Anyone bipolar?

[dontknowwheretoturn]

My life is such a joke. I'm so manic and I can't keep up with my depression. It seems like the lulls get darker and deeper each time. I don't see how I'll survive a depression deeper than the one I'm in now — I still don't know if I'm going to survive this time.

If being bipolar means I'll always have these drastic ups and downs, I just don't see a way around it. There is no cure and none of what prescribed has ever helped. This is hell.

 

[rationaltake]

Yes. I've had a lifetime of it. I don't know what to say to help.

 

[TheCrowCalls]

How are you guys sustaining yourselves currently with bipolar? My job triggered two episodes that landed me in the hospital twice this last year …. I'm set to go back to the same job again soon I know they'll let me go and it's just an hr process at this point

 

[dontknowwheretoturn]

How are you guys sustaining yourselves currently with bipolar? My job triggered two episodes that landed me in the hospital twice this last year …. I'm set to go back to the same job again soon I know they'll let me go and it's just an hr process at this point

Mine landed me in the psych ward 4 times this year. Nobody looks at me the same. And nobody understands. I applied for disability this week. They can't let you go for a mental illness, that's illegal.

 

[freedompass]

Bipolar 1 with psychosis/batshit crazy checking in. To answer the last comment, I'm on disability and haven't worked for 30 years. Many bipolar people function really well in their careers, get married and have families. I was way too severe for any of that. Bipolar destroyed my life setting in almost as soon as I left home and embarked on adult life at 19. These days, now that my life is ruined by regret, guilt and grief for the losses sustained, the manic episodes have mellowed somewhat. I no longer put myself in flagrantly dangerous situations or work so steadfastly to destroy any happiness or contentment I might have had. It's a bit fuckin late bipolar. Not only have you fucked me good and proper, you've also fucked my offspring so yay. Go, you.

 

[TheCrowCalls]

Do you all have anhedonia too?

I've been looking to do things that won't trigger me but I've lost my drive and will. My last manic episode seems to have dumbed me down, fucked my already shit memory, and made me socially awkward….. bloody fuck

 

[freedompass]

Do you all have anhedonia too?

I've been looking to do things that won't trigger me but I've lost my drive and will. My last manic episode seems to have dumbed me down, fucked my already shit memory, and made me socially awkward….. bloody fuck

Yup anhedonia stole my passion for music and books, I'm trying to recapture the latter and have recommenced going to see independent movies after many years when my attention span wouldn't even stretch to the length of an average film. So far it's been ok. Keep your chin up Crow, hopefully given time you'll recover

 

[TheCrowCalls]

Yup anhedonia stole my passion for music and books, I'm trying to recapture the latter and have recommenced going to see independent movies after many years when my attention span wouldn't even stretch to the length of an average film. So far it's been ok. Keep your chin up Crow, hopefully given time you'll recover

I'm glad you're finding a way through :)

It just doesn't help that there's a stark contrast before and after my episodes :/ it's pretty much traumatizing. Trying to walk it off

 

[Rd2nowhere]

I am Bipolar I with psychosis. My last depressive episode was terrifying. I am on a manic high now. I have been on so many different medications. I admit I enjoy the high that I am on now.

 

[tilsleepcomes]

I am Bipolar I with psychosis. My last depressive episode was terrifying. I am on a manic high now. I have been on so many different medications. I admit I enjoy the high that I am on now.

Same here.

The depression pushes me to CTB and is long and dark. I'm talking three to four weeks of constant suicidal ideation.

I enjoy the manic phase, too, but it is all too brief, and I know the happiness is like artificial. I also tend to make bad decisions that ruin whatever was good in my life.

The meds either haven't worked, or I'm not taken seriously enough to get the help I need when I need it.

It has all made me very depressed and my outlook is not good. I am deteriorating and I want to go out with dignity before I completely fall apart.

 

[MyChoiceToLeave]

I am bipolar as well and was wondering if anyone is on Depakote or Depakote ER as a mood stabilizer?

 

[ghqkiiia2]

I am bipolar as well and was wondering if anyone is on Depakote or Depakote ER as a mood stabilizer?

