Venting angel's vent thread - broke my own wings

[squiddedoutt]

i wonder how much time i will give myself, another year maybe? see where that takes me? im honestly still indecisive, because i feel so guilty hurting my family and loved ones, but i dont know if i can hold out forever, and im going to get everything i need to do it whenever it is time

god i feel so the same, i want to be all ready when the time comes mentally

but idk if it being in your stomach is important or not, like would it need to be in your stomach acid or is bypassing that fine? idk, i have a feeling it will make no difference besides the inability to drain it or throw it up, which will probably help it be more successful (even tho SN seems naturally reliable)

I read (somewhere i dont recall) on here that the reaction between SN and your stomach acid produces NO which is actually a reason for the relatively quick time to unconsciousness, probably best to get the stomach reaction, I'm not sure anyone has documented putting it directly into the intestine

i dont wanna bother anyone woth it, but at the same time i want ppl to know a little something..

this duality really hits. I really don't want to make people feel bad because of my feeling bad but sometimes its kinda nice to not be suffering silently

SN seems like the best method for me, especially when i will combine it with other meds to calm me and also knock me out more, maybe give myself a nice high before it's all over, i would rather go out high than sober, not have to feel my body at least as much before it all stops. i wonder if i will happen after, if i will go to an afterlife i believe in or if it will be like a dreamless sleep, darkness that cant even be described as darkness as you arent experiencing it, more like nothingness. i guess i will just have to see, either way the pain will be over so it will be a relief

sweet sweet relief , you do have quite the medicine collection, i guess a small bonus given everything you've been through,
about that, after reading through your posts, From my distant eyes as an internet stranger,

You've really been through one hell of a ride.

The typical human experience doesn't include any mental illnesses, that's why they're illnesses. Much less a combination of many. Much less starting in mid-childhood and running strong ever since. Add on everything else that pains you everyday, I couldn't imagine having to deal with physical problems just trying to type on my laptop, it's a lot.

I guess I just wanted to say that. That because of everything you've been through you're strong for being here. Even if you spent every day just effortlessly drifting along with life you would still be strong.
And over all of it you still care deeply enough for how others' feel to question ending your own suffering. That probably feels like a curse holding you here, that's one thing I can relate to. But it is amazing you still care despite every hurt you've felt. How many people who choose to hurt others have gone through less?
I feel confident saying all this just having read your words on a screen. You've lived it.
You don't need to, but I'd say you've death-inetly earned a peaceful end.


I hope you find the best version of what you want, if life or if death. <3



(also, the potion idea would be nice looking C:, at least nicer than a cloudy white salt solution)

 

[wannabeangel]

god i feel so the same, i want to be all ready when the time comes mentally

exactlyyy im glad im not alone in that, it makes me feel safe having "unsafe" items lol

I read (somewhere i dont recall) on here that the reaction between SN and your stomach acid produces NO which is actually a reason for the relatively quick time to unconsciousness, probably best to get the stomach reaction, I'm not sure anyone has documented putting it directly into the intestine

ohhh i would have to look into that! i saw some posts say that you use antiacids to fix the ph of your stomach so the SN doesnt break down, and putting it directly into the jejunum, the part that absorbs the most nutrients or whatever you put in there the fastest. with the nausea med thats recommended usually, it's actually something i tried for my gastroparesis, as it speeds up digestion and lessens bile buildup, so a SN drink will pass through faster, at least thats what i gathered while browsing. maybe i will have to be the one to take one for the team of other suicidal tubies and share my experience with it if/when the time comes

this duality really hits. I really don't want to make people feel bad because of my feeling bad but sometimes its kinda nice to not be suffering silently

ugh fr i hate to make ppl feel bad or worry

sweet sweet relief , you do have quite the medicine collection, i guess a small bonus given everything you've been through,

yeah i got a good collection of prescriptions from over the years of being physically and mentally ill lmfaooo literally one of the only perks to dealing with all my bs

about that, after reading through your posts, From my distant eyes as an internet stranger,

You've really been through one hell of a ride.

The typical human experience doesn't include any mental illnesses, that's why they're illnesses. Much less a combination of many. Much less starting in mid-childhood and running strong ever since. Add on everything else that pains you everyday, I couldn't imagine having to deal with physical problems just trying to type on my laptop, it's a lot.

I guess I just wanted to say that. That because of everything you've been through you're strong for being here. Even if you spent every day just effortlessly drifting along with life you would still be strong.
And over all of it you still care deeply enough for how others' feel to question ending your own suffering. That probably feels like a curse holding you here, that's one thing I can relate to. But it is amazing you still care despite every hurt you've felt. How many people who choose to hurt others have gone through less?
I feel confident saying all this just having read your words on a screen. You've lived it.
You don't need to, but I'd say you've death-inetly earned a peaceful end.


