Anyone else feel as if they’re destined for suicide?

[bl33ding_heart]

I have this strange feeling, that no matter what I'm just gonna end up killing myself. No matter how much my life or mental state improves, it will somehow eventually lead to suicide. Because of my bpd I will never truly get better. There is hope that I could learn how to deal with my symptoms well enough and possibly take medication so I would be stable enough to not literally kill myself. But no matter what the baseline of my mind which is my bpd will always be there. I'm certain that at some point, whether it be anytime soon or in a matter of years. My bpd will end up driving me to my grave. I'm only 18 and it has almost killed me a countless amount of times already. So it really feels like it's only a matter of time before it inevitably happens.

 

[stevie23]

Definitely agree, with my fucked up family and all the trauma I faced throughout my adolescence years (especially school) and I'm only 18. Shit sucks. I might off myself today in the next hour or so after I get out school.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Definitely agree, with my fucked up family and all the trauma I faced throughout my adolescence years (especially school) and I'm only 18. Shit sucks. I might off myself today in the next hour or so after I get out school.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that . I really hope you can heal if possible.

 

[sadbh]

I feel this. Thanks for sharing.

 

[maki]

it's morbid but whenever the question "realistically, how do you think you'll die?" comes up, i always think to myself that it'll be suicide. i dont know if it's my destiny or not but i cant really imagine myself going out any other way

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

Oh, 100%, I've been fantasising about different forms of suicide since the age of 11. It's become so stuck in the back of my head that it is quite literally the only way I envision my death happening. Knowing that I can CTB whenever I want is the only way I haven't gone insane.

 

[dirkw83]

Not necessarily but I always thought I wouldn't be very old, and now it looks like my life is ending at 42 which sounds about right lol..

 

[FuneralCry]

Wish I could be, I'd be long gone if I had the option to painlessly cease existing and never suffer again but of course I'm trapped in this horrific, dreadful world where there is all this endless cruelty and torture with no limit as to how much agony one can feel.

It's just terrible extreme cruelty how I cannot just have the option to peacefully cease existing and never suffer again as non-existence is all I'm meant for, all I'm meant for is to be permanently free from the pain and torture of existing and to me it'll always be torture to be conscious in this existence. I'll just always see existence as the most terrible, dreadful mistake, non-existence is just all I see as positive, I always suffer so unbearably from how I cannot just have true permanent peace from the terrible torture of existing.

 

[thelostautistic]

I feel the exact same way unfortunately

 

[sickofeverything]

I always planned to end my life. I always hoped I would go peacefully in my sleep but even when I was in middle school I wanted to die. The wanting to die but being scared of pain and ending up in the hospital so I was always extra healthy and active I assumed I would die by my own hand or some very twisted fate die of old age. I always wanted to die young which would mean by my own hands but the fear of messing up and being worse off stopped me.
My ex partner almost killed me right after I finished college and a few times during school but I had the motivation to die after so I could die with a degree at least for my parents. I stayed a bit longer to try and get justice for that so my mom could at least have that which didn't happen, then stayed because I didn't want to hurt someone else with my death but it's at a point where staying is too hard and staying hurts the people I don't want to hurt when they see me like this.
With the way the world treats women and beauty especially I always planned, even if I was rich and successful, to end my life at 30-40. Whenever I started to wrinkle as the world isn't nice to women who lose their beauty. Guess I'll be achieving that goal.
Even when I found someone worth staying for for a bit the thought of losing them and that pain made me want to end it to not go through it, or when my cats die, or my parents I'd probably end it if I don't die from that depression and broken heart naturally. We're expected to go through too much pain and stay. I'm honestly surprised I lasted this long, when people talk about the future and their plans I wanted to die so young that thinking of the future was just black for me. I opened up to someone about it and they called me crazy saying only crazy people would want to suicide, I tried explaining to them that it's probably a majority, and you probably know many people like this and they just don't tell you because of stigma like this.
I think part of the only reason some people live so long is the brain tries to forget trauma and pain as to keep you living. If women remembered the pain of childbirth they would never have more than one kid but the brain has you forget so you can do it more than once. I think the same is for life and pain

 

[jojobanana]

Oh, 100%, I've been fantasising about different forms of suicide since the age of 11. It's become so stuck in the back of my head that it is quite literally the only way I envision my death happening. Knowing that I can CTB whenever I want is the only way I haven't gone insane.

this is my exact experience too and from around the same age

 

[whitetaildeer]

Mostly. I've been hallucinating on and off for the past 2 months, and last week it's become more frequent and more distressing. And since my girlfriend committed suicide last month, I can't bring myself to be happy about or enjoy anything. I feel as though I'm buying time until I inevitably kill myself.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Mostly. I've been hallucinating on and off for the past 2 months, and last week it's become more frequent and more distressing. And since my girlfriend committed suicide last month, I can't bring myself to be happy about or enjoy anything. I feel as though I'm buying time until I inevitably kill myself.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace.

 

[sickofeverything]

Mostly. I've been hallucinating on and off for the past 2 months, and last week it's become more frequent and more distressing. And since my girlfriend committed suicide last month, I can't bring myself to be happy about or enjoy anything. I feel as though I'm buying time until I inevitably kill myself.

I'm so sorry for your loss, at least you both had time to support each other for a bit if you were both open about it.