Depakote is a common prescription for bipolar treatment. But it has side effects of harming our liver, your doctors should keep monitoring the liver function if they to prescribe it for you.

 

[Rd2nowhere]

Same here.

The depression pushes me to CTB and is long and dark. I'm talking three to four weeks of constant suicidal ideation.

I enjoy the manic phase, too, but it is all too brief, and I know the happiness is like artificial. I also tend to make bad decisions that ruin whatever was good in my life.

The meds either haven't worked, or I'm not taken seriously enough to get the help I need when I need it.

It has all made me very depressed and my outlook is not good. I am deteriorating and I want to go out with dignity before I completely fall apart.

I have a good network(psychiatrist and therapist plus family)I was just placed under a conservatorship. The depression gets worse every time. It seems the manic phases are getting shorter.

I understand people not taking you seriously. My sister acts that way. She is dismissive. We had a family counseling session and it is her way of managing the thought of me wanting to cbt. Those who do not suffer truly do not understand. Yet the toll it takes on our family is tough.

Though the happiness may be artificial I still love it. I feel so alive. I am hopeful and I am putting up a fight today.

 

[Noctis]

I got diagnosed with bipolar about six months ago. I got put on medication, and it's sorta helped. The ups aren't as severe and the downs aren't as frequent, but holy shit are the downs worse.

I can go from normal, even happy, to "can't get out of bed and spend most of the day thinking about suicide" literally overnight. The downs are deeper, hit harder, and it's harder to get out of them.

Even though my psychiatrist keeps upping my dosage, it just makes things worse. The downs keeping getting less frequent, but they sure got some hands on them.

 

[freedompass]

Bipolar 1 with psychosis checking in

 

[actual_fox]

Do you all have anhedonia too?

I do have anhedonia.

Cannot enjoy life.

 

[toasterbath]

ya i suspect i have bipolar 2 and i don't really want to live with this illness any longer. i can't deal with the instability and this year the depression was so painful especially in summer i don't ever want to feel that fucking feeling again. i really don't see how i can sustain myself in the future and i just feel like a giant burden. i hope i can get assisted suicide in my country otherwise i better build up the courage to drink my SN

 

[Hollowillow]

My life is such a joke. I'm so manic and I can't keep up with my depression. It seems like the lulls get darker and deeper each time. I don't see how I'll survive a depression deeper than the one I'm in now — I still don't know if I'm going to survive this time.

If being bipolar means I'll always have these drastic ups and downs, I just don't see a way around it. There is no cure and none of what prescribed has ever helped. This is hell.

I have reactive hypoglycemia, my blood gets bipolar if I eat sugar. Get tested. Glucose tolerance test. Veggies & meat. C & B. Save energy never 110% more like meh

 

[Walilamdzii]

Ummmm yeah, supposedly. That is what they have decided to call it.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I might have been at one point now I'm just pretty muted and anhedonic…

 

[Walilamdzii]

I might have been at one point now I'm just pretty muted and anhedonic…

Same.

 

[almaranthine]

Yeah I'm about 97% sure I am but I won't be going to the psychiatrist for a confirmation. I've had manic periods that have lasted for months and months. I've become full blown psychotic hearing voices (in fact believing that I could telepathically "channel" other people and talk to them), believing spirits/ghosts were around me, thinking people/entities could read my thoughts, as well as believing people around me were possessed, that spirits/entities were taking things from my house and/or rearranging things. Very sad. I've lost a lot throughout the course of my life because of this condition. In the throes of it, I cannot maintain a job, proper relationships, finances, housing, anything. Usually something happens with the car too. An accident or I end up crazy and stranded somewhere.

 

[freedompass]

Yeah I'm about 97% sure I am but I won't be going to the psychiatrist for a confirmation. I've had manic periods that have lasted for months and months. I've become full blown psychotic hearing voices (in fact believing that I could telepathically "channel" other people and talk to them), believing spirits/ghosts were around me, thinking people/entities could read my thoughts, as well as believing people around me were possessed, that spirits/entities were taking things from my house and/or rearranging things. Very sad. I've lost a lot throughout the course of my life because of this condition. In the throes of it, I cannot maintain a job, proper relationships, finances, housing, anything. Usually something happens with the car too. An accident or I end up crazy and stranded somewhere.

