Anyone else a parent/ in a long term relationship

[undertherainbow]

I want to leave but I'm worried about ruining my son's life. My parents ruined my life in other ways and I've been trying to avoid making the same mistake. As of now, I take lots of pics with him and even bought extra cloud space so that way he can have some photos of us together when he's older. I just don't want him to blame himself. I know my husband will get over it eventually, but I'm worried about my son. He's very little and at the age where everything is about mommy.
If therapy and meds worked for me, I would do it but I've been fighting suicidal thoughts for almost 20 years now and I'm starting to lose the fight.

 

[SheJumped]

I remain here for my child. I morbidly count the years down where I feel I can catch the bus at age where they can semi-understand and at least read the reason why.
I personally don't think it's fair to go at an age where the impact could be left with a lot of devastation and questions.

 

[orangepotato]

If I were in a relationship I wouldn't be suicidal.

 

[Deleted member 10090]

If I were in a relationship I wouldn't be suicidal.

I thought the same at one point but making a person your whole reason for happiness never ends well and puts a lot of pressure on them.

 

[orangepotato]

I thought the same at one point but making a person your whole reason for happiness never ends well and puts a lot of pressure on them.

Literally all they have to do is love me. That's all I ask for.

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

Leave as in CTB? Or leave as in physically not be where your kid is at?

...I had a really long reply and then realized I might be thinking the wrong meaning.

 

[undertherainbow]

Leave as in CTB? Or leave as in physically not be where your kid is at?

...I had a really long reply and then realized I might be thinking the wrong meaning.

Leave as on ctb

I remain here for my child. I morbidly count the years down where I feel I can catch the bus at age where they can semi-understand and at least read the reason why.
I personally don't think it's fair to go at an age where the impact could be left with a lot of devastation and questions.

I don't think there is an age where they won't be devastated. Now I feel like at no matter what age, I'm ruining his life forever.

If I were in a relationship I wouldn't be suicidal.

I thought I wouldn't be suicidal after having a living child. I have a hormonal imbalance where instead of regular pmsing, I lose my impulse control. A few months ago I almost chugged drano without even thinking about it. No plan, no note, just was about to embark on a long painful death. Luckily I snapped myself out of it. That's why I'm preparing memories for him, just in case I don't snap myself out of it next month.

 

[dysthimia_king]

I want to leave but I'm worried about ruining my son's life. My parents ruined my life in other ways and I've been trying to avoid making the same mistake. As of now, I take lots of pics with him and even bought extra cloud space so that way he can have some photos of us together when he's older. I just don't want him to blame himself. I know my husband will get over it eventually, but I'm worried about my son. He's very little and at the age where everything is about mommy.
If therapy and meds worked for me, I would do it but I've been fighting suicidal thoughts for almost 20 years now and I'm starting to lose the fight.

I feel for you and the situation you are in. Our actions, intentional or otherwise, always affect those close to us. Further, how those close to us respond to actions we take is independent of how we think they would and should react.
No matter how close you are, your son's mental space will always remain a separate part of your relationship with him and no amount of pictures will help him reconcile your absence.
Those who ctb are not insensitive to family and friends, they are just overwhelmed by life's particular circumstances, which are unique to all of us.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

What exactly is happening right now that is proving a tipping point? I also wouldn't entrust everything to the cloud... the cloud is just a computer that is out of your reach.

If I were in a relationship I wouldn't be suicidal.

You have a very idealistic view of relationships.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

I have a devastating but not fatal health issue that severely impedes every part of my life and has turned me from a happy mom to a pile of utter despair. I wrangle wirh leaving them but this condition is unbearable. They have a wonderful dad and TONS of love and support from family and the community. I will utterly ruin them and I know it, which makes me hate myself even more. But living as this husk, crying all the time, cannot function.... they deserve better.

I hope my husband meets a lovely healthy woman who will love them as her own.

Is the condition expected to improve so that you might enjoy a better quality of life?

I'm sure their father is wonderful but mother is God in the eyes of a child. Unless you're abusive, they wouldn't be better off without you.

If you managed to score such a wonderful man, you must have some very positive attributes yourself. Are you perhaps not giving yourself enough credit?

 

[undertherainbow]

What exactly is happening right now that is proving a tipping point? I also wouldn't entrust everything to the cloud... the cloud is just a computer that is out of your reach.



You have a very idealistic view of relationships.

I got everything I wanted and I'm still unhappy. Family, career, home. Its still not enough. I have a hormone imbalance that just makes me suicidal & PTSD from a traumatic childhood. I feel like I'm just delaying the inevitable and I rather go before my son can remember me. He's almost at the age where you can remember things. I have maybe another year left.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

I got everything I wanted and I'm still unhappy. Family, career, home. Its still not enough. I have a hormone imbalance that just makes me suicidal & PTSD from a traumatic childhood. I feel like I'm just delaying the inevitable and I rather go before my son can remember me. He's almost at the age where you can remember things. I have maybe another year left.