I hope you find the best version of what you want, if life or if death. <3



(also, the potion idea would be nice looking C:, at least nicer than a cloudy white salt solution)

thank you your words really mean a lot to me life really has been one hell of a ride, i dont get why my human experience has to be so... complex. and not even in the fun ways, in the ways that keep you up at night wondering if you could have done anything differently, if that would change where i am right now. it's hard to feel strong, but i know it's a strong thing to keep pushing through all this just by existing, i can tell by how exhausting it feels after so long. i hope i can have a peaceful end no matter what form it comes in

i do with my empathy didnt feel like such a curse at times though, because if i didnt care i would not be in pain much longer, but my heart bleeds love for so many, it's the only thing that's been keeping me alive this long. i know its not a bad thing to be so caring, or hypersensitive (i feel like i fall under what ppl usually call HSP/empaths, and not empath in the meme way empath as in i can tell my mom is anxious over something when she is in the opposite room because i can feel it, groups of people with strong emotions i get quite sensitive to as well) since it does help me understand people better, since i can literally put myself in their shoes, understand what/why/how they're feeling something, and people seem to appreciate that. but its also emotionally draining on myself for so many reasons



i wanna make mine a pretty potion tho if/when i take SN finally, still trying to decide a color lol, maybe pink or blue i like those both


(edit; below this is supposed to be a separate post but they were merged, not related to above replies lol)

i talked to my ex husband again a lil tonight in vr.... god i missed him, i get so many mixed emotions tho, i get anxious that it will just never be the same again. but i love him, so i say yes to him, i would still do anything for him.. he says he's been lonely without me, i've been lonely without him since the day i left... he said first i forget the exact wording but it was more along the lines of "i still somewhat/kind of love you" he worded it like he wasnt sure if he loved me completely again still, but then as we got cozy and close he tells me "i love you" like normal.. i dont know if im overthinking it. i cant put it to words but i had an anxious odd feeling when he said he felt more relieved and less scared after the divorce papers offically went through, and apologized for times he may have snapped at me, im assuming for stuff that he said more like a threat if i was gonna try anything to fight the divorce, but i was never going to do that. my actions broke it, why would i break it more? i do appreciate his apology tho.... but i dont know where we are going from here. do i have to tolerate keeping the love of my life as a fuck buddy in VR? because he cant love me truly again? is it only because others dont treat him the same as me, like he also told me tonight? i dont know whats true or false or right or wrong, i just feel so broken... but at least i have a little part of him again.....

im just listening to my suicide vent playlist and thinking... ugh ending my life means hurting him so fucking much even more than what i've already done, but i really wish i could peacefully make all the pain stop. part of me wants to be open about my thoughts more with him, but im also terrified to, i dont want him to tell my mom and i dont want him scared and worried about me, he was worried enough finding me blacked out in his bathroom the night my life flipped upside down, and how my neck is doing, and im sure he has other worries because i know he is genuinely so caring and loving.... every time we talk again tho it ends up being mainly about sexy stuff,,,, how needy he is for me,,,, i love it but i also get so anxious, like maybe now because of what i've done this is all im good for, a toy that cannot stop bleeding complete unconditional love, despite his love seeming to be pushed easily by conditions. i feel like im bad for thinking this way tho, he always says how he doesnt wanna use me, asks if its okay, i say its okay because it is okay to me, but another part inside me seems to get stirred up, making me feel worried and anxious and like im being bad in some way

im up way too late at night again, well basically morning soon its like 5:30am for me, i was up this long last night too, driving me a little insane, i took an extra 200mg benadryl to hopefully pass out, might eat a little more for fun fuck it, took 4 more just now i wonder if i had enough to see the hat man lmfaooo i hope i get so drowsy. i wish i could lucid dream so i can kill myself in my dream, just to see how it feels

 

[wannabeangel]

hung out with my mom downstairs for a bit because i keep feeling anxious and so exhausted in every way possible about my health, body and circumstances. i cried a lot and it was emotional, it wasnt anything really bad but now the memory of everything said that i wanted to vent about is a blur. i struggle a lot with dissociation, in the past i was dx with DID during one psych ward stay, but i still am in very much denial about it especially with all the stigma, even when shit pops up inside me or around me showing me otherwise, and the fucking memory issues oh my god.... i always forget what i wanted to say when its all over or even while its happening, i dont notice myself shutting off until its too late. i still deny the diagnosis tho even tho it's been documented since i was at leastttt 11yo? but it wasnt fully understood until i was older and more unstable, but i still deny it even when too much shit happens otherwise

