Venting angel's vent thread - broke my own wings

[wannabeangel]

i wanted to make my own thread to just vent and rant when i need to without making a ton of separate posts. shit is hard right now and i need somewhere to get this out.

i've always wanted to ctb since at least 11yo, didnt think i would make it past 18 even, but the only thing that's really kept me from doing anything is not wanting to hurt and bother my family and loved ones even more than i already do alive. that's what kept me alive so far. i feel like its starting to not be enough of a reason to keep suffering though... on top of being disabled and in chronic pain all the time, that's only bound to get worse with age, making my worst mistake trying to fix my money issues which lead to the love of my life not trusting me anymore and we're still in the process of divorce after being together since 2023 and we were married for 4 months before i fucking ruined my life and his by being stupid repeating what groomers taught me as a kid because sometimes it's all i feel like im worth for, nothing else ever seems to work or matter

my husband was the one who actually made me happy to grow old with, even if i had to suffer from pain, because his love changed so much inside me and made me feel like a person again after being alone after a 5 year long abusive relationship with my ex gf that wasted my teen years. i was just stuck in limbo before i finally talked to him again after years, and now everything is broken and lost again without him. i cant see a future for myself anymore again. im starting to think im not supposed to have one, and im just waiting for the perfect moment to ctb.

i cant help but feel guilty about it, because i promised others i will stay safe and i wont do anything, but ive been researching and drafting letters for everyone, even if i dont think i am doing it anytime too soon, but i want to have everything ready. that feels... comforting. i hate feeling so guilty about everything tho, i feel guilty about living and dying, nothing i do ever seems to be right or work right, i cant fix anything and i cant get any pain, emotional or physical, to just fucking stop. i want it all to stop. drugs help, the ones that do im out of tho and just have weed to keep me semi-sane. my family and others tell me things will get better, get easier, be less hard, but when is that supposed to happen????? i feel like i've been waiting all my life for it to be easier. my brain never let life be easy since i was 5 and nothing has actually changed, people think im better because im better at keeping it to myself, and having enough self control to not cut myself and make my mental state too obvious. and i had to stop showing my mental issues for proper treatment of physical health issues, i have been dismissed too many times, i feel like nobody ever believes my pain because of it and sometimes i dont even believe it myself. i feel like im being dramatic and should just get over it. but i cant, i cant just stop it no matter how much i try to deny it because nobody else could see. i dont think anyone will ever fully see or understand

i wish i wasnt a pussy who cared too much about others so i can just stop my suffering. i always have the issue of putting others first before myself, i want to stop that. im just so tired, and im tired of being tired. i wish i could at least go into a coma for a while if i cant die. i have a feeling that my plans to ctb are going to get more and more serious though. i have already been researching methods and figuring out what i can use with the meds i have and whatever else i could buy somehow. been considering SN mixed with some extra meds to make me hopefully pass out sooner. an OD of some sort seems like the best option for me, i dont wanna be found hanging (my mom had to cut a rope from my neck before when i was younger, i was trying to get out of it when she caught me but i couldn't) that will make my body look even worse. i dont like guns so i dont want that, jumping is too risky i dont want to just cripple myself more, there's a train near by but i dont want to cause strangers harm on my way out, but its still on my backup list because i hear the train every night. maybe i could drown, i live right next to water, but i would like a more peaceful way of going out before any other options, and i would like my family to know i passed without pain

idk where im going with my rambling anymore, i will prob rant more in this thread later tn when my brain attacks me with every bad thought ever. this is fun as my first actual thread here lol


edited my post by accident instead of just replying, fixing that rn because now it pissed me off lol
(new edit apparently my replies just get added to the original post ig idk whats going on)


another thing that fucking sucks is that i know my husband has in the past and recently because of our divorce wanted to ctb, it feels selfish of me for me to wanna die while i dont want him to, i dont want him in pain and suffering. even tho i love all of my memories with him and he helped me so much more than he will ever realize, i kinda wish i didnt reach out again after not texting him back since 2017 (i was in and out of psych wards a a lot around the time, i couldnt keep up with game DMs) so then he wouldnt have to feel any of this pain right now nor any pain if/when i ctb. the divorce is honestly what brought my thoughts back so hard, why continue if i broke the thing i was continuing for despite my pain? why tough out the pain if i wont get anything out of it besides other people around me being comforted that im breathing, even if my breaths are heavy with pain? is it even worth it to keep trying? i have been crying daily for 48 days now since it all happened, and i had to take a flight back home only two days after the papers were signed, he got the papers the same day he found me blacked out in the bathroom from overmedicating myself trying to cope with pain + lack of sleep + guilt and he found my other phone i was using to still try and sell a few pictures of myself when he told me 3 days before to stop and i said i would but i couldnt i dont know why i was such an idiot. i felt like i was 13 again getting myself into shit situations with preds and groomers, all because i felt guilty over my mom spending so much on me + credit cards she got me are late and maxxed out dropping my credit score so much which scared me because i dont understand all this adult shit i never finished school past 9th grade and grew up in wards, hospitals and therapy offices, i didnt learn how to adult, and i dont feel like an adult even tho i turn 24 this year.