I wish I knew what to say. I think you need to pursue help more aggressively and don't take no for an answer.

 

[undertherainbow]

I have a devastating but not fatal health issue that severely impedes every part of my life and has turned me from a happy mom to a pile of utter despair. I wrangle wirh leaving them but this condition is unbearable. They have a wonderful dad and TONS of love and support from family and the community. I will utterly ruin them and I know it, which makes me hate myself even more. But living as this husk, crying all the time, cannot function.... they deserve better.

I hope my husband meets a lovely healthy woman who will love them as her own.

I wish I knew what to say. I think you need to pursue help more aggressively and don't take no for an answer.

It's okay. I've been in and out of therapy for suicidal thoughts for maybe 15 years now? They don't know what to say either. I've been taking 6 pills a day for a few years now since my last failed attempt (only stopped for pregnancy and breastfeeding) and use everything they taught me but nothing can change my actual imbalance or my past. I've just come to accept it.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

You are so kind to say that. I was a good mom before this happened. I still try my best to be now. But they see me sob sometimes. See their dad wrangle my keys out of my hands so I can't drive off into a tree. I want them to remember the mommy I was. Cookies and special treats and so many kisses and hugs. They want for nothing. They're my greatest joy. And me dying will ruin them and I know it.

I have had surgery to fix my condition and it failed. If anything, it might have made it worse. I will never be able to be the parent I was again I'm a burden. I've lost 50 pounds I didn't need to lose. I'm taking benzos just to get through the day. This can only go on for so long until I do something desperate and public.

I have posted on here about overdosing on drugs in a bathtub, getting N, I just bought SN even though I do NOT want to go that way because it just looks and sounds terrifying. I even wanted to go via CO but that takes planning and time and then I am a missing person. And in the paper.

I'm desperate for a painless quiet way out and don't know what to do.

Okay, this is a lot to unpack. I hate to cliché but it does sound like you have a lot of reasons to live.

Onto the more practical side, I think the first step may be to talk to your doctor about weaning you off benzos. Benzos are poison and more addictive than heroin. DO NOT GO COLD TURKEY. THIS IS VERY DANGEROUS.

I've heard from a few people that benzos completely dull your senses and make suicide increasingly attractive, including my own mother who had to come off of diazepam 30 years ago. She isn't completely okay but she is a lot better and even holds a full time job now. I saw a lot of ugly shit from her but I am glad she is still in my life. And I never wanted her to die no matter how bad it got.

Benzos dull pain but they will also dull joy, which is why you're not thinking straight at the moment. I don't mean to undermine you, I know you're having a really bad time of it.

You don't want a way out of life, you want a way out of pain. And that's completely understandable and no one here is going to judge you, especially not as harshly as you're judging yourself.

You're worthwhile. You sound like an amazing mother.

It's okay. I've been in and out of therapy for suicidal thoughts for maybe 15 years now? They don't know what to say either. I've been taking 6 pills a day for a few years now since my last failed attempt (only stopped for pregnancy and breastfeeding) and use everything they taught me but nothing can change my actual imbalance or my past. I've just come to accept it.

What are you taking, if I might ask?

Yeah, that's the problem.. sometimes there isn't a solid reason and then not even the 'experts' can do anything.

 

[disfiguredone]

Is the condition expected to improve so that you might enjoy a better quality of life?

I'm sure their father is wonderful but mother is God in the eyes of a child. Unless you're abusive, they wouldn't be better off without you.

If you managed to score such a wonderful man, you must have some very positive attributes yourself. Are you perhaps not giving yourself enough credit?

Do you actually think anyone would post here and express that they are suffering and will suffer more in the future to the extent that they would consider LEAVING THEIR FAMILY if they had a "condition expected to IMPROVE"???? Do you think someone would consider inflicting damage on their family if they had HOPE of becoming healthy and able to enjoy life and loved ones???????? A response like this is insulting. Do you think the person read your comment and thought: "You know what?! Thank god this insightful, brilliant person took time out of their busy schedule to remind negative nelly me that I have a condition that may improve! That's right, now that I think of it, I may have a healthy future, I forgot! I just liked to sit around all day thinking about suicide and feeling backed into a corner all fucking day long! This type of Superiority is what I come to this site to AVOID as it provokes a rage in me so profound at how clueless people are about the depth of pain that leads to the need to essentially dispose of yourself because your illness is making you unfit to be in the world with the ones you love, that steals the humanity from you! I am Equally disgusted by your reminder of how important "mothers are" to a fucking mother who is expressing devastation because of that very fact!!! Again, this comment is evidence of a shaming mentality that is the root of discrimination against suicidal people. It's like racism - "Those suicidal people" (insert another historically discriminated against group ie., those Black people) they bring it in themselves, if they wanted to get better they'd work harder, there's help out there if they'd stop their shenanigans and stop blaming everyone else for their problems". The fact is that we are a MINORITY that is freely discriminated against. Our needs can be belittled and ignored and our suffering can be tolerated like slaves being whipped. Psychology wise, it is because our desperation cancels their empathy for us, like prisoners any prisoner. We are judged responsible for our crime of needing to be humanely disposed of as we are a danger to ourselves or others, we are sentenced to life in a prison were we are tortured and in pain that would be illegal. We rot in jail though we committed no crime.