Wow I've had similar. So you stay away from psychiatric 'help' and don't take meds? Have you managed not to get sectioned/committed to hospital?

I was not able to do that. If I hadn't ended up in the system I highly doubt I would have got disability benefits so I guess it's the price I pay. These days I take the meds prescribed (now minimal) and stay away from the mental health services as much as possible.

 

[SarRy]

Bipolar is terrible. People don't understand how little control a person has. The worst part might be the regret from all the mistakes you make and people who get hurt when you lose control. Many people choose to cut you out of their lives and decide you're more trouble than you're worth. The regrets make the depression worse. Sometimes, the manias don't feel high enough, or long enough, to balance out the bad.

It's hard to keep a job when you can't be stable. Disability is there, but they make it hard to get in some places. The idea of having any sort of enduring relationship seems impossible as well. Raising a family? Passing on the illness sounds terrible and being stable enough to raise children sounds like it couldn't happen. It can be distressing to feel like normal life is an impossible standard.

The there are the mixed episodes. It's like bipolar function along two axes. One spectrum from high energy to low energy. One from manic joy to depression. The mixed episode with high energy and depression has been said to be the most likely time for suicide. Sometimes, it can feel like just waiting for the energy to go through with it.

On a different note, it can seem like a divine madness. All the chaos of the world is entwined in the experience. Mania can feel like going berserk. If there is a god, it seems wrathful, angry, loving beyond measure, merciful, etc. Something about it reminds me of the phrase "man would go mad to know the mind of God."

 

[almaranthine]

Wow I've had similar. So you stay away from psychiatric 'help' and don't take meds? Have you managed not to get sectioned/committed to hospital?

I was not able to do that. If I hadn't ended up in the system I highly doubt I would have got disability benefits so I guess it's the price I pay. These days I take the meds prescribed (now minimal) and stay away from the mental health services as much as possible.

No, I've been sectioned 3 times in my life, and voluntarily checked myself in twice. This is part of the reason why I have no faith whatsoever in the healthcare system. The first two times I was involuntarily committed were in college and I was very young, 18/19 yrs old. First time was a mistake, back before my mental health even began to deteriorate. The roommate I was living with in my dorm had a boyfriend and against policy he was living in the room with us. He was also cheating on her. One night after being buzzed, coming back from a party I was finally 1000% done with the situation and told her that he had assaulted me (which was true). He came in, realized what was going on... started threatening me and trying to provoke me into a physical altercation. I freaked out, being young and never having to deal with that kind of crazy before and straight up bolted from the room, leaving behind my shoes and phone even. He then called the cops on me and made up a story about me being "suicidal" (oh the irony of it now) and I was handcuffed and hauled off to the nearest mental hospital where I stayed for about 7-8hrs before they could release me. I was never fully admitted for care but the stay was on my "health record". This was my first horrifying experience with mental healthcare in America. At least the second time the next year I was involuntarily hospitalized I was in fact suffering from a manic/psychotic episode. After a suicide attempt a few years later, I was hospitalized a full 3 days or so. Upon being released I had a prescription for Ativan which really helped me at the time, later changed to Klonopin. The drug helped me tremendously with my anxiety and general condition but of course... the prescription was not renewed. I was offered SSRIs and refused them and never went back to be drugged again. The two times I voluntarily checked myself in they didn't give two fucks and did nothing... both times I was beginning to go manic and intervention could have helped but I'll never know. What about you?

 

[freedompass]

Oh man. If you are bipolar why the fuck would they give you SSRIs. Benzos can be great in the short term…anything longer is inadvisable. There's nothing worse than being packed off to hospital when you know you don't need to be. After the last 2 times that happened I was done having anything but essential contact with the 'services'. By lying low I'm not on their radar and these days I know how to keep myself safe in the event of a psychotic episode. The worst that can happen is probably getting banned from a suicide forum for upsetting someone or making an ass of myself on social media.

I have a very extensive record of forced hospitalisations. I lost count how many but I think between 20 and 30 stays averaging about 6 weeks each. Most occurred during my 30's and 40's, I'm 60 now and actually much improved. I actually feel better these days than I had any reason to expect!