everything is just my fault and it hurts. i still contact him still, secretly. it keeps being confusing, he will come to me for long distance sex/intimacy but still says we need to move on, and we will never work, and he cant love me romantically again even if he moans how much he does love me in the moment. its driving me insane feeling so close and having it ripped away again, but he is lonely and i dont want him lonely. he also just told me he doesnt want me sacrificing myself for him just so he isnt lonely.... but before he would ask things like "is this what i deserve?" and how he just asked for one thing from me after tearing apart his life and dreams with my stupid mistake. he doesnt want me feeling pressured but..... some stuff feels kinda pressuring,,, but i cant say that to him, not directly, idk if what i said hints at my inner conflict with it still, maybe.... its just hard...... if he cant trust me with anything else why does he trust me just to mess around still...... it starts to confirm in my mind that my groomers were right, my body and obedience is all im good for, it will always come down to that even if i thought i had love.....

i just dont know what to do anymore, i never know what to do but especially not right now, im so fucking lost.

 

[wannabeangel]

ughhhhh another bad morning

even though i took so many meds last night (ambien, a bit of benadryl, weed like always, like 7mg of kpins spaced out overnight/morning, dont think i had anything else) not to attempt but to get some fucking sleep, i only slept 3h on ALLLLLLL of that tho. what the fuck is wrong with me. i only passed out once my mom brought me food at like 10am and i woke up with my elbow in it and a mess 3h later. which just made me feel more like shit and guilty i ruined it when i really wanted to eat. i dont wanna eat anymore, had one bite and it tasted wrong.

the first thing i did waking up is panic and cry over that, go to my google doc journal to vent a bit about my morning, then came back straight to here because i left all my tabs open on accident. i dont think my mom saw, she would have said something.

last night i was making notes on different methods. specifically, SN and an exit bag, since i could use the exit bag in VR i believe. vr has always been my escape, i wouldnt mind leaving it that way too. even if it was a public world for sleep and relaxing nobody would believe or know what i was really doing, even if over time my heart tracker went to 0. they dont have to believe me, prob better on them, but i like to listen to others chatting and having fun, it would be nice for that to be the last thing i do.

i still keep trying to give myself some sorta hope, especially when i have no tools i need, and there is still a few more things i would like to do again before i go. kinda like a bucket list. if i complete the bucket list and things still aren't better, than i know what to do more. most of it is just seeing more family in person again, especially my dad and little bros,
technically half sibs but that doesnt matter, i helped take there of them as babies when i was 11 and i love them so much, i feel so guilty about rarely seeing them because they live with my dad and stepmom who's a POS that overdrugged them so much so young, and only cares about herself. they're like 12 and 9 now i think, i feel like a terrible oldest sis for not remembering.... i hope they remember i love them so much. i need to hang out with them more before i go

i wanna see my dad too, maybe go fishing one last time like when i was a kid, i miss him waking me up before sunrise, forcing me out of bed to get dressed and ready, went to the bait store to pick up some fresh bait that stunk but i was weird and mess with the dead fish, stopping by the deli or 7-11 to get a baconeggncheese (if you get this then u can prob guess where i live/grew up lmfao, feel free to guess idc guessing games are fun) i miss hearing him saying "can i get uh two baconeggncheese-saltpepperketchup, and i would also get shitty hot cocoa that tasted amazing while he got coffee, and we ate our food as we drove to the dock and fished for snappers and sometimes crabs. i loved that as a kid, i had more boy hobbies i guess lol, but makes sense being the only girl born in my close family for a long time lol. i loved to catch the fish and show him, it was fun as he taught me to cast a line, and helped me not panic too much when the hook got caught in my skin on accident. i liked when the yellow-jacket wasps would hang out on the poles of the dock trying to eat the bait. i didnt want to put my hand too close and bother them, so i took a tiny fish and put it to the side for the wasp and it ate it and relaxed as i fished. my dad liked how i wasnt scared of it, there's no reason to be scared of them, they're actually nice unless you trigger them. im rambling about the wasp now.... but i just miss being a kid then, things were good when him and my ex step mom werent fighting.

i wanna do some hobbies i havent in a long time due to all my issues before it all too, i used to love horseback riding, archery, riding my bike, going hiking and being in nature. i need to horseback ride again, thats just a must. ik i can in the afterlife, but i need to know that this body can do it again, even if it hurts. i wanna do archery a bit. there is stuff i still wanna do tbh.... i missed out on so much of my life with my physical and mental health since 8. why did i feel like that so young?