i wanted to vent about something she said that made me think about my ctb plans, something about living idk its so foggy, but it just made me think about all my thoughts that turned into backup planning more seriously. i wish i remembered what she said. i vented about being so fucking tired tho.. she keeps pushing me to hang in there and keep trying but.... i dont know how long i can try for

now that my ex is talking to me again things are extra confusing..... i cant tell if he loves me or just misses the intimacy of the past.... i wish i could vent to him about my thoughts, but i dont want him feeling guilty, especially if i actually go through with it and this isnt some very bad phase. but with my health i feel so hopeless just with that alone, and my trauma from wards and hospitals and so much is a burden to carry in my mind. i dont want to hurt anyone tho....... thats the part that stops me, if i didnt have to worry about it i would be dead already

that reminds me how her boyfriend during a talk with me said that if i was left alone on the street, that im strong and would pull myself up, find a job, and figure it out. i just stayed quiet and nodded slightly, because i couldnt admit if i had nobody then the reasons im still alive are completely gone, and i can go worry free, and it would be bliss. if i was homeless i would probably have to jump, but i am so close to the city, so many extremely tall buildings that are almost impossible to survive, its a train ride away. i can enjoy the buzzing life of the city, another place that feels like home even if i dont go out there all the time, its so full of life, they call it the city that never sleeps for a reason, i wish i could live there honestly

if i could actually live life, i would love having a shitty apartment all to myself, where i can do my art, and hopefully have an electric wheelchair so i can go down the streets to anywhere i want, and be free. but i dont know if i will ever have that opportunity, everything feels so hopeless. i dont know how to function as a human being

im just sobbing thinking of everything, what my mom said, what her boyfriend said about if i didnt have anyone to help me, my mom bringing up how she thinks that i blame myself for my illness or that im faking it, when i feel that way because people made me to think that. now i have memories of sobbing in pain dragging myself along the psych ward floor because the doctors thought i was faking it and my hip wasnt out of place and i wasnt having SI joint nerve pain, and didnt let my parents help me. its humiliating. too many times i was treated like less than human for things i couldnt control, i was punished for my own pain, told it was a bunch of other psych issues like BPD or schizotypal or MDD with psychotic traits and overmedicated me, causing a bunch of new issues, more trauma while trying to figure things out, feeling like im going insane as the antipsychotics they gave me made me actually hallucinate and dissociate more. so many times i have been told its all in my mind, so now even with proof its not my head its my body, i still dont believe it, then i get so FUCKING ANGRY for little child angel, she had no clue what was going on, she just felt broken, and it had to be her fault, people told her its her fault, told her she was selfish for cutting and wanting to ctb, which made little angel cry and cut even more

i keep mourning the person i could have been, if people actually understood what was going on with me the correct way, and treated me properly. now i am 23, stuck in bed for most of the day every day besides doctors appointments, feeling like the teen i used to be inside, slitting her wrist and thigh for relief, wondering why she is this way, wishing it would all be over with. but i cant cut, i dont want to be put into a ward again, and i dont want to be caught at all and make my mom scared again. i traumatized my family with my own suffering, and i hate myself for it. that makes ctbing hard because i know my exit will traumatize them even more..... god i fucking hate myself, i wish i could just make the pain end.....

im crying too much so gonna end this vent here but..... fuck. everything is so exhausting and confusing, i dont know how to deal with this

 

[wannabeangel]

cried a lot more, been adding on to my last notes i would give my loved ones, cried even more. but i got my ambien finally to 10mg thru my J tube so hopefully it works fast, im so tired and emotional i wanna sleep

as i relax im gonna draw vent art of different methods because why not! if you have a suggestion of a method i should draw feel free to suggest, i keep having art block. i end up looking at shock sites for refs/inspo

 

[squiddedoutt]

i wish i had more comfort to give than digital screen words, i guess more than words in general

it sounds really rough for you right now, like a huge hurricane of emotions, i'm glad you can find a little spot in the eye of the storm (what would we do without drugs),
I hope you drift nicely out of today, even if tomorrow may not be much better.

<3



i always thought dying on a beach far away from people would be nice
what about someone slipping away from SN in the windows lock screen cove

 

[wannabeangel]

i wish i had more comfort to give than digital screen words, i guess more than words in general

it sounds really rough for you right now, like a huge hurricane of emotions, i'm glad you can find a little spot in the eye of the storm (what would we do without drugs),
I hope you drift nicely out of today, even if tomorrow may not be much better.

