Discussion Anybody’s main reason for CTB financial?

[turned_to_one]

It's a long story a may share here sometime, but I'm essentially stuck in the country far from all I know and all the people I care about.

Too far for people to drive up and visit with any regularity (hour one way), and nobody comes up during the winter. I've really messed up my body the past few years with how much driving I've done just to visit them regularly and I physically can't do it anymore without being in horrible pain.
And I am stuck in a sink hole of a building that no one wants to buy, so moving is not an option.
Life is also just getting more and more expensive. I can't afford to go out and do things anymore, though I slap everything onto credit because I'm becoming more certain that I won't be able to avoid killing myself for much longer.

I think it's cruel and funny that my life insurance will pay me enough to get out of here. It makes me think that at least my partner could, if I killed myself. He wouldn't have to be trapped here if I killed myself and left it all to him.

Is anyone else considering CTB due to money reasons?

 

[peacebenow]

it has been one contributing factor.

 

[Lamentice]

Yes, it's a stressor. I'm currently paying off debt I'm expecting to be cleared by end of year. But I don't make a lot of money, life is getting rapidly more expensive, and the people around me have higher education, careers, and property and really no perspective of a life like mine (I'm expected to travel for a wedding at the end of summer, they acknowledge it will be expensive for me, but they don't know it will take me months to pay off $650 for round trip plane tickets and a hotel if I don't just choose to try and sleep at the airport). It's also just more expensive to live with severe depression and fatigue and lack of motivation... I am too tired to cook food, clean my apartment, take care of myself, then responsibilities build up and it all gets worse.

After my debt is paid off I'm not gonna be financially stable. I have no savings and have been living paycheck to paycheck for over half a decade, I've had scares of homelessness finally catching up to me mutliple times every year. I'm replaceable at my job, anyone can do it, I don't have great social or networking skills and am disinterested anyway. It would be hard for me to find another job, but not hard to be replaced. My food stamps got taken away after the pandemic, I've been denied financial assistance for health insurance, but I can't afford to pay for health insurance myself, and I have to put grocery trips on a credit card.

End of the day--debt paid off or not--I'm always 1-2 missed paychecks away from eviction, I'm always 1 major health issue away from complete ruin, it is very stressful.

 

[yotaka]

If it's not the main reason, it's at least a major contributor. I'm in my late thirties and have no career, no retirement savings, and a ton of student debt. I work a part-time job that I absolutely hate. It takes every bit of energy I have, and it pays barely enough to survive on. If I have any sort of medical issue or accident or anything like that, I'm done. My apartment is in an old building with thin walls and floors, so I regularly get woken up throughout the night which makes it even harder to function during the day. I don't have any prospects for a better job or living situation. I'm basically just waiting to die.

But the thing is, at least according to the societal narrative here, I'm lazy, so I deserve all this.

 

[turned_to_one]

If it's not the main reason, it's at least a major contributor. I'm in my late thirties and have no career, no retirement savings, and a ton of student debt. I work a part-time job that I absolutely hate. It takes every bit of energy I have, and it pays barely enough to survive on. If I have any sort of medical issue or accident or anything like that, I'm done. My apartment is in an old building with thin walls and floors, so I regularly get woken up throughout the night which makes it even harder to function during the day. I don't have any prospects for a better job or living situation. I'm basically just waiting to die.

But the thing is, at least according to the societal narrative here, I'm lazy, so I deserve all this.

im so sorry, that sounds horrible.

and it's even more horrible to hear from other people that they think it means you're too lazy to get out of that situation.

i'm in my early 30's, and even with a career i'm just barely getting by. it's harder than ever out there. those people probably have parents who support them. no idea what it's like when you have nothing to fallback on, and have to work hard for every cent that can't even go into savings because no one's ever given you a handout to act as a buffer

 

[hurts2b]

A little yeah. Initially thought money/unemployment was my only problem but after getting some work lined up I'm beginning to think it's always been more complicated than that.

 

[HappyPotato69]

I feel like for the majority of ppl, their financial situation is a major reason. If every suicidal person got a million from nowhere it'll deffo fix a lot of ppl or at least delay it.

 

[yotaka]

im so sorry, that sounds horrible.

and it's even more horrible to hear from other people that they think it means you're too lazy to get out of that situation.

i'm in my early 30's, and even with a career i'm just barely getting by. it's harder than ever out there. those people probably have parents who support them. no idea what it's like when you have nothing to fallback on, and have to work hard for every cent that can't even go into savings because no one's ever given you a handout to act as a buffer

Thank you for reading and empathizing.

I think this is about it for me. My immediate supervisor (who is almost ten years younger than me) just called me in for a chat. She wants me to send her a list of all the things I do and how much time I spend on them. In other words, they're looking for a good reason to fire me. And there are plenty of reasons. I hardly do anything.

Maybe this is the push I needed.

 

[JoeFailure]

100%. If I had more money or a solid job I'd be staying, and even enjoying life.

im so sorry, that sounds horrible.

and it's even more horrible to hear from other people that they think it means you're too lazy to get out of that situation.

i'm in my early 30's, and even with a career i'm just barely getting by. it's harder than ever out there. those people probably have parents who support them. no idea what it's like when you have nothing to fallback on, and have to work hard for every cent that can't even go into savings because no one's ever given you a handout to act as a buffer

Can I ask what you do?

 

[turned_to_one]

100%. If I had more money or a solid job I'd be staying, and even enjoying life.


Can I ask what you do?

I'm a computer programmer - though the allure has long since expired.
I work from home since I've been pushed so far away from any major city and have no public transit. Was nice at first, but loneliness sets in hard and fast.