I have such an illness - one that will cause my family to helplessly watch me suffer. I will not only be physically incapacitated and home bound - but I will will become deformed - truly freakish like a hound dog and a Buddha had a baby but before that stage I will become as haggard and ugly as a witch due to a disease that melts your skin from the inside out - I am literal melting like a candle. The process of becoming of grotesque has been utterly crazy making as I can watch it unfold in real time. Trust me, if this was a disease I could "fight" and there was fucking hope for the future I would NEVER consider suicide. I'm not speaking for anyone else, this is just my opinion as someone with a gruesome incurable untreatable illness.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

Do you actually think anyone would post here and express that they are suffering and will suffer more in the future to the extent that they would consider LEAVING THEIR FAMILY if they had a "condition expected to IMPROVE"???? Do you think someone would consider inflicting damage on their family if they had HOPE of becoming healthy and able to enjoy life and loved ones???????? A response like this is insulting. Do you think the person read your comment and thought: "You know what?! Thank god this insightful, brilliant person took time out of their busy schedule to remind negative nelly me that I have a condition that may improve! That's right, now that I think of it, I may have a healthy future, I forgot! I just liked to sit around all day thinking about suicide and feeling backed into a corner all fucking day long! This type of Superiority is what I come to this site to AVOID as it provokes a rage in me so profound at how clueless people are about the depth of pain that leads to the need to essentially dispose of yourself because your illness is making you unfit to be in the world with the ones you love, that steals the humanity from you! I am Equally disgusted by your reminder of how important "mothers are" to a fucking mother who is expressing devastation because of that very fact!!! Again, this comment is evidence of a shaming mentality that is the root of discrimination against suicidal people. It's like racism - "Those suicidal people" (insert another historically discriminated against group ie., those Black people) they bring it in themselves, if they wanted to get better they'd work harder, there's help out there if they'd stop their shenanigans and stop blaming everyone else for their problems". The fact is that we are a MINORITY that is freely discriminated against. Our needs can be belittled and ignored and our suffering can be tolerated like slaves being whipped. Psychology wise, it is because our desperation cancels their empathy for us, like prisoners any prisoner. We are judged responsible for our crime of needing to be humanely disposed of as we are a danger to ourselves or others, we are sentenced to life in a prison were we are tortured and in pain that would be illegal. We rot in jail though we committed no crime.

I have such an illness - one that will cause my family to helplessly watch me suffer. I will not only be physically incapacitated and home bound - but I will will become deformed - truly freakish like a hound dog and a Buddha had a baby but before that stage I will become as haggard and ugly as a witch due to a disease that melts your skin from the inside out - I am literal melting like a candle. The process of becoming of grotesque has been utterly crazy making as I can watch it unfold in real time. Trust me, if this was a disease I could "fight" and there was fucking hope for the future I would NEVER consider suicide. I'm not speaking for anyone else, this is just my opinion as someone with a gruesome incurable untreatable illness.

Oh fuck off.

 

[disfiguredone]

Oh fuck off.

After reading your reply to another commenter I realize I misinterpreted your situation- and really i was speaking to people who say things that have made me feel misunderstood and my pain ignored. But I was wrong to I imply you would be offended by the comment, as you were in fact comforted. I was inspired by the comment to write feelings I have had for a long time but I was wrong to post them here and I should have started my own thread. I am very sorry that I caused hurt to you.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

After reading your reply to another commenter I realize I misinterpreted your situation- and really i was speaking to people who say things that have made me feel misunderstood and my pain ignored. But I was wrong to I imply you would be offended by the comment, as you were in fact comforted. I was inspired by the comment to write feelings I have had for a long time but I was wrong to post them here and I should have started my own thread. I am very sorry that I caused hurt to you.

I wasn't hurt, I just read about four lines of what a twat I apparently am from someone I wasn't even speaking to and I shut off.

If you read what I've said, I've attempted to address pain where I can. And it's very hard for me to suggest suicide methods to a woman who, by her own admission, has a pack of blessings AS WELL AS the unbearable pain she's feeling. There's a chance she will kill herself but there is also a chance that she will come out of the other side and thank goodness she didn't take that step.