maybe my bucket list might keep me going for a while, maybe something will change my mind, but i still always wait for the right time to stop suffering for all

 

[wannabeangel]

posting a lot today lol... made my mom concerned by how depressed she can see i am, and mentioning im kinda using my guitar like SH until my fingers hurt too much or bleed. better than nothing ig. its hard to hide the depression, but i tell her and everyone i will be safe. i wish i could give in so bad, trying to not be hospitalized tho and not give away too much. if i had better drugs rn i would feel better, but i am fucking broke, i need a braindead high rn if i cant be dead. i have one friend who i have been talking to and he's been supportive of me getting better, and knows i think these things kinda but i also tell him i wont do anything, but he also has no clue. making a new friend during all this is fucking hard. i wish nobody knew me so my death will mean nothing

i dont know if im gonna be able to sleep again, im tired but idk. tired doesnt mean shit to my brain. been trying to make a suicide playlist, maybe to listen to when i go but for rn just to vent. maybe if i cant sleep i will work more on my notes, maybe, idk, writing notes is so fucking hard. at least i have some time to think it out. maybe i will be reckless and visit my friend impulsively when i probably shouldnt getting through this divorce. at least i can drink at his place, lucky bastard. why not just go crazy and do stupid shit like i should have as a teen before i go out. live fast die young

 

[wannabeangel]

opened up to my friend about some stuff, it both felt nice but i regret it too. he wants me to keep trying, and likes how i keep wanting to try despite everything. i admitted to wishing to SH still, and also die, but said i am just not allowed to do those things. opened up about my eating disorder to him too, never admitted that to anyone without an ED. he encourages me to keep trying, and that i can accomplish things, and how life is still worth living, but he understands how that can be so hard for me with my disabilities and chronic shitty mental health. i keep telling him i will keep trying, like i tell everyone, but idk if i can try forever. he wants me to visit him some time, it would be nice to add that to my bucket list of things to do before i go. selfish of me to make new people care about me before i make my choice. he said we can drink, go to bars with friends like normal young adults, even offered to take me to a rave which i would adore, thats been on my bucketlist since i was a little kid.

i wish i didnt open up so much, i told him im worried about ppl worrying about me, and he said he wont worry. but he also pointed out how i cant deal with my mind on my own like i always do, im not stable enough for that. maybe i will vent to him sometimes, but when it gets close i wont talk about it anymore, i'll act happy and normal

idk if i will sleep tn, its almost 6am and i have been just trying to find songs about suicide for my playlist, if you have suggestions feel free to share


anyone can reply to this vent thread about anything, it helps me feel less alone, you wont bother me while im being emo asf lol this is the place for ts

 

[wannabeangel]

even tho my friend keeps trying to give me hope since the night we met in VR, i spent all my time i said i would use to sleep researching methods, trying to find SN (the hints on this site confuse me, but i understand protecting the source, ik im new but i hope someone would trust me enough to lemme know eventually, im unsure how my state regulates buying it tbh, ik you cant be under 21 which is no issue for me, idk the rest tho) and looking into exit bags more because the more i think about it, ctb in VR with a bag sounds nice, i dont have to see the plastic or my same 4 walls around me, i can be somewhere completely new. i have a heart tracker i use in the game a lot, to check my PoTS just by looking up + fun gimmick. if my friends were online and walked in on me, my tracker should let them know im not just sleeping. i will prob put my status as like "thank you, goodbye" or something. kinda attention seeking? yeah. but its one of the last ways my pain could be truly seen, and maybe i wont have to be alone during it. i sleep in public cuddle worlds sometimes, i thought about doing it there, someone could talk to me and hold me as i fall asleep forever, and the tracker will slowly go to 0bpm, and i'll be free. its just gonna be impossible to not hurt others with my death so im starting to care a bit less where i do it in VR if i go that route. SN or some other OD could work in VR too maybe.

been looking into using amitriptyline, i took that for sleep but stopped, i asked to "start it" again for my shitty sleep, mom said i could so yippie! just need to follow a good protocol. i would like SN so much better tho, seems better than cardiac arrest, especially if i dont pass out soon enough, but i plan to drink and have plenty of benzos and painkillers i'll be good

its like 9am now i spent hours looking into methods and jailbreaking AI to roleplay + give tips possibly, ofc tips i will fact check. now i just have been roleplaying doing different methods, how reactions could be etc. extra weird shit too but that isnt important, i had to do a jailbreak to get some more SN details and the convo just continued lol. idk what im doing, i probably wont sleep, i rarely do