted all other options first

Hope that comes across as I meant it

Also, be kind to yourself if you can