You've clearly got a lot of anger and maybe you do need to create your own thread on that. But don't vent spleen on people who are just taking a more balanced view.

 

[idiot_dad]

I'm a dad with kids, and I'm in the same situation. I'm counting down the days until my kids complete their college and are comfortably independent. I figure I have about 10 years left until I can CTB guilt free.

 

[miserableforever]

You are so kind to say that. I was a good mom before this happened. I still try my best to be now. But they see me sob sometimes. See their dad wrangle my keys out of my hands so I can't drive off into a tree. I want them to remember the mommy I was. Cookies and special treats and so many kisses and hugs. They want for nothing. They're my greatest joy. And me dying will ruin them and I know it.

I have had surgery to fix my condition and it failed. If anything, it might have made it worse. I will never be able to be the parent I was again I'm a burden. I've lost 50 pounds I didn't need to lose. I'm taking benzos just to get through the day. This can only go on for so long until I do something desperate and public.

I have posted on here about overdosing on drugs in a bathtub, getting N, I just bought SN even though I do NOT want to go that way because it just looks and sounds terrifying. I even wanted to go via CO but that takes planning and time and then I am a missing person. And in the paper.

I'm desperate for a painless quiet way out and don't know what to do.

I left a long marriage cause he was emotionally distant and I didn't share most of his careless values. I'm now a mom of two daughters and my 'new' boyfriend has been so so amazing. Yet I still find myself suicidal all the time, I had a shitty childhood with very abusive parents and I can't seem to grow up even though I'm way past 30. And I'm too much of a coward to just ctb, it's been the limbo life for a long time. Some days are better than others, overall I wish I could just disappear.

 

[bunnies]

i'm in an on again off again thing with someone for about 7 years. i love them and i believe they love me and i know they're never going to forgive me, but i am comforted knowing they have other partners they are in love with and who are much better to them/for them than i will ever be. he will be ok.

 

[harshlar]

I am in a similar boat. I know my husband would forgive me- he is one of the few in my life who know how persistent my struggle with SI is. I'm confident he would find a life partner who is able to love him and help him heal more than I can at this stage of things.
My son is 18 months right now and my constant back and forth is wondering if I should ctb now before he can remember me or wait a little longer to actually form positive memories. I know it'll cause trauma in his life but is it better if he doesn't even remember who I was? If I stay will his memories be clouded by how depressed and detached I am? I truly don't know.

 

[Ta555]

I'm in a long term relationship but no kids. I think if I had kids a s had to go through this I'd go crazy so I just want to wish and express a lot of love to all you mothers and fathers out there. I can't even imagine how heavily that weighs on you :(

 

[DoneWithIt]

No kids here, live with a partner. I've been on hormone therapy to try and correct my depression. It worked for a little while if only for the novel placebo of thinking it was doing something.

 

[Sister of the Moon]

I have two sons and a boyfriend. My eldest son is grown up and has children of his own. My youngest son is 16 and autistic and I don't know at this point if he'll ever be independent. Their father is dead. My boyfriend is both the most wonderful person and the worst person, he has issues of his own and he also wishes he was dead. He doesn't know about my own suicidal ideation. I also have a grandmother in her 90s who is the light of my life. I can't leave them. I try to hide my misery from them, for all their sakes. Still, I believe one day things will get too much and I will fulfil my destiny and catch the bus. I wasn't made for this world but I'll try to stay, for them.

 

[supernothing]

I have a partner and a few kids. I have struggled with self-harm and SI since I was 12. My partner is well aware, but even he understands that nothing that I've tried has ever helped.

I love my family. I really do. I just know that they're better off without my unpredictability and instability.

 

[KlMeNw]

I'm in a long term relationship but no kids. I think if I had kids a s had to go through this I'd go crazy so I just want to wish and express a lot of love to all you mothers and fathers out there. I can't even imagine how heavily that weighs on you :(

Thank you for your acknowledging our awful dilemma.

I have two sons and a boyfriend. My eldest son is grown up and has children of his own. My youngest son is 16 and autistic and I don't know at this point if he'll ever be independent. Their father is dead. My boyfriend is both the most wonderful person and the worst person, he has issues of his own and he also wishes he was dead. He doesn't know about my own suicidal ideation. I also have a grandmother in her 90s who is the light of my life. I can't leave them. I try to hide my misery from them, for all their sakes. Still, I believe one day things will get too much and I will fulfil my destiny and catch the bus. I wasn't made for this world but I'll try to stay, for them.

My youngest son (7) is also autistic, i'm sorry you're facing this terrible, no-win situation. Good vibes to you.

 

[Sister of the Moon]

My youngest son (7) is also autistic, i'm sorry you're facing this terrible, no-win situation. Good vibes to you.

Thank you. Right back at you. Best wishes.