<3

thank you you sharing that you wish to give more comfort is more than enough, really

it has been really rough lately, i feel like a confused mess rn. i dont know what to do with my life or when to end my life, so its all so overwhelming

im hoping my sleep meds knock me out this time, im gonna be sad if they dont, sleep meds are rough and weird with me, i get used to them too easily

i always thought dying on a beach far away from people would be nice
what about someone slipping away from SN in the windows lock screen cove

View attachment 199214

going to the beach to die would be lovely, where i live there are plenty of beaches, they usually are often windy or cold unless prime summer hours, a lockscreen could be good enough lol, or maybe i just use my VR to see a beach as i slip away

 

[wannabeangel]

struggling because the ambien didnt work.... trying my amitriptyline again, might just tell my mom it works even if it doesnt so i can stockpile them as my backup method, might add it to my SN recipe with the benzos for extra sedation, i'll do some pharmaceutical research when i have the motivation. i wish i had a decent opioid to OD on, i only have tramadol and that will just cause a seizure while i OD, i dont want that. ik opis arent recommended for SN protocols because of how they slow the GI track, but i feel like my feeding tube bypasses that issue. im scared about it burning or making me cramp, but usually meds dont make me cramp if im slow and use warm water, and vodka in my J burns less if i water it down. i may have to use a bit more water than suggested to do that tho, or maybe just push very slowly? idk :| maybe i could put a numbing solution into the liquid as well, minimize any burning. tbh im sure it wont burn any more than most of the meds i got thru and IV before (benadryl burns, some painkillers burn, and i think it was potassium or something that shit burned a lot) if it's that level of burning i can handle it, i know i can

my mom is making me a snack and idk if she is gonna hang out in my room with me cuz i was texting her emotionally saying i dont wanna be alone, but i also wanna listen to my suicide playlist and cry, but i needed her help with meds to sleep, she gave me ami and my extra strong muscle relaxer thru my J tube, im praying i can rest before my pain management appointment

i spent a lil time in vr with my ex again too, we only cuddled until he fell asleep and i was just trying not to cry the whole time, petting the cheek of his avatar while imagining his real face next to me in bed, like how it used to be.... and thinking about how much i will miss him, and how much i miss the future we could of had together if i wasnt stupid thinking selling pics of myself secretly to fix finacial guilt + trauma made me feel like its the one thing im good at/my only worth, didnt stop like i wanted to so fucking badly now our future is broken and wont be the same.... holding him i thought about how he would feel if i was dead, i know it will hurt him so much, i dont wanna hurt him more than i already have..... and im scared he will just follow in my footsteps...... i really want him to live a happy, healthy life like i know he can, i want the image of him holding his handgun to his head to stop being flashed into my mind intrusively by my horrid imagination. and god if he tried and survived... i dont want him disabled, especially not from an attempt gone wrong. i want him happy and good..... i want him to be able to move on, find better joy elsewhere.....

i had a sick thought tho.... a part of me kinda wishes, if me and him decided that we both really want to CTB, then maybe we do it together..... its sick but fuck its so romantic, i wanted to die with him. i wanted to in the way of us growing old together, but if life is such a mess and we both cant figure out how to keep going forward but love each other so much, then we can go together in peace, cuddled together arms locked around each other, final kisses and prayers, us comforting eachother as the SN takes over (im not allowing him to use a gun, i dont like guns) and sharing our final breaths...... is that fucked of me? i saw a video the other day of a couple who FSH themselves together, and god the way she held onto him after they stepped off the chairs before she i assumed finally fainted and let go.... i think im gonna rewatch it. idk if its good to be looking at these things, or wrong of me imagining if that was me and him, or any suicide vid i imagine if it was me. i wish i could find more SN videos for more reference that are people following the actual protocol, but im sure there arent many vids out there in the first place

ugh. i feel like there is something wrong with me, how can i care and feel so much, yet have twisted thoughts, indulge in the morbid, think violent things (even if i would never do them), and dark desires that are masochistic, ill, and cause harm to both myself and others (even when i just do things only to myself, it ends up harming those i care about) that i wish i could give into even a liiiiiittle bit, but im trapped by what is expected of me, and what people want for me because they care about me, but im.... idk where i was going with this, im just so lost, so fucking lost

sometimes i wish i could run away with someone i become friends with, maybe with the same desires as me, and just go fucking wild before its time to say goodbye for good. then maybe my family will have something to direct their anger towards instead of themselves, "blaming" the person i ran off with instead of themselves, so hopefully they can heal slightly easier without self blame. i would rather die comfy at home, but this other option i might daydream about a little more...

i feel like such a messed up freak under the mask of a troubled but strong girl/young woman, if only people knew every thought in my head, every desire, every pain, every memory, maybe they would understand why i want to leave this world so badly. i never felt human, i always just wore the skin of one, and that skin i used to slice open just to bleed out drips of my true authentic self, my true feelings and what i am under my skin, the pain i feel made visible. now my skin-suit's scars have faded, showing how long it has been since it started and since it "ended". i keep my good girl mask on as i resist the urge to make fresh scars, since i cant get out of this life already