 

[JoeFailure]

I'm a computer programmer - though the allure has long since expired.
I work from home since I've been pushed so far away from any major city and have no public transit. Was nice at first, but loneliness sets in hard and fast.

There's a lot of things you can do with that though right? Like data analyst or scientist, I've heard a lot of those things but I'm not that familiar. Just throwing out ideas.

 

[turned_to_one]

There's a lot of things you can do with that though right? Like data analyst or scientist, I've heard a lot of those things but I'm not that familiar. Just throwing out ideas.

my career is good, and it pays well. or, at least it would have been amazing 7 years ago.

right now living expenses have gone up so much that im paycheck to paycheck. my country has one of the highest costs of living in the world rn, and it's part of why i got pushed out of my home town. no one wants the house im in, and i can't afford to improve it.

i can't look for another job either because my country has also encouraged businesses to stop allowing remote work to force people to go to the cities to spend more money. i got grandfathered into the remote policy at my current job because i got hired during COVID. the closest city i could go to work in my field is a two hour one way drive away, and i really don't think my body could handle that now

 

[JoeFailure]

my career is good, and it pays well. or, at least it would have been amazing 7 years ago.

right now living expenses have gone up so much that im paycheck to paycheck. my country has one of the highest costs of living in the world rn, and it's part of why i got pushed out of my home town. no one wants the house im in, and i can't afford to improve it.

i can't look for another job either because my country has also encouraged businesses to stop allowing remote work to force people to go to the cities to spend more money. i got grandfathered into the remote policy at my current job because i got hired during COVID. the closest city i could go to work in my field is a two hour one way drive away, and i really don't think my body could handle that now

Ahh, are you in the US?

 

[turned_to_one]

Ahh, are you in the US?

no, i am in canada -which has housing almost 5x as expensive as US equivalent. Food is also very high, and our dollar is about half the US dollar. It is not great

 

[hmnow]

It's part of the mix.

 

[Seneca65AD]

For the longest time, financial "need" was the primary reason I considered CTB. I say "need" because I kept focussing on what I did not have instead of what I did. My home is large ...but it does not have an in-door pool. My family and I get to take long vacations where ever we want.....but we have to fly commercially when several of my daughter's friends have private planes. My holding company owns several properties but not one is on a lake. I could go on but even just typing this makes me realize how screwed up my thinking was/is.

There are people on SaSu who are homeless, or are in abusive relationships, hell, even members whose very lives are in danger because of their sexual orientation, and I am complaining about my life??? The funny thing is that I don't feel better but actually feel worse when I think about my life compared to others. I wasted so many years "feeling" so depressed when my life was damn near perfect - my wife and daugther are amazing - but I keep thinking about checking out.

I have 2 very substantial life insurance policies that would pay off in non-taxable dollars because I've been maintaining the premiums personally. So, I always had a fall-back position if my financial life did not turn around.

However, my law firm is experiencing another financial growth spurt; my previous cash injections are being paid back; new clients are coming out of the wood-work and I've already expanded personnel just to keep up with the new business. And you guessed it....I'm still thinking about suicide because I can't buy the recently listed Montana ranch, or the Florida estate....etc.

The vast majority of my life has been wasted on thinking that I will be happy "when".....and now I am realizing that I never will. One has to admit that seems like the ultimate irony; I get a life that 99.99% of the planet would objectively envy, and all I think about is how depressed I feel. Of course that raises the question of who has the most pitiful life? The person who has nothing and is still trying to make it every day while thinking about suicide? Or the person who has money and a great family and still can't be happy? Perhaps this is what the psychologists mean when they discuss the "Irony of Fate".

In hindsight, the last time I remember feeling truly happy was when I was taking a gap year between high-school and university. I was broke, spent all my money on a 72 Camaro, worked construction and hung out with friends. I still remember finishing off a heavy job on a Friday in 1985. We were cleaning up the site and Dire Straits' Money for Nothing came on the radio we had blasting. All of us (6 in total) started singing the song and god, it was such a glorious feeling of freedom and happiness - and my bank account was negative. I still get tears when I think back to my friends, my experiences and just life in general.

Sorry for me droning on.

 

[DeadManLiving]

I feel like for the majority of ppl, their financial situation is a major reason. If every suicidal person got a million from nowhere it'll deffo fix a lot of ppl or at least delay it.

Basically. And yet billions of government funding and grants gets blown away in behavioral health and siphoned up to line up pockets under the guise of suicide prevention.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Ultimately- yes. Not because I'm in debt- yet but, because it dictates my entire life. I want to at least do a job that I vaguely enjoy but then, I'm too slow at it and I need to provide a competetive service- which means my whole life is dominated and consumed by work. That wasn't a problem when I loved it but now, it's sometimes a chore- like every other damn thing.

I feel like having money would definitely make it easier to live and to choose how to spend my time. I'm not sure it would banish all suicidal thoughts and prevent my eventual suicide. It's not like you can bribe illness and old age to leave you alone. But, I would definitely feel more free and less stressed the entire time.

That said, how I got that money would make a difference. I wouldn't feel comfortable for someone else to support me. Even inheritance tends to make me feel guilty. I'd need to win it ideally. Even if I earnt it, I probably wouldn't feel worthy of it. I suppose I'm overly fussy about my source of happiness.

 

[yotaka]

I want to at least do a job that I vaguely enjoy but then, I'm too slow at it and I need to provide a competetive service- which means my whole life is dominated and consumed by work. That wasn't a problem when I loved it but now, it's sometimes a chore- like every other damn thing.

I feel this. The constant drive to maximize productivity turns everything into a miserable grind.