The latest psych to be appointed (this is the NHS in the UK) I've only spoken to 3 times on the phone. Unusually he didn't want to prescribe antipsychotics. So I'm just on lamotrigine (lamictal) a mood stabiliser. Been stable on that all year so far. Grateful to that doc as I'd been on antipsychotics for years. Bottom line? They don't prevent psychosis and I'm better without them.

Are you able to function and work etc without being on meds?

 

[almaranthine]

Oh man. If you are bipolar why the fuck would they give you SSRIs. Benzos can be great in the short term…anything longer is inadvisable. There's nothing worse than being packed off to hospital when you know you don't need to be. After the last 2 times that happened I was done having anything but essential contact with the 'services'. By lying low I'm not on their radar and these days I know how to keep myself safe in the event of a psychotic episode. The worst that can happen is probably getting banned from a suicide forum for upsetting someone or making an ass of myself on social media.

I have a very extensive record of forced hospitalisations. I lost count how many but I think between 20 and 30 stays averaging about 6 weeks each. Most occurred during my 30's and 40's, I'm 60 now and actually much improved. I actually feel better these days than I had any reason to expect!

The latest psych to be appointed (this is the NHS in the UK) I've only spoken to 3 times on the phone. Unusually he didn't want to prescribe antipsychotics. So I'm just on lamotrigine (lamictal) a mood stabiliser. Been stable on that all year so far. Grateful to that doc as I'd been on antipsychotics for years. Bottom line? They don't prevent psychosis and I'm better without them.

Are you able to function and work etc without being on meds?

Yeah, I know the whole deal with benzos. Not sure how people out there get long term prescriptions for them... wish I could have at least had them for a few months. Idk why the dr tried to prescribe ssris. I wasn't presenting myself as bipolar but saying that I had extreme anxiety. At the time I was in a depressive phase, and wasn't manic. I'm happy for you that you've been given some medication that actually helps you. That is such a nice thing to hear.

The longest job I held was for 3 yrs. After I quit that position in early 2021 I have not been able to hold down a job. I got another similar position afterwards and lasted about 6 months before I became manic and quit for no reason. Since then, I have not been well and haven't been able to work at all. The only reason I'm not homeless is because of money I had saved and funds I inherited from my grandmother's passing. I'm basically catatonic now... I can barely leave the house. I've applied for jobs, and either couldn't bring myself to even go into an interview, didn't get hired after interviewing, or in one case, lasted 3 days before never showing up again.

 

[freedompass]

Yeah, I know the whole deal with benzos. Not sure how people out there get long term prescriptions for them... wish I could have at least had them for a few months. Idk why the dr tried to prescribe ssris. I wasn't presenting myself as bipolar but saying that I had extreme anxiety. At the time I was in a depressive phase, and wasn't manic. I'm happy for you that you've been given some medication that actually helps you. That is such a nice thing to hear.

The longest job I held was for 3 yrs. After I quit that position in early 2021 I have not been able to hold down a job. I got another similar position afterwards and lasted about 6 months before I became manic and quit for no reason. Since then, I have not been well and haven't been able to work at all. The only reason I'm not homeless is because of money I had saved and funds I inherited from my grandmother's passing. I'm basically catatonic now... I can barely leave the house. I've applied for jobs, and either couldn't bring myself to even go into an interview, didn't get hired after interviewing, or in one case, lasted 3 days before never showing up again.

Damn that sounds harsh. Some people acquire benzos online, I've done it myself but really wouldn't recommend. It may be a blessing in disguise that they wouldn't go on prescribing.

I hear you on the job thing. I've been on disability since my early 30's. In terms of having a viable future perhaps you could consider applying, tho there may be alternative ways to obtain an income without having to hold down a conventional job. Like, something from home where you can set your own terms and schedule. Sorry I know this is unsolicited advice. I just worry for those who aren't financially secure through no fault of theirs and wouldn't want that insecurity to be the cause of you ctb.

 

[BipolarExpress]

Yes. I received a diagnosis of Bipolar I this year after having a severe manic episode complete with psychosis. I've had symptoms longer than that, though.