Discussion Anyone else feel like they're just waiting to die?

[Spite]

I do, all the time. I don't think I can ever bring myself to CTB and I don't think I will ever have the courage to do so, which leaves me with no other option than to just bide my time and wait for the inevitable end of it all. I'm going to be waiting a very long time though, like possibly upwards of 50 years until I naturally die of old age.

I'm not even 30 and I feel like I've had enough. It's like... I think I have done everything that I realistically can do given my financial and social limitations. There's not much else I really want to do and I don't see much reason for me to stick around, but I'm probably going to anyway.

These days I'm just... a husk. I'm dead inside. I don't see how that will ever change and I really do feel like I'm done and I'm just waiting for it all to be over. I'm exhausted and defeated.

 

[dreaming]

Yes, I am numb all the time, I have barely any desires, I'm already emotionally dead.
a "husk" really is the only way to describe it.
I wish I had more to say, I feel the same as you on this.

 

[Apathy79]

I think a huge % of older people (80+ especially) feel this way. You've started a lot earlier!

 

[delinquentsandwich]

I've been waiting to die for awhile now as well
the past 6 years have been especially bad
I've been living my life since then just hoping that something would take me out or that I'd get an easy opportunity
waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping
I'm still unsure if I'd have the strength to actually go through with it if I got my method

I haven't always been so dead and empty inside.. like a husk as said
I still have things I want to do and see but they are unobtainable unless some shit happens like winning the lottery

 

[darksouls]

dying of old age can take a long time,
people are living longer and longer

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, that is all this torturous, dreadful existence is to me, I'll always see existing as just being waiting to die, it's just suffering, pain and torture all for the sake of it with no limit as to how much agony one can feel and all I want is to be permanently free from the abomination of existence that just harms and tortures existing beings.

For me non-existence is just all that's positive, for me ceasing to exist would be the positive solution to find peace from all future unnecessary suffering and I'll always see existing as just being only suffering, it's all so dreadful to me. Existing truly is torture which is why it's so terrible how this existence was even imposed at all, existence truly is the problem and simply just existing is enough to make me wish for the peace of eternal sleep, I'll always find it the most torturous, terrible burden to suffer in this existence.

 

[burninghill]

Yeah. I felt like I was supposed to die back when I was 13 when I first felt suicidal and that I've sort of… expired. I feel sometimes like Gods plan for me is suicide and he's getting bored waiting for me to finally carry it out lmao

 

[thelostautistic]

Yes absolutely. I have a lot of things I need to sort out before I go but I'm so miserable so none of it is getting done. I'm just in waiting mode at the moment. I'm hoping to be gone before the year is over

 

[default]

when i was younger, i thought i wouldn't make it past 18. but here i am, almost 20. i feel like i was supposed to be dead already. i'm emotionally numb to some things, i still cry randomly. right now, i'm hanging onto life by a thread, hoping that maybe things will get better.

 

[akafuka1999]

I am planning to ctb this summer. It is only the best if it happens regarding my future. I will regret not doing it. Scared as shit tho.

 

[geepeedee]

yep, just existing. planning to ctb this summer, now just waiting.

 

[dead dav]

yes death can't come soon enough I feel I'm just surviving not living

 

[itsgone2]

Yes. Would love it at any time tbh.
I still can't get over how strong I thought I was a year ago. I was so active in so many things. Now just a complete mess

 

[Dust&Moonlight]

Pretty much, yeah. I don't think I'm suicidal because, well, I have always - out of self-hatred more than anything - put practically every bit of my energy into making sure I don't 'rock the boat' for anyone in any way shape or form, and suicide very much rocks the proverbial boat. I'm always making sure I don't break down, or get 'too' depressed that any attention would be thrown my way. Outside of punching myself in 'safe' areas, I try to self-harm in covert ways that aren't too visible (e.g. I don't brush my teeth, I ignore chest pains, I overspend what little I actually have to spend, and so on). It all just takes up all of my energy but I simply cannot allow myself to choose otherwise.

So really I'm just waiting for death. Whether that be from cancer, some future war or disaster, or old age. I don't have anything else to live for, so I'm just sort of living because I'm too much of a stubborn ass not to. I enjoy a videogame from time to time, and I very-occasionally get out of the house to 'do something', but I've made myself a background character in the lives of everyone I know and that's where I'm likely going to stay. Unless I won the lottery and could get the treatments I know I need to feel in any way comfortable in my own skin, but that's never going to happen lol.